Thread: the blind girl

the blind girl


she had a nose like a razor blade
the blind girl
her head pinched
and pulled upward to the side
like some mirrored funhouse image.


her body was complete, fulsome
well-dressed, in the manner of a woman
who would never have to leave a bar alone.
she cradled her cane in the crook of her arm
trailing her freed hand over the classic facades
which defined the tight streets of her medieval Dutch town.


she'd sheltered from the rain like the rest of us
and now, trailing her, I could tell she was a little lost
displaced from normal routine.
she inquired of the first steps that approached-
the woman spoke briefly-
the blind girl unfurled her white cane
and quickening her stride
tapped the wet cobblestones
with the sweet confidence
of one who has learned to trust.

Good job! I really like it. Very vivid imagery.

This is lovely. Here are some thoughts.

Originally Posted by J.R. MacLean

the blind girl


she had a nose like a razor blade Comma or dash here. A lovely opening simile.
the blind girl Comma or dash.
her head pinched
and pulled upward to the side
like some mirrored funhouse image. I love the image and the simile. I think the syntax of this line could be played with some for better rhythmic results.


her body was complete, fulsome Comma. I love that "her body is complete". There is no judgment in this piece.
well-dressed, in the manner of woman I think adding "a" before "woman" will help the understanding of this line.
who would never have to leave a bar alone.
she cradled her cane in the crook of her arm Excellent alliteration. Comma here at the end of the line.
trailing her freed hand over the classic facades
which defined the tight streets of her medieval Dutch town. Comma after "medieval". I love this image. It says so much about this woman.


she'd sheltered from the rain like the rest of us
and now, trailing her, I could tell she was a little lost Comma or dash here.
displaced from normal routine.
she inquired of the first steps that approached-
the woman spoke briefly-
the blind girl unfurled her white cane
and quickening her stride Non essential modifier here needs to be set apart with commas.
tapped the wet cobblestones I absolutely love this line.
with the sweet confidence
of one who has learned to trust. A very nice ending. Nothing grand needed - just the moment.

the orphan: thanks, glad you enjoyed it.

Thanks SG. I appreciate your appreciation. Don't know how that 'a' eluded the final version- thanks for catching it. I tend to punctuate very sparingly, letting the line breaks serve multiple uses in that regard. Only when there is a more profound distinction in the action- as when the helpful woman tells the girl where she is- do I punctuate at a line break. So your suggestions in that regard are appreciated and correct but don't fit my 'minimalist' (or whatever) style in this piece.

cheers
J.R.

A wonderful capture of an astute observation, J.R. This one leaves you feeling good.

this is an interesting poem, very vivid, well detailed. i thought you imagery was very clear and direct with only one exception.

i don't think the word "fulsome" means what you think it means. to me it means ugly, disgusting, offensive, which really doesn't agree with a well dressed woman who never leaves a bar alone.

i enjoyed this very much, thank you for sharing it.

wood

I thought for a second that you were writing about Celine Dion, who has a nose that could cut glass....

Cindy: thanks!

wood: glad you enjoyed this. You raise an interesting point about 'fulsome' which I was not aware of. I think the context makes it pretty clear that fulsome is meant as 'copious or abundant'. However, the word has a history: Quoting from dictionary.com:

—Usage note
In the 13th century when it was first used, fulsome meant simply“abundant or copious.” It later developed additional senses of“offensive, gross” and “disgusting, sickening,” probably byassociation with foul, and still later a sense of excessiveness: afulsome disease; a fulsome meal, replete with too much ofeverything. For some centuries fulsome was used exclusively, ornearly so, with these unfavorable meanings.
Today, both fulsome and fulsomely are also used in sensescloser to the original one: The sparse language of the new PrayerBook contrasts with the fulsome language of Cranmer's Book ofCommon Prayer. Later they discussed the topic more fulsomely. These uses are often criticized on the grounds that fulsome mustalways retain its connotations of “excessive” or “offensive.” Thecommon phrase fulsome praise is thus sometimes ambiguous inmodern use.

I was absolutely intrigued , wonderful subject matter. You managed to tell a wonderful story and to engage the reader instantly. thank you, looking forward to reading more. peace...Jul

Thanks Jul. happy you enjoyed it.

He's baaaack, and I'm so happy. This is simply lovely, J.R., and as Cin said, leaves the reader feeling mighty good. Obviously, I'm a few centuries behind the times, I loved your use of fulsome without explanation. Not a single nit to these eyes, just sheer enjoyment.

Best,
Lisa