Thread: Mill Run

on the ridge above mill run
cradled by the leafless oaks
we walk on stairs of clawing roots
beside the falling river wall

under looming iron bones
the wheel is still, but shadows turn
across the swirling deep green pools
on ghosts of men in silent toil

as rocks give up the day’s last warmth
we lie beside the river’s edge
water roars above the whispers
promises dissolve in mist

sun slips beneath the purple ridge
the last light silhouettes the wheel
a world reduced to shades of gray
love drowns beneath the endless rain

What a gorgeous poem. The imagery you have created here is stunning.I wish I had better words at my command to express my awe for your artistry....so I will compare your poem to a beautiful, elegant watercolor painting--that a person gazes at and never gets tired of looking --because there is always something new to see... Thank you---peace--Jul

This is really lovely JB. The words are well chosen; the rhythms are excellent and suit the somber, yet somehow exalted mood. It is a descent, and an ending, sad, but necessary, like the sun setting. If I were to look for an area for potential improvement, it would be in the last line- it is fine and suitable as is, but I think something more in keeping with the turning and grinding of the wheel (on love) might be even more effective.

cheers
J.R.

very beautiful piece - I love this style, and subject matter - ghosts of days gone by, rustic natural settings - you make it all so vivid -
the only improvement I could see is to take out references to "we" in the 1st and 3rd stanzas, they are not there in the 2nd and 4th and those stanzas are the better for it

keep posting, this one was delightful
---todd

This:

"promises dissolve in mist

sun slips beneath the purple ridge
the last light silhouettes the wheel
a world reduced to shades of gray
love drowns beneath the endless rain"

Powerful stuff, excellent choice of words. Your subtle rhyming is a nice touch to the beautiful picture you have created. I like this one, Joseph.

This is the very first piece I read by you and what a pleasure it is to read again. I know it was washed away in the cleanse and I'm so happy you've reposted it. I was gaga over it the first time around and that hasn't changed. If I remember correctly, this may actually be your first piece of poetry. As you can see by the comments of others, I was right about your talent. How I love being right! Still love this, Joe.

Best,
Lisa

Firemajic -- thanks for the kinds words. Glad it worked for you.

J.R. -- darn, I really thought I'd gotten this where I wanted it -- but I agree it would work much better if I circled back to the wheel some how. I'm going to have to put my thinking cap back on and see what I can do. Thanks for the positive feedback and for pointing that out. It's worth pursuing.

toddm -- I'm going to have to think about that "we" thing. I see what you mean, but I thought it was important to say clearly that it was about a relationship. I appreciate the read -- and I think that's worth looking at to see how it works. Thanks.

S.G -- thanks for reading and I'm glad you like it.

Lisa -- Heh. This was my second. It had a lot of goofy punctuation and caps in odd places. Plus, I'd repeated words a couple of times. Things that jumped out at me. It also had some language that made it seem archaic -- that and the mill setting made it all seem too old fashioned. I came across it by accident when setting up a new computer and could see that it was worth another look. I guess I've learned a thing or two -- I like it much better now -- although I'd like to take a stab at J.R.s and Todd's suggestions. Thanks, as always.

Cheers, all.

this feels so smooth and relaxing. as far as the expression love is concerned this, i think it's fine, i get that just from the tone and tone, i don't know if you need to add anything to that. i had only one nit.

promises dissolve in mist

something about that line brought the flow in a halt. there is something kind weird about the rhythm in "promises dissolve". maybe its just me, just thought it might be something you want to look at.

other than that, i really enjoyed this.

wood