Thread: The Wet-Willy Gunslinger

somethin fun I whipped up. Its my first attempt at, well, what I think can be considered prolonged metaphor? lol well anyways critique please! and enjoy

They call him
“The Wet-Willy Gunslinger”
his well-oiled handgun
with its slick-like-spit bullets
always, find their targets.


All wrapped in cowboy-leather
riding his trusty pinto
is a gunslingin bastard
a mere bad-ass hobo


this sorry sun-of-gun
robbin' hoes and saloons
of their fine merchandise
takin' out law and goons
ti'l trusty O'l Wet-Willy
slides his bullet
right in poor-bastards balloon.


Renowned for his brutal killings
is Mad-Jack Nelson
the pretty boy with looks that kill
found his next victim and a half


awaiting a rescue
is damsel and child
with pleads of mercy
damsel is just child


movin' his gun to
the the belly of a whore
Mad-Jack Nelson
falls to dirt floor


dripin wet ear
was the doin
of good o'l Wet-Willy
the proud son
of a whiskey-oiled whore

well this is kinda fun, a cute little diddy. i think here are a few areas that could use some clarification. here are some things i noticed

They call him
“The Wet-Willy Gunslinger”
his well-oiled handgun
with its slick-like-spit bullets
always, find their targets. - i don't think you need the comma between always and find. this is a good opening, good metephor


All wrapped in cowboy-leather
riding his trusty pinto
is a gunslingin bastard
a mere bad-ass hobo - the word hobo feels out of place, doesn't really fit the period and doesn't fit with your description of wet willy


this sorry sun-of-gun - are we still talking about willy?
robbin' hoes and saloons - the word "hoes" feels out of place for this period
of their fine merchandise
takin' out law and goons - some word confusion here, did you mean "outlaw" or do you mean law as in "lawmen"?
ti'l trusty O'l Wet-Willy
slides his bullet
right in poor-bastards balloon. - heh, really like these lines, great images. i think you may need a "the" between "in" and "poor"


Renowned for his brutal killings
is Mad-Jack Nelson - is this who you are talking about in the above stanza? i'm confused as to which descriptions belong to jack or willy
the pretty boy with looks that kill
found his next victim and a half - this line is a bit unclear, i'm not sure what victim and a half is refering to, perhaps the child in the next stanza?


awaiting a rescue
is damsel and child
with pleads of mercy
damsel is just child - this feels confusing, is there a woman and a child, or two children, or just one woman who is a child, or is she pregnant with the child, is she (the damsel) the whore in the next stanza, and what does she (they) need rescuing from, mad jack or wet willy? are we still in the saloon? i find i an really lost by this point.


movin' his gun to
the the belly of a whore
Mad-Jack Nelson
falls to dirt floor - not sure i'm following the action, something seems to be missing here


dripin wet ear
was the doin
of good o'l Wet-Willy
the proud son
of a whiskey-oiled whore - ok, last two stanzas seem to clear a few things up, but i'm still upset (as a reader) about being confused for so long. i think you could clarify more info as you go before we get to this point, this is a very narrative poem, and depends on story telling. i was confused most of the time whether wet willy was a good guy or a bad guy, i was confused about who was doing what. but i think all of that can be fixed.

as for extended metephor, i think it failed. i hate to say that but i think it did. the metephor of an actual wet willy seems to disappear after the first stanza, and gets found again in the last stanza, but at that point no longer has any connection poem. or maybe that's just me.

anyway, this is a clever idea, it was very playful and contained some good imagery. hope i was able to help, and would love to see any changes you make to it.

wood

wood, you were a great help, I am glad you reviewed it. Stanza 2&3 were supposed to be an outlaw getting taken out by Wet-Willy, and stanza4 I was trying to implant another bounty for him, trying to take you(the reader) on a ride of a bounty hunter and his targets. And it was supposed to be a poem about a group of kids playing cowboys, but I think it lost its playful touch down the road. I'll definetly keep working on it I can see where the confusion starts, I shall hopefully put some sense into it . Thanks again for your critique.

Wood has already gave you a wonderful critique----so I will just say --Tighten this up,Very clever concept though. Peace...Jul

Oh dear, wet-willies in the ear were my brother's favorite form of torture for me, very deadly. Cute and clever.

Thanks Firemajic and Gumpy , I am in the process of cleaning this up hopefully it will be alot better then

Wood gave a very good critique. I suggest you follow it.

I found this charming. And I love the title! Keep up the great work.

Ha, ha! I pretty much second everyone else. Wood made all the suggestions that I would have, but I wanted to let you know that I enjoyed this. I thought it was cute (but not in a bad way). Thanks for sharing.

Bay

Glad you enjoyed it I'll have the new one up soon so hopefully it will be alot better XD

Hey Chief,

Nice word play. The bad guy goes down. This reads like a good ol' story in the West . Thanks for sharing.