Thread: meet link

removed by author

I always like the way your work sounds. You have a knack for putting words together.

In this, however, I felt like there were far too many adjectives. The ideas here are so overpowered by the excessiveness you have going on. I'm actually afraid to try and count the number of describing words you have. Haha. You're a strong writer. I feel like you don't need so much excess.

And this:

(i think, therefore
i am thinking)

I didn't like. The play on words was just too obvious for me.

My favorite part, however, was:

i am the question mark at the end of a riddle
so populated
so lonely
kicking rocks across history

In comparison to the rest, this part is simpler. I think that's why it appeals to me.

Always enjoy reading your work. Thanks for sharing.

Haha, wood, this is awesome. I like it very much. The poem marches forward like an army; it has the momentum of a bullet train. It surprises at every turn. And other good stuff like that.

My only crit:

i am ocean-sized imagination
with ideas big as blue whales
but my mouth is a fish bowl
much too small
for large aquatic mammals

The first two lines are great, but compared to the rest of the sort of tough-guy feel of the poem, the stuff about the fish bowl and "large aquatic animals" sound too goofy and science teacher-ish, respectively. My suggestion would be to take the first two lines and graft them onto the following stanza, and just eliminate the last three lines. I know what you're trying to say in them, and it's a good thought, but the tone just doesn't fit. Another option would just be to figure out a different way to say it that fits the tone of the rest of the poem a bit better.

All in all, a great read. Thanks for sharing.

Wood--I think I might have just fallen in love with you .... I love the kick A** feel of this poem. " I think, therefore I am thinking"Is so clever--shows a wonderful sense of humor---like you are poking fun at yourself. " still learning how to double stack my disasters " -Brilliant!Stanza # 6 -went off the rails for me--you could have done with out that--[just my opinion] Thanks for posting--it is always a treat to read your poems.--peace...Jul

Wood, you have some incredible lines in here. I wish this was mine "i am supercharged caesar marching to war in every direction", its fantastic. I was reminded alot of Song of Myself by your piece but I have to agree with Fire that the contracted(subject matter) and bloated(imagery) stanza 6 might be a bit too ambitious. Perhaps this is simply because its a very specific negative view of absolute excess (which otherwise I think is tackled beautifully by your imagery and language) or because it becomes very much about the single individual instead of the idea. I would also love to see this punctuated, that way you could play with Big I/small i from stanza to stanza. Keep up the good work.
-Ian

wood; This is a very readable piece. I wouldn't change it a bit.

" like two pit bulls barking at purple flowers" nice simile and alliteration with the p and b. Also a very nice image. The poem is quite complex. There's a natural progression from stanza to stanza. With interesting shifts into the bizarre. This poem deserves further readings.

jeffrey

bay, thanks for your feedback, your insights are always welcome.

bachelorette, yeah, the tone of that stanza doesn't quite fit does it? i kind of like that idea but maybe it doesn't belong there, good eye. thanks so much.

firemajic and iseebull, regarding s6, that stanza was one of the things i wanted to get feedback on directly, yes, condensed, bloated, and ambitious was intended, but too ambitious was what i was worried about. that can be fixed i think, and i think i want to lighten some of those negative atributes, get it more balanced. great insight, thank you so much, both of you.

jeffrey, glad you enjoyed this, i don't plan on changing much, but then plans are just plans... we'll see what happens. thanks again.

So superb, don't you dare change a word, Wood. I have to echo Ian regarding this line:

"i am supercharged caesar marching to war in every direction", and add this one as a favorite also:

"radioactive brass monkey losing my marbles" and, of course, the very first line, too.

I like the fishbowl stanza. Interpretation has never been my forte, I tend to see things in a weird way so I'm usually wrong. I'm also lousy at expressing myself but I'll give it the old college try anyway. That stanza is like the eye of a hurricane, a momentary respite from the barrage which I found quite appealing. It's a moment of reflection in which he relates he has all these great ideas that he can't get out. Made me sad, but not him. He just shrugs it off and begins stomping again. Am I even making sense? I think you should keep it. Thanks so much for another thrill ride, love.

Best,
Lisa

Wood: this is the most exciting and accomplished work I've read since re-beginning to hang around here a bit. A few suggestions you might consider:

Originally Posted by wood

i am manmade man, titanic oil rig, titanium drill bit
hands like two pit bulls barking at purple flowers
still exploding at my extremes
still learning how to double-stack consider losing the 'stills' too
my disasters

i am the question mark at the end of a riddle
so populated
so lonely
kicking rocks across history
i resemble a certain angel
in a certain light, in peculiar dreams of doubt
(i think, therefore
i am thinking) love these two line
spirit of mud, blood, sugar
battery acid, flesh-trapped adrenaline
surging in racetrack circles yee-haw, love how it picks up steam here

i am supercharged caesar marching to war
in every direction
a grinning gun barrel, smiling sharp hazard
laser guided misconception with a unabomber
shack-like-mind
i am a body bag declaring victory
radioactive brass monkey losing my marbles
frightened by your fear of me wonderful stanza

i am awestruck witness of universe
collecting miracles and shadows
i am the sensitive beast singing thru sharp teeth
transforming nonsense and chaos into art
calculating atomic mysteries
into self-reflecting equations of sunset
and starlight
and awe and another one

i am ocean-sized imagination
with ideas big as blue whales
but my mouth is a fish bowl
much too small
for large aquatic mammals
is a small
fishbowl

i am confusion, reluctant, and lurking, searching for purity
in plastic bottles, flat screen resolution
the big bean burrito, hot dates and cold fusion
gold watch retired, fat with honor
moonstones and remote control, easy
affordable disposable salvation, i want to feel satisfaction
dripping
from my
chin

i am not the epic of creation
i am just a journey
the greatest and most dangerous distance
between two points

i am not missing you risk going limp with abstraction here with this ending, but I like it because of the rare mixture of humility and defiance it evokes. Overall nice, even brilliant work.

cheers
J.R.

Wow, can't believe I missed this one. I agree with the others. Your metaphors are so poignant and imaginative. Very nice.

ah, more critiques, cool

thank you lisa, yes i think you're makinf sense, i like your interpretation... sounds good to me. =) thanks again

j.r., thanks for your time and thoughtfulness. i like some of the edits you have presented here, very clean, the kind of thing i was looking for. thanks again.

thanks s.g., i'm glad you enjoyed this... means a lot to me.

wow! lots going on there! i concur also, amazing use of metaphor & symbol; suggests a rich inner life. my point would be to slim down the 'fatness' and expanse of your material (could be overwhelming to reader ~ how much coffee did you drink before writing?

ie, for fun, try to say the same in one-fifth of the words ....?

hi inscapes, thanks for the advise, some good ideas and i will keep them in mind. thanks for your feedback.