Thread: Of Bird Songs

A light broke in upon my brain, -
It was the carol of a bird;
It ceased, and then it came again,
The sweetest song ear ever heard - Lord Byron (The Prisoner of Chillon, Stanza X)

There is great wisdom
in bird songs,
a wine-sweetness
which pierces
heart depths
to the delight
of attentive ear
enlightening the eye
with melody
of fair light
resplendent
with innocent joy
and virtue
clear and bright ~

Todd-you already know what I think...This is as elegant as an Eastern Blue Bird"s song..Peace--Jul

I like the use of syllabics here. This has a nice rhythm as well. My one crit would be maybe it could be a line or two shorter? Near the end, I felt you might have been able to economize a little more. Nevertheless, very nice work here.

Originally Posted by Squalid Glass

I like the use of syllabics here. This has a nice rhythm as well. My one crit would be maybe it could be a line or two shorter? Near the end, I felt you might have been able to economize a little more. Nevertheless, very nice work here.

Thanks - glad you liked it - interesting you said it could be shorter, I expected crit that it was too short : ) but your assessment is much appreciated, as these types of pieces are for me all about economy of words, thanks!

firemajic, thanks to you too - I do know what you tend to like from me, so thanks : ) - I want to branch out more into character pieces and narrative, but Nature is my first love in writing, and always will be - this was a piece from several years ago, a small part of a much larger work in progress (along with Of Otters, out along the silver-stream, In a Marvelous Way the World is Changed and others) - I'm going back through them and re-examining them after a period of time away from them
---todd

Originally Posted by toddm

of fair light
resplendent
with innocent joy
and virtue
clear and bright ~

That's my only crit. Take that bit out and you have a nice end rhyme to wrap things up, IMO.

Like firemajic, I really enjoyed the elegant simplicity of this piece. I know I have a hard time writing about joyful things, but you've managed to do that without sounding corny or saccharine, so good job there!

toddm, for one who never writes purely about the beauty of nature, I enjoyed this very much in that it's clean and crisp. A very smooth read. I do have a couple of suggestions.

There's a great wisdom
in birdsongs

I would eliminate the "a".

I read a bit and wondered "Where is the wisdom in birdsongs? Where's the connection?" Then I find it towards the end of the poem.

enlightening
inner eye ....

I would have it

There's great wisdom
in birdsongs,
enlightening (the operative word)
inner eye ....

then tweek beneath.

A great pleasure to read! Laurie

ah, i like this.. kind of hit the spot this morning. the ending of this felt a bit subjective and blurry. you might want to stick with more objective details about the images and sounds. in fact i think you could cut the last 4 lines altogether, and just leave your reader with the beautiful sensation you created. just my thoughts. very well written, enjoyed this very much.

wood

I am not sure about this, but my feeling is that it should either be bird's songs or birdsong.

Bachelorette wrote:

Originally Posted by toddm
of fair light
resplendent
with innocent joy
and virtue
clear and bright ~
That's my only crit. Take that bit out and you have a nice end rhyme to wrap things up, IMO.

Like firemajic, I really enjoyed the elegant simplicity of this piece. I know I have a hard time writing about joyful things, but you've managed to do that without sounding corny or saccharine, so good job there!

happiness is harder to write about than sadness for some reason, I agree - I'm glad you liked this little happy piece - I read this lovely bit from Lord Byron, on the same topic:

A light broke in upon my brain, -
It was the carol of a bird;
It ceased, and then it came again,
The sweetest song ear ever heard

Laurie and Wood, thanks for your insightful suggestions, will try them out

and Olly, goodness, I learned something today - I felt sure Birdsongs was a real word, then I looked it up and it is actually: Bird Songs - there is a band named the Birdsongs, but those who actually study birds use two words - thanks for catching that - Lisa will be getting a PM soon to change the title : )

---todd

I like the addition of the epigraph. Chillon is such a wonderful poem.

I agree with SilverMoon about losing the article in the first line but, apart from that, this is has a spartan purity of form deftly mixed with descriptive text. Bird's song whittled down to its essence. Lovely.

CLN, thanks for your complimentary feedback - I did remove the article (and the contraction, which I never liked anyway but the line was a bit too long before without it) - the new version is growing on me - I'm considering the feedback about the ending too

Squalid Glass - Lord Byron is one of my favorites, as are all of the English Romantics

---todd

With Squalid Glass on this one - I think a good poem might be improved with a little shortening. The poem is about song so the references to light don't quite fit. A couple of suggestions which you are at liberty to ignore.

Originally Posted by toddm

A light broke in upon my brain, -
It was the carol of a bird;
It ceased, and then it came again,
The sweetest song ear ever heard - Lord Byron (The Prisoner of Chillon, Stanza X)

There is great wisdom
in bird songs
containing a
of wine-sweetness
which pierces
heart depths
to the delight
of attentive ear ------------------------------ perhaps an attentive ear or attentive ears
enlightening the eye
with melody
of fair light
resplendent
with innocent joy
and virtue
clear and bright ~

What's with it on this forum with the tildes?

Originally Posted by Bloggsworth

With Squalid Glass on this one - I think a good poem might be improved with a little shortening. The poem is about song so the references to light don't quite fit. |A couple of suggestions which you are at liberty to ignore.

I really like your suggestions, particularly cutting out "containing" - I'll consider what you say about light, but I am fond of that connection - hence the Byron quote which also makes a connection between light and the "carol of a bird"

What's with it on this forum with the tildes?

: ) I didn't see this comment, until I went to comment myself, it appeared - but I may be the sole culprit regarding the tilde usage - trying to be more restrictive in its use, but there are sometimes I feel it is the best choice - not standard, but it is, I suppose, a stylistic flourish

thanks again for your feedback and suggestions
---todd

Originally Posted by toddm

I really like your suggestions, particularly cutting out "containing" - I'll consider what you say about light, but I am fond of that connection - hence the Byron quote which also makes a connection between light and the "carol of a bird"


: ) I didn't see this comment, until I went to comment myself, it appeared - but I may be the sole culprit regarding the tilde usage - trying to be more restrictive in its use, but there are sometimes I feel it is the best choice - not standard, but it is, I suppose, a stylistic flourish

thanks again for your feedback and suggestions
---todd

If you always intend to preface the poem with the Byron quotation, then don't reflect the whole of it in your poem. With regard to tildes, don't too often or it will take on the appearance of an affectation, there are enough arguments about the simple dash.