Thread: I Want to Write a Poem...

Originally Posted by ChestersDaughter

There are many things that escape my grasp as far as subject matter. It seems I've been banned for life from anything light or happy, every time I try to explore those avenues my pieces are complete crap. I'll keep trying, though, no ban is exempt from being lifted.

In line with the above quote, here's what happens when *I* try to write something light or happy (and like Lisa, I'm not going to give up, either, but lord almighty is it hard):
__________________

I want to write a poem about gladness and light,
about love and the longing that has been fulfilled.
I want to write a poem about flowers and trees:
Not flowers that are cut, or trees that are felled,
but stately, strong, beauteous beings arriving each
spring that bloom into leaf and flower of every color.
I want to write a poem, unironically, about kittens
and ponies, about little babies’ eyes and sunlight
filtering through the blinds onto bright white sheets
rumpled by passionate love-making and full of
whispered vows that include words like “forever”
and “always.” I want to write a poem with a life-
affirming ending, the kind that helps the lonely
cubicle-worker or the minimum-wage-slave make
it through the day: a gem of clear, shimmering
hope. I want to write a poem that reminds readers
of warm bread baking in mother’s oven, or that
time your father gave you his special baseball cap.
I want to write a poem promising that everything
will get better, that you will find a partner, get
that raise, bear beautiful children who love you,
and rescue the dog from the wheels of the truck.
I want to write that poem, believe me, I do. But—
isn’t there always a but?—I also want it to be true.
Best to end it now, then, before I—well. You know.

Ha, it seems we struggle with the same problem. Happiness is tricky. I know I can't write about it.

This was very well done.

"about little babies’ eyes and sunlight
filtering through the blinds onto bright white sheets
rumpled by passionate love-making and full of
whispered vows that include words like “forever”
and “always.”"

I love the images there and the internal rhyme.

My one crit - "I want to write a poem, unironically, about kittens
and ponies"

You preface "kittens and ponies" with "unironically", which shows me you understand the issue with using such a phrase, but I still don't think it fits. The line stood out to me when I don't think it should have. Maybe take out "ponies"?

Ha, thanks SG; glad you enjoyed it.

I'm not quite sure I understand your crit, however. Why would taking out "ponies" make it work better? I'm not complaining or challenging you or anything, just genuinely confused.

Thanks in advance!

Heh, I don't know. Kittens and ponies... that sounds so, I don't really know how to describe it. Cliche maybe. I just think it stands out way more than it needs too.

Ah, I see. Well, the thing about that is, even though I SAY I want to write unironically about them, I was, in fact, being ironic when I wrote that line. It was kind of a joke, is what I'm saying. But now that I understand where you're coming from, I'll look at it again and see if I can't make it fit in better with the rest of the piece. After all, the rest of the piece really isn't meant to be jokey, so that's probably why it stood out when it shouldn't have. So thanks! That was a helpful crit.

Yeah I figured as much, and you do address it within the line, but I just don't think it needs that much attention.

Very clever to write a poem about writing a poem about things you wish you could write about....confused???? I loved this poem ! you packed in all of my favorite subject matter , I wish you would take them one at a time and write about them--I feel with your considerable talent, you would do a wonderful job. Thanks. Peace...Jul

vary nice poem indeed, I too, find it difficult write about such thinks - for those familiar with my work - I'm more morbid . anyway, favorite part

I want to write a poem about gladness and light,
about love and the longing that has been fulfilled.
I want to write a poem about flowers and trees:
Not flowers that are cut, or trees that are felled,

love the rhythm/rhyme in this. keep up the good work !

Very delightful and clever, and quite humorous at times - the line about saving the dog from under the truck wheels caught me off guard, and made me laugh - where did that one come from? : )

I feel like firemajic, that with your evident skill you could write happy very well - just take a scene, like children playing, and describe it in your own special way - I think the result would be quite beautiful, and happy

---todd

firemajic: Wow... what a great compliment! Thanks so much for your kind words. Maybe I'll give it a shot sometime. I do have a really hard time thinking of things to write about when it comes to poetry...

Chiefspider:

for those familiar with my work - I'm more morbid

Really? You, with the zombie avatar? NO WAY! Haha, j/k. Seriously though, I'm glad you liked this. I think that for a lot of people, art does come from pain because taking the pain and making it into something worthwhile helps to give meaning to suffering, help one to deal with it a little better. At least, that's how it is for me.

toddm: Wow, another great compliment, and also from someone who writes about beauty and joy so well. You guys really make me want to give that a shot... so I guess I will. Thank you!

However ironically, your nice images are really quite beautiful, I'm so glad you pooh poohed them in the end. We're not broken, love, the world is. We only write what we see. I was actually attacked for staggering in the dark. Here was my reply:http://www.writingforums.com/poetry/...e-warning.html. I do believe you can write pretty based on the images presented, but presenting an image doesn't mean you'll find the words to wrap it in. I know your pain. I loved this piece, I can completely relate. The block style doesn't do it justice, though. Stanzas and breaks would enhance it. I'd break it with your permission, but I know full well you're more than capable to break yourself. Thanks for sharing this, Ms. B, I feel less alone.

Big hugs,
Me

Originally Posted by Chester's Daughter

Thanks for sharing this, Ms. B, I feel less alone.

Wow... really? The idea that someone could feel less lonely because of something I wrote is perhaps the highest compliment I could receive. I've memorized poems and songs and passages from books that have helped me through my own loneliness, so the idea that I could do that for someone else... wow. A thousand thank-yous for that one.

RE: breaks

Hrm... well... okay! I'll do it, and see if I like it better. Thanks for the idea.