Thread: Ive done some doin'

OK so I just though of this like ten minutes ago but thought I'd share it! not my usual work, so it probably reads awkwardly critiques are welcome and appreciated as always!

I've been rockin' I've been rollin'
I've been stickin' and I've been stallin'
I've been wreckin' I've been towin'
I've been pickin' and most definitely hoein'
dear son I've been everywhere


I've done some screamin'
I've done some steamin'
sonny-boy I've done some doin'


I've knocked em up
I've picked em up
not always in that order,
I've most definitely been around
ask your ma ask your pa
they'll tell you stories
that'll drop your jaw!!


I've had a few drinks
I've had a few stinks
dear boy these things make ya think


sonny boy,
I've been drugged up
to the point of throwin' up
I've had it all
from crystal to powder
dear boy I've been everywhere


ask your mother ask your pa
they'll tell the stories
that gave me a ball


you're one step closer
to followin' my steps
turn around and make fast
for them railroad tracks
to sweet home away from home

Dear boy, don't do no doin'

It might sound rude, but what are you trying to say in this?

lol trying to say doing everything you want isn't always smart - not rude at all glad to know it doesn't make sense, just means I have a lot of work to do with my metaphors lol

Haha, this sounds like a classic rock track. You should record it!

Hmmmm, that is a good idea - if it don't work as poetry make it a song

Originally Posted by Chiefspider

lol trying to say doing everything you want isn't always smart - not rude at all glad to know it doesn't make sense, just means I have a lot of work to do with my metaphors lol

I can see it. I just think that a bit of trimming would go a long way to making the message concrete. Just thinking off the top of my head from what I can remember, the line "I bet they'll drop your jaw" doesn't flow much with the rest of the stanza. Just little things like that.

It does make sense, though; it helps me consider a poem when I know what it is really supposed to mean, though.

For some reason, I am reminded of Johnny Cash. What a fun read this was. I agree with SG - get thee to a recording studio!

Johnny Cash--"I've Been Everywhere".....Chiefspider, I thought this was amusing. I loved most of your clever lines--But I did not care for some of the words used--"yer"--"em"--I thought those words kind of brought your poem down a notch--if that makes any sense...The last stanza needs to be reworked--good way to end the poem, but you have used the word "tracks" twice..[maybe-you are one step closer to walking in my shoes] Just my thoughts ...I loved the Title. Thanks.---peace--Jul

@Lenny I do see your point, and I figured it might not make much sense - I'll see what I can do to sense it up

@Bachelorette lol glad you enjoyed it, I am considering recording it...might be fun

@Firemajic hmmm I was worried that the yers mihgt not work - thanks for the critique I'll fix those in a jiffy and glad you enjoyed hehe

OK I've made some changes based on the reviews - hopefully it flows better and makes a little bit O' sense!

I read this yesterday but had the computer unceremoniously yanked from my grasp before I could comment. Damn Halo, I say! Okay, my dear Chief, the complainer is here, do you have your finger hovering over edit in preparation to click yet? Best put that finger down then, I love this. I must echo Bachelorette regarding Mr. Cash whom I developed a distinct fondness for after seeing Walk the Line. This, indeed, would be make wonderful song. I do, however, believe you should restore the thems in S3 to 'em, I think the dialect works extremely well and those thems are kina stickin' out now. Much enjoyed, love.

Best,
Lisa

wow :O I never expected that from this lol, I'm thrilled you enjoyed it - and with no nits at that! - thanks bunches If I sing I'll let ya know

Dear Chiefspider--I have a nit to pick---just because someone[me] critiques your poem--does not mean it's a valid critique....I think Lisa is right yet again [darn it!] Your title [which I overlooked in all my wisdom] sets the tone for the entire poem. So sorry. I really do love your work and always look forward to reading it. Peace--Jul

Firemajic, I make sure to never take critiques personally , in fact the effectiveness of critiques on this forum is what made me join - I wouldn't be the poet I am today if it weren't for critiques . and I'm glad you enjoyed it