Thread: "Would you teach me..."

Would you teach me
the dance?
If I taught you
the song?

All at once
at the same time.
No prior engagements.
Just you and me,
with no thoughts,
no commitments.
No expectations,
of what is to be

Just actions,
from the soul.

Dancing to the song,
singing to the dance.

Will you sing for me?

1997

I like the rhythm of this piece. It's nice. But again, it seems you wrote this a long time ago. Why not give us something new to see how far you have come?

It's fun -- I like the way the two people's skills interweave and the implied comparison of song/dance to a relationship. That said, I want more imagery and perhaps a few similes or metaphors. It's pleasant as is, but nothing jumps out at me and makes me notice it much.

Favorite part: "Just actions, / from the soul."

Least favorite part: "All at once / at the same time." - It's redundant.

Greetings;

SG: Thnx for the read and review. I'll will be posting some newer work soon, thnx for the interest.

j.w.Olson: Thnx for the read and review. Thnx for the crit.

Regards;

jeffrey

Hmm, I'm liking this but, would it be better in the present tense? At the moment it is conditional (If that's the right word) but we're reading it now and wanting it to happen.

Will you teach me
the dance?
If I teach you
the song?

-----------------------------------

The second stanza begins to sound a bit listy in the second half.

----------------------------------

Just actions,
from the soul.

How about

Just steps
from the soul

-------------------------------------

What do you think of:

Dancing to the song,
singing of the dance.


A subtle difference to avoid it just sounding like just a switch.

bloggsworth. Thnx for the read and your review. If your worried about the tense of the piece, I would refer you to the final line.

Originally Posted by jeffrey c mcmahan

bloggsworth. Thnx for the read and your review. If your worried about the tense of the piece, I would refer you to the final line.

I'm not worried, it's not my poem.

Another thought, the first line is about a process, teaching to dance; the stanza ends with a noun, a song. If she/he is teaching you to dance, should not you be teaching he/her to sing? Then the penultimate stanza uses the nouns song & dance.

Bloggsworth; thnx for the read, and your input. One thing to think about is that, this poem; as well as any example of writing; is a communication from, the writer, to the reader. That's the essential nature of the beast. While I understand what you say, I fail to really see the objection. This poem was written to pull the reader into the scene from the beginning. It wasn't written to a specific individual, but to the broad set of the general reader. No he/she teaching this, teaching that; need apply. Once again thnx for your interest.

regards

jeffrey