Thread: My Attic Wall is Pimpled

I have been writing a lot recently, so please excuse yet another poem from yours truly. I usually go through spurts of nothing then come out of it with one or two poems. Lately, I have come out of the most recent rut with many things to say. So, once more, please forgive my barrage of poetry onto the forums as of late.

I just wrote this. Still not sure if the rhythm is smooth throughout. I like to think of this poem as a slant rhyme salad. Critiques would be very helpful.

Thank you!

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Hi SG, I've been trying to write out a crit for this poem but I'm having a hard time putting what I want to say into words, so bear with me.

First off, I have very little patience for rhyming poetry that doesn't "surprise". I think (and this of course is just personal opinion) that if a writer is going to employ rhyme, he/she needs to do it in an interesting and exciting way. Obviously "interesting" and "exciting" are pretty subjective terms, but most "traditional" poems, like this one here, come across as pedestrian to me by the mere fact that they ARE written in a "traditional" manner; you know, ABCB rhyme, standard meter, etc.

Your idea of the wall as a kind of record of your life is an interesting one that I like very much, but I'm afraid the execution comes across as a little trite. I would much, much rather see this in free verse, because I think your expressions here are being unnecessarily restricted by the form you've chosen. And, like I said in another thread, I think form should ALWAYS take a backseat to expression.

Taking things even further, I personally see very little reason anymore to even write structured poetry. I do write it on very rare occasions, but if I find that the form is restricting what I want to say, then I ditch it immediately with no remorse.

Now, obviously, you are not me. And I'm sure you had your reasons for writing this the way you did. All I'm saying is that if you're going to write in a traditional form, then you need to spice things up by making the language itself as non-traditional as possible so the reader doesn't become bored, and to keep it from being trite.

Anyway. I doubt any of what I said was especially helpful, since it was all IMO, so I'll leave it to the others to give you a proper crit, ha.

I was very intrigued by your subject matter and thought this was so unique in concept. I read it several times and it improved with each reading.Only one nit to pick--I thought you could have better served your poem with a different title.The 3rd stanza was my favorite part of this piece.6th stanza--2nd line--I did not quite understand...But I did enjoy reading this. Ok--that was 2 nits--sorry.Thanks for posting.---Peace--Jul

firemajic - thank you again for the kind words! I was lost on the title. I just through on the first line because I couldn't think of anything.

bachelorette - what a wonderful critique! Ha, I do have to agree with you. I am not a big fan of structured verse, and until this past week, I rarely wrote in it. The surprise you talk about - I tried to hit that with slant rhymes. I felt the slant rhymes would mask it a little better, but I suppose I ended up using some pretty strong perfect rhymes to end lines. In all honesty, I didn't feel restricted by the form with this one as I didn't have to alter the syntax of lines very much from what I wanted to say. But alas, this is not my territory so I am not surprised it came off to you as it did. Thank you again for your thoughts, friend.

hi sg. somehow i missed this one. i'm going to take some time reading this and get back to you soon, i want to get my thoughts on this tuned first.

Originally Posted by Squalid Glass

In all honesty, I didn't feel restricted by the form with this one as I didn't have to alter the syntax of lines very much from what I wanted to say.

Heh, I thought you might say that. I guess what I was trying to say was just that I felt that you could say what you wanted to say even better in free verse. It would give you more flexibility to surprise the reader. Not that it's impossible to do in structured verse, but it's much, much harder. So I guess I can see where the appeal lies in writing it: it's more challenging. I don't want you to think, though, that I felt that the poem was a failure, because it isn't. Just not really my proverbial cup of tea.

I have been writing a lot recently, so please excuse yet another poem from yours truly

Oh no you don't! You wont get away with this. I count on reading your poems. I learn much from them.

Now, here, I have to agree that structured verse limits the topic. But that could be easily rectified if you let it all hang out with free verse. I think definitely worthy of a re-write because the concept is so good.

My attic wall is pimpled,
not flat like a wall should be –

Just fantastic! What a way to begin.

Maybe they will be
just as a wall should be: simple, silent, stout.

And the ending as well, though I would eliminate stout.

Again, such a great concept!

I liked the first half of this one best, it seemed clear-focused and full of great imagery and descriptions - one line that was a bit jarring was "mem’ries o’er the years" the contractions seemed out of place to the piece as a whole, and distracted me a bit -

The second half honestly seemed a bit too, for lack of a better word, preachy---or didactic, maybe that's better - you had a great point to make and you make it, very explicitly - and it drifted and seemed a bit loose by the end, where the piece started tight and solid, but maybe that was your intent

Your one mention of pain in "the only way to forget the pain" gave me pause, because I then wonder what the pain is, but we never hear more about it - for "pain" in a poem to mean something to someone else, it has to be able to be related to, and I couldn't relate to it - I'm sure it is real for the narrator, but is this just self-talk or something for someone else to connect with and be drawn into?

