Thread: Spendthrift

Spendthrift Heart


Spendthrift:
malingering
along
uncharted frontiers;
liquid sorrow
bastes
unformed words
whose crystal
resonant vibrance
reverberates
within
a pilgrim soul.

Gaze once more
upon your
lint-filled navel
and share
the blossom
of heaving bosom;
therein find
a brokenness
with no need of mending




.
© Frederick Kesner. All Rights Reserved.

Thanks for the post, Arkayye! I enjoyed reading this and it certainly made me think. I am curious about your structure here. It seems arbitrary, which I assume was intentional.

My question for you is, would it help or detract from your meaning if you used a different tense for "gaze". I will admit that is where I am struggling with this piece. As a result, I think I am still missing your full meaning.

Great read!

Alex

resonant vibrance
reverberates

Is a bit like saying "the wet rain precipitates..."

A thought on the squandering of our emotional resources, the premonition of a navel-gazer's trek toward emotional bankruptcy.

Hi, arkayye. One should never have to explain the poem before or after the read. Let your poem speak for itself so it's up for interpretation for the reader. Giving it away spoils the intrigue!

I didn't quite get what you are saying despite your preface but you have a couple of really great phrasings going on.

liquid sorrow
bastes

An intoxicating moment here!

a pilgrim soul

There are endless adjectives for "soul" but this happens to be one inventive description.

Looking forward to reading more! Laurie

Thanks Laurie.
Alas, without the aid of punctuation, Flapjack is correct in assuming the tense of "gaze" would better the flow of thought. Gaze should actually be a new stanza with a different voice speaking. And there is that closeness of words and meaning that tread on the redundant as noted by Bloggsworth. I have to agree though, that we would do well to allow the poem to speak for itself. Let me adjust the way the words "sit on the page" and see if that would help in its reading. Thanks to all for your invaluable feedback. Ricky

"resonant vibrance
reverberates"

Perhaps

"vibrance
resonates"

or even

"vibrance
resounds"

Otherwise, excellent.

The last five lines of the first stanza are frakking awkward and empty.

The rest is excellent.

cheers
J.R.

Originally Posted by J.R. MacLean

The last five lines of the first stanza are frakking awkward and empty.

I wouldn't say that. They just need a little re-reading for the meaning (or apparent meaning) to sink in.

Originally Posted by Trides

I wouldn't say that. They just need a little re-reading for the meaning (or apparent meaning) to sink in.

It's okay Trides, that is HIS opinion and as they say about beauty being in the eye of the beholder then there is much frakking and awkward emptiness in that beholder's eye/insides. It will apparently not sink in with that arbitrary estimation.
Thanks anyways for making your point about reading and appreciating poetry. We understand because we seek not because we come from our own ivory tower pontificating how poetry should be constructed or read. My appreciation for your interaction.

It's okay Trides, that is HIS opinion and as they say about beauty being in the eye of the beholder then there is much frakking and awkward emptiness in that beholder's eye/insides.

There is no need for personal insults. I gave you an honest opinion about those lines, just as I was honest about the rest being excellent.

Originally Posted by J.R. MacLean

There is no need for personal insults. I gave you an honest opinion about those lines, just as I was honest about the rest being excellent.

I am not given to nor have I ever insulted anyone in this site or any other site. Believe you me, if I had any intention of insulting you or anyone, personal or otherwise, you would know it from the get got. If you were slighted and taken offence at my response to your comment then you don't receive well as you are so easily wont to dish out. I was merely stating a commonplace bit of knowledge about self projection which anyone that had taken Pscyhology 101 would know.

Without a frame of reference for your unqualified statement "The last five lines of the first stanza are frakking awkward and empty," anyone could think of some Gestapo officer flinging his riding crop meting out judgement with a flick of his wrist- 'good,' 'bad,' 'ugly,' 'gas chamber.' Awkward, maybe... frakking - still forgiveable, but 'empty', no word in any language is ever truly empty. Could it be there was a confusion as to the verses in question making the reader feel empty or the words themselves being empty (refer back to previous statement about words not being 'empty.'). And indeed that last half of the first stanza elicits an awkward emptiness that ties in with the brokenness (of the second stanza) that isn't somehow truly there.

It's really as bad a comment as saying 'your poem is nice,' 'it's cute,' or 'I enjoyed it,' without supporting what about it you liked or is nice, or is enjoyable. Why is it empty? The question begs.... Also, previous comments on this thread have already touched on the same lines in the first stanza, so it's not like we aren't already aware of there being an issue with them. I wouldn't know if you'd care to explain why you said that about the poem but what should readers of the comment make out of it. What about the poem makes it excellent, as well? Dropping 'telegrams' with loaded words like that would elicit a response.

Here is a parenthesis that should fit nicely between the two parts of the first stanza:

These unbidden tears
are vibrant crystals
of unformed words
which resonate with echoed
longings that reverberate
within the recesses of their
pilgrim soul.


You are an intelligent man Mr MacLean and more importantly one with great sensibility. If you however desire to still take my comment negatively (after this brief explanation of sorts) then I have nothing further to say. My initial estimation of you would then have been proven wrong. But I have at times been known to be a poor judge or character.

All right now... everybody settle down and look at lord vader. http://www.stopgeek.com/wp-content/u...7/07/sense.jpg

Also, I love this:

"liquid sorrow
bastes
unformed words"

Originally Posted by arkayye

whose crystal
resonant vibrance
reverberates
within
a pilgrim soul.

Take out "resonant" to avoid unnecessary repetition and to tighten up the rhythm. Also: A Yeats fan, hm? I've always loved that line, too. "Good poets imitate; great poets steal." - T.S. Eliot. Ha. He should know.

Gaze once more
upon your
lint-filled navel

This bit really took me out of the poem in a way I doubt you intended. Definitely take out "lint-filled", for one thing. Also, since the navel is kind of like the center of the body, maybe change it to something like this:

Gaze once more
into the center
of your self

Just an example. I understand why you used the word "navel" (because of the term "navel-gazing") but it doesn't fit the tone of the poem, IMO.

Thank you for sharing. Hope some of that helps.

Facepalm

I've never seen a writingforums.com flame war.
I hope I never see one.
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I'd rather see than be in one.

Anyhow, arkayye, don't be pressured into being too abstract There is nothing wrong with a little imagery here and there... jeez, no one complains about Angel101's bursting brains and veins and whatnot... Just because there are souls and crystals and blossoms doesn't mean there can't be lint-filled navels...

Mod note: Please keep replies on-topic and refrain from personal comments. Thank you.