Thread: Generation Huh?

God, but this was fun to write...
_____________

this skinny
sulky
garage band
punk
wears his
standard-issue
anti-establishment
quasi-rebelliousness
on top of his head
like a bad wig
he will bleat
and bark about his
1st Amendment rights
like some 2nd-hand
3rd-grade
4th-rate
joe strummer
and unto thee
I shall say:
well, kid
okay
god bless,
I guess,
your ineffectual
contrariness
but understand
young man
it doesn’t excuse
your having
nothing
of interest
to say

wow I loved this! especially

and bark about his
1st Amendment rights
like some 2nd-hand
3rd-grade
4th-rate
joe strummer

very well written, one thing however,quasi-rebelliousnes, seems, to me, to through it off a beat. probably just me. Again I loved this! so keep up the good work!

And fun to read. A beautiful...well...anyway accurate picture. A delight from top to bottom. Don't change a word.

And this -

'it doesn’t excuse
your having
nothing
of interest
to say'

could be addressed to certain journalists.

"1st Amendment rights
like some 2nd-hand
3rd-grade
4th-rate"

Clever.

And who hasn't encountered this fool?! A pleasure to read. Nicely done.

Oh this is so clever! Very well done.Wonderful presentation. Peace...Jul

The poem has a nice visual shape to it. The lines are for the most part, complete. interesting rhyme with guess and contrariness. The poem progresses nicely, with vivid imagery and personification, of the subject. Well done.

Regards

jeffrey

Thanks to all who commented - so glad you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

heh, clever. my first thought after reading this was a line from an old tool song "well if he's the man and i'm the man then you're the man as well so you can point your freaking finger up your ass)

couple of nits:

quasi-rebelliousness
on top of his head - the rhythm seems to fall apart right here, not sure what i would suggest.

and unto thee
I shall say: - i didn't really like the wording of those lines, i think you could get away with just saying "i say to you"

good stuff here... gave me a good chuckle.

wood

No doubt, you had fun! This is great. You have a bit of SOC going on which I like and have experimented with myself. I look at it as vintage poetry.

This is just tasty! "Clever", served on a sterling plate.

and bark about his
1st Amendment rights
like some 2nd-hand
3rd-grade
4th-rate

Delightfully caustic and great rhyming.

I shall say:
well, kid
okay
god bless,
I guess,
your ineffectual
contrariness

You must gift us with more! Laurie

They are called hipsters and you are absolutely right. All of it. Good poem.

Very nicely done! A joy to read.

This is definitely fun to read with a lively impetus that is very winning. I'll make a couple of suggestions which you can take or leave at your pleasure.

cheers

J.R.

Originally Posted by Bachelorette

God, but this was fun to write...
_____________

this skinny
sulky
garage band
punk
wears his
standard-issue
anti-establishment
quasi-rebelliousness
on top of his head atop his head
like a bad wig
he will bleat he bleats
and bark about his and barks about his
1st Amendment rights
like some 2nd-hand
3rd-grade
4th-rate
joe strummer
and unto thee
I shall say: I say:
well, kid
okay
god bless,
I guess,
your ineffectual
contrariness
but understand
young man these lines are wonderful
it doesn’t excuse
your having
nothing
of interest I wonder if a stronger image would improve the ending- ie 'it doesn't excuse/the mundane porridge/ forever dribbling/from your mouth.' OK that's probably even worse, but I'm sure you get the gist of the suggestion.
to say

It's a cracker, it rings true of all those youths who rebel by conforming with each other... but, being thick I don't unerstand this bit:

I guess,
your ineffectual
contrariness
but understand
young man


However hard I try, I can't parse it, it makes no sense to me.

Love this! You're so darn clever. This bit is absolutely brilliant:

1st Amendment rights
like some 2nd-hand
3rd-grade
4th-rate
joe strummer

and I love that you used the actual numbers as opposed to words, it fit the sparcity of the piece wonderfully. More please!

Best,
Lisa

Hate to post and run, but.....

wood & j.r. - Thanks for the compliments, and the nits! I'll look into them... j.r., I especially agree with you that ending could be stronger; by the same token, I don't want the poem to wear out its welcome, either. If I can figure out a way to be more impactful yet equally blunt, then I'll be happy.

Edgewise - YES. Hipsters, and punks, and goths, and emo kids... basically the whole bloody lot of them who are "nonconformist" all in the same way. No serious disrespect intended toward any of them, however. Just some playful teasing, and a questioning of their reasoning.

Gumby, SilverMoon, and Lisa - Thank you all for your kindness! But SilverMoon, I'm not sure what SOC is; forgive my ignorance! Care to enlighten me?

Bloggsworth: Okay, um, best I can explain that bit is this:

"Well, okay, kid. God bless your contrariness, ineffectual as it may be. I suppose it's better than nothing. But, keep in mind, it doesn't excuse your painfully dull unoriginality. Just sayin'."

Hope that helps.