Thread: Psycho Says He's Sorry (Language)

The fan exhales
a steady breeze
enticing wisps
of spun gold
to dance across
a plum hued cheek.
Strands twirl
in a tickling tango.

Purple lips plumped -
not by collagen -
stretch just a bit.
Fractured nose crinkles
and forehead furrows
as she winces.
Battered faces are not
suited for smiles.

Right arm dressed in plaster
screams in unison
with six shattered ribs
while her ruptured eardrums
blessfully block rasping breath.

The bulk of the heavyweight
for whom she serves as a bag
darkens the doorway.
A cord is yanked
stilling dancing strands.
Lips and nerves begin to quiver
her broken body now stiffer
than her unsigned cast.

Tracks of teeth
left upon her left arm
peek from beneath
a sailboat speckled
hospital gown
as fingers with nails
ripped from their beds
accept his proffered bouquet.

Her throbbing hand
is cupped then compressed
piercing palm with thorns
as he subtly persuades her
to embrace his apology.

Blackened eyes
in bowed head
water blood colored blooms
with silent saline rain.
Bandaged bridge
is forcibly pressed
onto drooping petals.

Inhaling deeply
as instructed
all she smells
is shit.

When I read the title my first reaction was "yes!" and when I read the poem....you did not let me down! amazing piece I love your images - as usual - stanza2 beautiful

Whoa. I think I need a minute...

Okay, I'm better now. Thoughts:

My very first, gut reaction was, This is a little extreme. THEN I realized, duh, that's the whole point. Something extreme--a severe beating from what I will assume was a "lover" (if you can even use a word that contains the word "love" to describe this guy)--happened to the woman, so of course the language has the blunt force of a fist to the face. I love the way you are forcing the reader to, figuratively, really look at the face of this battered woman. You pulled no punches, and I'm not trying to be humorous in saying that, I swear; that's just what you did.

A couple of nits, however...

Purple lips plumped -
not by collagen
but by fist -

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. No need to tell us her lips have been "plumped" by a fist. I have a writer-friend who's still trying to pound "show, don't tell" into my head, so I can sympathize with the urge to always want to spell things out for the reader. But again, we know--god, do we ever know--what you're talking about here, so that little line is superfluous.

Battered faces are not
suited for smiles.

I'd really like to see you end with this. Not that the ending isn't already strong--it is--but I think the full force of what you're conveying here is really encapsulated in these two lines. But even if you disagree, the ending is still good, so do what you feel.

her broken body now stiffer
than her unsigned cast.

Call me weird, but this was the bit that really made me feel teary. "Her unsigned cast" speaks volumes--she is utterly alone in the world except for this brute whom I can't help but call "Earl" in my mind (anyone else remember that old Dixie Chicks song? I don't really like them, but that song was really catchy...)

I really should begin by saying that I have an unhealthy and distinctly morbid fascination with the depravity of the human mind. I've done heaps of research on serial killers and perpetrators of violent crimes in an effort to understand what makes them tick. They are clearly missing some basic human element to do what they do. I am often overwhelmed by emotion by accounts of these crimes, outrage and disbelief often top the barrage. This piece was written to inspire those exact feelings in the reader. Please know that this is one hundred percent fictional, yet somewhere out there, it's actually happening. My sincere thanks for your eyes, especially this time around.


Dear Chief, I am so glad I didn't disappoint. It seems we share that morbid curiosity, tread carefully, love, you'll often find more than you bargain for in such pursuits. I can't see how S2 is beautiful in content so I assume you're referring to the writing, and for that I thank you.


Dear Bachelorette, Your initial response is one that a good deal of people share upon reading this. I should get you to summarize all of my stuff, your observations are always so astute and you encompass things in a nutshell far better than I ever will. Thank you so much. This is also old work, and I actually took out "but by fist" before posting and then at the last minute I restored it. Removing it felt like picking a scab, and I like it for aural quality. I knew you would zero in on it, so now I'll remove it because the scar left behind when I pick it will still remain in the thread. I get the best of both worlds that way. I try not to tell anymore, but rarely succeed, my wordiness will be the death of me. I don't know when to shut up and tend to have too rigid a hand to get my images seen the way I desire. I sabotage myself repeatedly and wield an ungainly whip over the reader. Sometimes, I think I'm hopeless, especially since I know I'm doing it half the time and do it anyway. Ugh, I'm rambling. Back to business, I never thought I would touch this, but I am really contemplating taking your suggestion of moving the "battered faces" line. I need to think on it a bit more, but I really like it, thanks so much for such desirable input. You're not weird at all, the unsigned cast was designed to do exactly that, but most people miss it. I'm unfamiliar with the song, but I'll Google as soon as I can, anything that this reminds you of is well worth the effort. Danke, love, have I told you lately that you are a fabulous asset to these boards? If not, I just did.

Thanks to you both,

All the best,
Lisa

Originally Posted by Chester's Daughter

I'm unfamiliar with the song, but I'll Google as soon as I can, anything that this reminds you of is well worth the effort.

Ah, well, I should warn you that the song, while it deals with spousal abuse and murder, is... weirdly upbeat. I can only assume they were trying to bring a serious problem into the limelight by turning it into a catchy pop song. But, yeah, it's an interesting song, more as a curiosity than anything else. I should also point out that it in no way resembles the tone or the intensity of your poem, and it wouldn't surprise me if someone were to take issue with the seemingly cavalier attitude the song has toward its subject matter. Anyway, just a heads up.

