Thread: Deathday party

One I wrote today, enjoy and critique.

Calm and still
lay the common pill
for heartache and tears
when a dry days rain
falls from surrounding peers

afraid to touch
this beautiful statue
that sleeps at the tips
of my brown tacky feet

the length between us
grow longer and longer
and this once full chest
now void and hunger

emotions fleeing
if only for today
fearing what they may bring
or what someone might say

the dismal cries
of feathered angels
ferrying you away
leave me the console
of a short good-bye

wrapped snugly
in your brand new bed
laying
alongside dirt covered walls
awaiting a long deserved
blissful rest

hugs become the perfect gift
in this black-themed
deathday party

Originally Posted by Chiefspider

One I wrote today, enjoy and critique.

Calm and still Dear Chiefspider --some quick points...
lay the common pill
for heartache and tears
as a dry days rain
falls from surrounding peers ----I dont quite understand this first stanza

afraid to touch
this beautiful statue -----Love this stanza!
that sleeps at the tips
of my brown tacky feet

the length between us
grow longer and longer
as my empty chest
begins to hunger-------Hunger for what?

emotions fleeing
if only for today
fearing what they may bring -----Great stanza!
or what someone might say

the chirping cries-----Needs more drama--chirping cries--maybe--desolate cries?
of feathered angels
who come to carry you away
leave me the console
of your final day

wrapped snugly
in your brand new bed
laying
next to dirt covered neighbors----I think something else here besides neighbors--not sure .
awaiting a long deserved
blissful rest

hugs become the perfect gift
in this black-themed
deathday party

This is a good poem--but just needs some tightening up to make it a great one. hope this helps. As always--a pleasure to read your work.---peace--Jul

Glad you enjoyed it, I see your points, however - in the first stanza, I was trying to paint an image of a group of people crying. If it still doesn't make sense after that let me know and I'll change it. Stanza3 was supposed to hungering for loss - I'll see what I can do to make that more apparent.I see your point in stanza5, I'll see about adding in some more dramatic words.
Stanza6, I originally didn't want to use neighbors - but couldn't think of anything else to describe the grave yard in abstract. I'll keep thinking. Thanks for the review and critique!

EDIT: I edited Stanza1 changed "as a dry days rain" to "when a dry days rain" to see if that may clear it up a bit.

EDIT2: OK I've done some revising hope it works - if not let me know and I'll see what I can do.