Those are some of my rambling thoughts, but overall this piece of writing showed a certain finesse and was clearly written by an accomplished purveyor of words : )
---todd

wood - looking forward to it!

bachelorette - your opinion is very important to me, as I have read your work and have great respect for your craft. I do think though, you might give me too much credit (:

sm - thank you, friend. Although, I must say, this piece isn't really structured with a set rhyme scheme. I did employ heavy end rhymes in places, but I didn't actually have a structure in mind. Just wanted to make it sound nice (:

todd - a great critique. I contracted the words to fit the rhythm, no other reason. I was trying to make the second half not didactic, but more self convincing. I will look to see how to make that come through more. I will take out "pain". Your thoughts are spot on. I think "past" might fit better there. Thank you.

ok, sorry about the delay,

My attic wall is pimpled,
not flat like a wall should be –
and unlike most simple walls,
mine has personality. - good stanza

When I was young,
I littered it with paint.
I swam my hands through orange glaze
and stamped throughout the day.

My wall turned colors over time,
as my hand prints grew in size.
Yellow, blue, jade, and black;
my wall became a living plaque - i like this line, i feel this idea can be expanded, see below

of different times throughout my life,
different people I knew;
of different mem’ries o’er the years - the archaic wording isn’t working here, feels really out of place
to which I could eschew. - this stanza feels too general. This might be a good place to ezpand your idea of a living plague, you could actually create some of your mural of remembered faces and times, bring more of the symbols back into your metaphor of “wall”

At some point though we must realize - “we” is a new idea, i think you should stick with “i”
that walls lose strength with time.
The structures that they try to hold
will fall. Thus it must be with mine. - this is a really good stanza, pivital in the changing perspective of wall, gives good movement to the poem.

But I won’t knock it down –
I will clout a can so clear - i feel this line is a bit weak, i like the sounds, and i take it’s meaning to be some type of poly urethane clear coat, to make the wall a finished work of art, make it complete. Perhaps change “can” with “spray can”
over the handprints that cover my wall,
over it all. I will make blind my barrier.
I will turn its colored face fair. - great images here

It’s escape; - i get the significance of this line, but it feels awkward, maybe just needs a little something to get the rhythm back on track
my only way to forget the pain.
I will build anew and paint the prints
of someone else. Maybe they won’t rust,
maybe they won’t shout. Maybe they will be
just as a wall should be: simple, silent, stout. – good solid closing, nice


Well i hope this helps. A pleasure to read s.g.

Thank you, wood, for such an excellent critique. Again, the contractions were for rhythm sake, but since it seems they don't fit, I think I will take your suggestion and rework that stanza to continue the stanza prior. Thanks once again!

I have taken suggestions to heart and have made changes. I decided to keep the "form" for now, and simply concentrate on making the image stick a little stronger. I've tried to clean up the lines that have been mentioned, and I do hope this reads a little clearer. Thank you all so much for the help, and any more critiques would be just as strongly appreciated.

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ah, this rework clears things up very nice.

i get that line now. "i take it’s meaning to be some type of poly urethane clear coat..." what the hell was i thinking, heh. anyway, i like this, reads much better i think. great work on this.

wood

I agree with wood; this is much improved. This time around, the form didn't bother me nearly as much; in fact, I think I like it now. Just a nit or two:

My attic wall is pimpled,
not flat like a wall should be –
and unlike most simple walls,
mine has personality.

When I was young,
I littered it with paint.
I swam my hands through orange glaze
and stamped throughout the day.

My wall turned colors over time,
as my hand prints grew in size.
Yellow, blue, jade, and black;
my wall became a living plaque

of different hands I came to know:
friends and lovers, kin and foe;
a dyed tableau of offering hands
without an ear to listen. Maybe, “without an ear to know”? That way you still have your end rhyme, and I think it fits the rhythm a bit better.

At some point though I must realize
that walls lose strength with time.
The structures that they try to hold
will fall. Thus it must be with mine.

But I won’t knock it down –
I will erase it all, color clear, I think you need to take out “it” to preserve rhythm.
over the handprints that cover my wall.
I will make blind my barrier.
I will turn its colored face fair.

This is my escape;
my only way to forget the past.
I will build anew and paint the prints
of someone else. Maybe they won’t bid,
maybe they won’t shout. Maybe they will be
just as a wall should be: simple, silent, stout.

Also, looking at the last stanza, I think it might read better if it was broken up a bit more: something like...

This is my escape;
my only way to forget the past.
I will build anew and paint the prints
of someone else.

Maybe they won’t bid,
maybe they won’t shout.
Maybe they will be
just as a wall should be:
simple, silent, stout.

Or whatever. Mainly, I think the fourth line in your last stanza at least should have a line break, even if you don't agree with the other breaks.

your opinion is very important to me, as I have read your work and have great respect for your craft.

Wow. Thank you, SG; I'm flattered. That means a lot coming from you.