Thread: Dazzling pond of whips cross

DAZZLING POND OF WHIPS CROSS
Down below on Whips Cross green.
Cross legged betwixt the blooming trees.
Soft and subtle the green grass hugs.
As wonder dares the eyes to ransom.

Life abundant in splendor doeth tease.

Feast freely so on grandeur bless.

And yet to what genius do these subscribe?
Mighty luxurious stirs the grass.
Green and brown,
withered and firm do they converge.
All in ploy to yield comfort without complaint.

And yet to what genius do these subscribe?
Be they to gods or nature.
Dear God or fate.
Earth moist and soft grass conspire.
Lesson in love afoot.
Softest of cushions would not such comfort give.

To what genius do these subscribe?
Yonder shines the pond of Whips Cross green.
Spectacle to test sight.
Shines silver beneath the sun’s ray.
Drawling in Majesty with rippling waves.
Captivating.

To what genius?
Trees dense her banks do claim.
Towering, challenging.
Gracious Queen, she houses birds,
that glide with leisure so.
Her bosom a sanctuary.

What genius?
The mute Swan and tiny ducklings,
Jostle for crumbs I throw.
Boats sail in leisure,
as I sit and watch
at the shiny pond of Whips Cross.

And so to what genius do these subscribe?

I realize you don't need to use complete sentences in poetry, but in this case I struggled hard to make it through the poem. More clearer subjects and action words paired together would help. It sounds pretty as a whole, but the individual lines are difficult.

The main thing I get from the poem is "It's beautiful at this pond; I don't know where things come from."

I would also questions your use of words and phrases such as "yonder" "betwixt" "doeth" "be they to" "would not such comfort give" and "trees dense her banks do claim." Poetry does not need to pretend to be old fashioned... it should be organic and use the language that fits it best, which in most cases is your natural daily speech (just more... distilled). Drop the pretenses and express your deep thoughts plainly.

I also really have no clue what "to what genius do these subscribe" means, which seems to be an important line in your poem.

You have clearly put a lot of effort into this poem, and I think it could be good. I suggest adding some more clarity in your next revision.

Dear-Dear Moonrise---Please help me out here, I so want to "get" what you are trying to say--And you know I have loved some of your other Poetry--But I am not "getting" this. I don't even understand your Title...You have some good lines to work with, and I know you are a talented writer--Your Tsunami poem was brilliant!! I truly hope your feeling are not hurt--I certainly would never want to do that...I only want to encourage you-BECAUSE I have so loved some of your earlier Poetry. Peace...Jul

I surprise myself sometimes which is actually out of place. Firemajic, I have so enjoyed your comments that I shiver at the thought I have let you down, at the same time I am delighted by your truthful feel as regards this attempts of mine. This helps a writer improve and that is one reason I am on here. You are aiding my growth, thanks.

j.w.olson Thanks for taking time to read and more thanks for your sincere observations. let me attempt to do some justice to this piece.

I penned this sometime back when I was sitting by a very beautiful pond at Whips Cross in London. These are my observations of the beauty at that pond that triggered questions unanswered in my mind. It opens with me sitting cross legged among the healthy trees that stand firm round the banks while mindful of the soothing role the grass though small in stature plays. Then I take in the awesome scenery and wonder what skilled artist brought these to play.

The mind drifts to all entities that cohabit this environ and signals love untainted.

So yes j.w.olson got it right on the fact the pond is beautiful. 'To what genius do these subscribe,' is an attempt to provoke the mind to go behind the scene and try to visualize what pain if any it took to put all these in place while further picturing how phenomenal the creating force might be. May be I failed.

As to the language, I agree I am a fun of the old ways. I would rather be saying thou now than you but since it can't be done in present day without raising eyebrows, I allow myself to indulge a little in poetry.

Hope this goes a little way to make it easier. Thank you so much guys, I promise to take a second look at this piece.
Cheers!!!!!!!!

Oh--I feel so dense...Whips Cross is the name of the place!!! My bad for not catching that...Peace...Jul

My only complaint is that it's Whipps Cross, not Whips Cross. That threw me for a few seconds until I started reading out loud and then, of course, the penny dropped.

Your complexities are subtle. The dwindling of '...what genius' is a perfect dimenuendo leading to the final flourish, the detailed picture of swan and ducklings drawing us personally into the picture.

Edit - Forgot to mention. Whipps Cross lends itself somehow to antique language. Sooth, sich as that doth fit.