Thread: America's Favorite Passtime

I hesitate to post this, seeing all the great material on these boards from the past few days, but if you'll allow me to run through a litany of excuses first... ("It's only a second draft!" "It's unfinished and I need help!" "I suck at metaphor!")

There. I feel better.
_____________________

I really must get to bed—I’m sure
there is something I will need
to wake up for come morning.
But I’m watching a game.
An old game. One of yours.

I don’t know any of the guys out there;
I could never follow such sports.
The next one up could be Romeo,
Heathcliff, or Caligula, for all I know,
which makes it difficult to care.

Yesterday I passed up a drumstick
for some breast meat, and one of them said,
Oh, you must be batting for the other team.
Everyone laughed, and I did, too.
I don’t even know why. Although,

if you want to play, you laugh at
what doesn’t amuse, smile when there’s
no reason to. And the more options you have,
the harder it is to choose. It becomes
like having no options at all.

I just want to find someone I can’t hate.
But a girl can’t even hit singles unless
someone is circling like a shark that has
tasted first blood, that has swung,
and made it to first base.

I’ve never liked baseball.

Hmm... I'm a tad confused. The first two stanzas make sense, then I get confused, then the last three stanzas make sense. This has nice language, but I'm just confused as to how all of it ties together.

hi, just wanted you to know that i was here, i read, and i will be back with a crit for ya. it's 4 am here, i'm up for some reason (?) so i'll work on this for a bit before i have breakfast.

Originally Posted by Squalid Glass

Hmm... I'm a tad confused. The first two stanzas make sense, then I get confused, then the last three stanzas make sense. This has nice language, but I'm just confused as to how all of it ties together.

Well, first off, every time I post a poem on these forum, extra line breaks get mysteriously added, as if by forum-gremlins. So, I fixed that, which might help a little.

RE: being confused

Yeah, I tend to do that, ha. I try really hard not to just come right out and SAY things, i.e., telling, and while things make sense in my mind, I don't have enough objectivity to discern if, you know, everyone else in the world will get it.

Basically, the third stanza breaks down like this:

- guy makes a stupid dirty joke at the expense of the speaker
- everyone laughs, so the speaker does too, even thought she doesn't think the joke is funny
- speaker then reflects on what she views as a necessity to "play the game"; i.e., laughing and smiling when you don't necessarily want to.

Anyway, SG, I really value your opinion (well, I value everyone's opinion here, of course) so if you get a sec maybe you can let me know if that clears things up for you, or if it's still confusing. Thanks.

wood: Ah, thank you. I look forward to reading what you have to say.

I really must get to bed—I’m sure
there is something I will need
to wake up for come morning. – l1 and l2 feel kind of wordy and passive
But I’m watching a game.
An old game. One of yours. – what do you mean by old game?


I don’t know any of the guys out there; - perhaps “players” instead of “guys out there”
I could never follow such sports.
The next one up could be Romeo,
Heathcliff, or Caligula, for all I know, - perhaps an “or” in front of heathcliff would help these selection of names feel more random
which makes it difficult to care. – kind of awkward, perhaps “for all I care”

Yesterday I passed up a drumstick
for some breast meat, and one of them said, - the drunstick / breast meat reference confused me a bit, can be taken several ways, sexual, racial. since this is a more narative poem, perhaps you could clarify the sexual intent a little more

also, who is them? brothers? male friends of a boyfriend, husband, significant other? i don’t think you need to add too much detail into this, but “them” feels kind of incomplete

Oh, you must be batting for the other team. – i think you could lose the “oh”
Everyone laughed, and I did, too.
I don’t even know why. Although, - this line is cancelled out by the next line, in which you explain why. I think you could cut it completely

if you want to play, you laugh at – this is a really hard cut emjambment, skipping it to the next stanza, but i feel the the juxstaposition is a bit to weak to justify it. plus the statement could stand on it’s own if you wanted to. i rewrote a couple of samples, things you mihgt try here (these are far from perfect, just samples):


“if you want to play, you laugh.

Smile when there’s no reason to.
And the more options you have,”


or:

“if you want to play, you laugh

at every stupid word.
Smile when there’s no reason to.
And the more options you have,” etc…

what doesn’t amuse, smile when there’s
no reason to. And the more options you have,

the harder it is to choose. It becomes
like having no options at all. – these lines, hmm. i get a sense or what you are saying here. There are lots of choices, but intense preasure to chose certain things, kind of a “you’re free to chose, but don’t disappoint me” situation. i don’t think your message it coming thru very well, you have a very valid idea that i think needs to be expanded here.