Lisa, impactful as always but especially so, given this topic.

Battered faces are not
suited for smiles.

More than meets the eye, here. It also speaks to a battered state of mind. I get the feeling that if she ever smiled, she would forever be forcing it. Whatever joy she had in life, a distant boat. A very powerful line.

her broken body now stiffer
than her unsigned cast.

I also found this to be very moving. Just two words unsigned cast speaks volumes. And clever in context.

Tracks of teeth
left upon her left arm

Such powerful imagery - I can almost feel it. The highlighted, the operative word.

he subtly persuades her
to embrace his apology.

Very insightful. So true to the pathology of the abuser. Never again, baby

A brilliantly raw write!

Lisa-you have created an emotional Tsunami....Peace--Jul

Always such powerful verse from you. Here are my thoughts:

Originally Posted by Chester's Daughter

The fan exhales
a steady breeze
enticing wisps
of spun gold
to dance across
a plum hued cheek.
Strands twirl
in a tickling tango. You use such great sounds to open with. The alliteration here is very crisp.

Purple lips plumped -
not by collagen -
stretch just a bit.
Fractured nose crinkles
and forehead furrows
as she winces. Excellent verbs throughout.
Battered faces are not
suited for smiles. Agree with SM - powerful stuff.

Right arm dressed in plaster
screams in unison
with six shattered ribs
while her ruptured eardrums
blessfully block rasping breath. This line felt a tad awkward to me. I don't know if it's "blessfully" or the syntax of it, but it feels a beat off.

The bulk of the heavyweight
for whom she serves as a bag
darkens the doorway. Excellent imagery/metaphor
A cord is yanked
stilling dancing strands.
Lips and nerves begin to quiver
her broken body now stiffer I love this rhyme
than her unsigned cast.

Tracks of teeth
left upon her left arm
peek from beneath
a sailboat speckled
hospital gown
as fingers with nails
ripped from their beds
accept his proffered bouquet. This is my favorite stanza, as far as language goes. Excellent rhythm, very nice rhyming.

Her throbbing hand
is cupped then compressed Maybe a comma here?
piercing palm with thorns
as he subtly persuades her "Subtly" - from what I know, wouldn't an abusive person be more explicit and exaggerated with their "apologies", going over the top with the "I'm sorry... never again... It'll be different..."? Maybe I'm way off base here, I don't know.
to embrace his apology.

Blackened eyes
in bowed head Maybe semi colon here?
water blood colored blooms
with silent saline rain. "Saline rain". An interesting image with great alliteration.
Bandaged bridge
is forcibly pressed
onto drooping petals.

Inhaling deeply
as instructed
all she smells
is shit. I've gone back and forth on this line a few times, which is why I've taken so long to reply. I think the use of the word "shit" is powerful here and warranted. Because it is so powerful, I think placing it on its own line gives it a little too much extra emphasis. Maybe I'm wrong here, but I think keeping it with the line prior might be the way to go. I think it might help the rhythm a bit as well, and it won't cause the falling off that such a short iambic line causes. Just my two cents.

this is a brutal and poweful poem... no doubt

The bulk of the heavyweight
for whom she serves as a bag
darkens the doorway.
A cord is yanked
stilling dancing strands.
Lips and nerves begin to quiver
her broken body now stiffer
than her unsigned cast.

i really like that stanza (i could be a poem in and of itself). and the last two lines of it really expounds her entrapment and isolation, very powerful.

the whole poem feel complete to me, but i have to question some of your line breaks. while it carries the rhythm, many of your images and thoughts feel choppy, which sometimes spoils the surprise that other, more powerful line breaks create. i wonder how it might read if you put some of those chopped phrases back together. that's my only nit on this. some excellent writing here lisa.

wood

Powerful stuff Lisa

The last two lines are extremely powerful and you paint a vivid image of her in the hospital bed. I wondered about the title. The use of "Psycho" tells too much. How about just "He says he's sorry"

I too stumbled over "blessfully" and wondered if it should be "blessedly"

The bulk of the heavyweight <<do you need "the bulk of"?
for whom she serves as a bag
darkens the doorway.
A cord is yanked
stilling dancing strands. <<,really like this a lot
Lips and nerves begin to quiver <<do you need "begin to"?
her broken body now stiffer
than her unsigned cast.

Lisa. Wow!

Stanza 2 is definitely my favourite, but there are so many incredible images and powerful words that make up this emotional piece of raw poetry.

her broken body now stiffer
than her unsigned cast,

Whoa! No words. I had shivers go down my spine when I read this. To be so alone, so damaged - a scary, heartbreaking thought.

Well done on yet another incredible poem Lisa!

Blimey. It's almost obscene to find inspiration in such a morbid topic, but that's what makes this so powerful. Wonderful imagery throughout. Read through the previous comments and haven't much to add except for one thing in the final stanza. The "as instructed" - is it really necessary because the stanza would flow much better without it.

Thank you for a harsh, but wonderful, read.

Originally Posted by shadows

The use of "Psycho" tells too much. How about just "He says he's sorry"

Good catch, shadows. I too thought the title was a bit off. Maybe go it one simpler and just call it "The Apology"?

You already know that I love this one, sweetie, but I'll say it again. This is the first poem of yours that I ever read on this forum and it still chills me to read this.