Thread: Night Vision

Attitude

red roosters
roll n' swagger.
Tumbling dice,
nocturnal dialect;
street lamps are out
on this block tonight.

Notes of noise and ravenous silence float
in a well of ink; outlines and silhouettes
illuminate the vulgar language shadows speak.

Chipped brown bricks
frame neon mouths
missing several teeth.

Oblivious to irrelevance,
blind stoplights jabber
at nothing in particular.

Alley cats paw at grocery bags,
nuzzle rags left in a pile. Pitbulls
with pig eyes bark at pigeons
pecking at a leg of chicken.

Wild men with weird intent load
a stained couch into a rusting van;
their trailing exhaust pipe drags
like an ad-hoc wedding can,
leaving echoes on the asphalt.

A raver is almost lost
in the wreckage of his revelry,
saved by angels making for heaven
by a beeline of blue and red.

Designated drivers get drunk and melancholy,
bickering profoundly over principle with
marooned passengers inclined to refuse
Johnny Charon's inflated cabbie fare.

Wind howls, peaks, abates and stops to breathe.

Before bed I raise a window
to let the waken in my dreams.

ah, i like this. has a dreary street feel, bluesy. (i image a voice like tom waits grunting this out

Notes of noise and ravenous silence float
in a well of ink; outlines and silhouettes
illuminate the vulgar language shadows speak.

that is my favorite bit, lots of great lines in this, everything feels tight and well developed, a pleasure to read.

wood

Originally Posted by wood

ah, i like this. has a dreary street feel, bluesy. (i image a voice like tom waits grunting this out

Haha! As soon as I read this, I went back and re-read the poem in Tom Waits' voice - brilliant. Although I doubt Tom would name-drop Charon...

Only one bit confused me:

Before bed I raise a window
to let the waken in my dreams.

Did you mean "let them waken"? Or did you miss a word? Or am I reading it wrong?

Otherwise, a really fun read.

Wood, I consider it a high compliment that the poem reminds you of Waits. Nobody is better at nailing a desperate street scene than him.

Bachelorette, I used "waken" as a noun. Unfortunately the word "waken" does not exist as a noun so it's a bit of a neologism in this case. Among other things I wanted to emphasize that there is a world populated by characters who are thoroughly nocturnal. They are the "waken" as opposed to the sleeping.

I won't be offended if there is a replacement word you have in mind.

I thoroughly enjoyed this, Edge. The very subtle rhymes flowed beautifully, I loved the juxtapositon of their sound with the gritty nature of the poem, itself. A wonderful contrast, to me.

The oddness of using the word waken, was good for me. As I caught the meaning right away, but was made to pause and think about it.

Edgewise - It's all excellent, but my favourite bit is
Oblivious to irrelevance,
blind stoplights jabber
at nothing in particular.

And waken is a noun. You've made it one.

Having spent so many years living and working in NY city, you've placed me on the street where I used to live, downtown. You've certainly nailed the nocturnal urban atmosphere. Thanks for bringing me down memory lane.

I thought the following was exceptional. You have a bit of SOC going on here. And your imagery! Delightfully grotesque. And easy alliteration. Just brilliant!

Alley cats paw at grocery bags,
nuzzle rags left in a pile. Pitbulls
with pig eyes bark at pigeons
pecking at a leg of chicken.

At first, I was curious but was sure you set it just as you wanted it. Then thoroughly got it. Love what you've done, taking command of a word.

Before bed I raise a window
to let the waken in my dreams.

A dark, enchanting read! Laurie

Enjoyed this but there were a few bits that niggled.

Oblivious to irrelevance,

Doesn't exactly slide off the tongue, or maybe it's just me?

Stanza five has so many animal references that they became distracting.

Designated drivers get drunk and melancholy,

I think it's the and that bothers me. Wonder if there is a way to get the drunk part across with an appropriate adjective in front of designated?

Overall, really enjoyed the read though.

@Bachelorette - Tom Waits did name check Charon in Potter's Field:

You ask for Captain Charon with the mud on his kicks
He's the skipper of the deadline steamer
And she sails from the Bronx across the river Styx

Originally Posted by CLN

@Bachelorette - Tom Waits did name check Charon in Potter's Field:

You ask for Captain Charon with the mud on his kicks
He's the skipper of the deadline steamer
And she sails from the Bronx across the river Styx

Haha, really? That's so funny! Is that from one of his pre-Swordfishtrombones albums? Because I only have his albums from SFT and on; I've never even heard his earlier stuff. That's wild. Thanks for the factoid!

Glad you enjoyed it Gumby, Garza and Silver.

CLN, the consonance of "oblivious to irrelevance" sounds smooth to my ears. What part of the animal stanza did you find distracting? Was it the multiple associations condensed into such a small space? The "melancholy" line has been irritating me also. I've been considering replacing "drunk" with another adjective that would precede "designated" but there isn't anything which works without seriously disrupting the flow of the entire line. I'll mull over it some more since you brought it up.

The Waits thing is a funny coincidence. But great minds think alike, I've heard.

Edgewise,

Too much sibilance in the line? But that could be a personal speech thing. It's just that, for me, the -ous and -ence are too similar to be so close. But feel free to ignore me. One could write volumes on what I don't know about poetry.

Tom Waits is an old favourite of mine. A gutter poet as good as any.

@Bachelorette - It's from Foreign Affairs which came out in 1977, so before Swordfishtrombones, yes.

One of my shows is featuring your neck of the woods at the moment, so this is particularly topical for me. Superb as always, glorious sounds and intense imagery, how you spoil us, dear Edge. And let's not forget your wordplay wizardry, no one else like you. For what it's worth, "oblivious to irrelevance" slides off my tongue just fine. Love waken as a noun, oh so very clever. Truly enjoyed.

Best,
Lisa