I just want to find someone I can’t hate. – i like this line, but i can’t figure out what it’s relating to.

But a girl can’t even hit singles unless
someone is circling like a shark that has
tasted first blood, that has swung,
and made it to first base. - here i get lost, i’m not sure what you’re trying to say

I’ve never liked baseball.


hope this help, i hope i didn’t go overboard with it. i like the idea of this and look forward to see any new version

Thanks for taking so much time with this, wood. Even though my "excuses" in the first post were half-joking, I really do suck at extended metaphor, ha.

Obviously needs some extensive re-working, but that's exactly what I needed to know. Thanks, guys.<3

EDIT: And, voila. What follows is the re-working. I hope things are a bit clearer this time around.
_____________________

I should just go to bed—I’m sure
I will need to wake up for
something or other come morning.
But I’m watching a game. An old game.
One we all must play.

I don’t know any of the men out there;
I could never follow such sports.
The next one up could be Romeo or
Heathcliff or Caligula, for all I know,
so I’m not really sure who to root for.

Last night I passed up a drumstick
for some breast meat, and one of the players
said, You must be batting for the other team.
Everyone laughed, and I did too, because
you have to, if you want to play.

The game over, our team shuffled out,
some in pairs, some not. I left the field alone.
I realized then that the more options you have,
the harder it is to choose. It becomes,
sometimes, like having no options at all.

I just want to find someone I can’t hate.
But you don’t even get to hit singles
unless someone is circling you
like a shark that has tasted first blood,
that has swung, and made it to first base.

I’ve never liked baseball.

Hmmm I enjoyed this, when I read it my first thought was a sports game, but after the last stanza I'm thinking its the "game" of love hehe - vary nice work

I do believe this edit has completely cleared up my confusion. Very nice job using the forum to improve. Here are some detailed thoughts:

Originally Posted by Bachelorette

I really must get to bed—I’m sure
there is something I will need
to wake up for come morning.
But I’m watching a game.
An old game. One of yours. This line still trips me up a bit. "One of yours" - as in, baseball is a game he likes, therefore he has symbolic possession of it?

I don’t know any of the guys out there;
I could never follow such sports.
The next one up could be Romeo,
Heathcliff, or Caligula, for all I know, Get rid of the comma after "Caligula"
which makes it difficult to care.

Yesterday I passed up a drumstick
for some breast meat, and one of them said,
Oh, you must be batting for the other team.
Everyone laughed, and I did, too.
I don’t even know why. Although, This stanza makes MUCH more sense now. Good edit.

if you want to play, you laugh at
what doesn’t amuse, smile when there’s
no reason to. And the more options you have,
the harder it is to choose. It becomes
like having no options at all. This stanza has some excellent internal rhyming.

I just want to find someone I can’t hate.
But a girl can’t even hit singles unless
someone is circling like a shark that has
tasted first blood, that has swung, "first blood" hmm...
and made it to first base.

I’ve never liked baseball. I've gone back and forth on this ending, but I think it's good. Yes, I say keep as is.

Chiefspider - Thanks! I'm so glad you liked it. I'm going to assume, however, that you're talking about the second version?

SG: Many thanks to you as well. Maybe you missed it, but I did change the last line of the first stanza, so it no longer says "One of yours." That line originally just meant that the speaker was watching a game of baseball on TV that her ex had taped, and nothing beyond that. I guess I left it in there because I was trying to imply that her ex was kind of a "player". But, like I said before, it probably only made sense in my own mind.

I seem to veer wildly between being too blunt in my writing and flat-out "telling" or making no sense whatsoever in my aim to be clever and creative and subtle. Hm. Eh, well, that's what I'm here for, though. To improve. And you all are making it very easy for me to do so, and I thank you for that.

I guess this one is more geared for the ladies. I got the original S3 with no problem. I love this and I think you did a fine job with your metaphor, you carried it well and it's very clever. For the record, I don't think your name choices in S2 are random at all, they describe the different "types" in my opinion, but perhaps I'm reading too much into it, I tend to over think things. I really have no nits and think the edit works wonderfully. I do have a question, though: is the title misspelled intentionally? I think you may be deliberately mocking. I like that. Stop being so hard on yourself, Bachelorette, you've clearly got it goin' on.

Best,
Lisa

Originally Posted by Chester's Daughter

I guess this one is more geared for the ladies.

You know, I THOUGHT that might be the problem, but I didn't want to inadvertently diss the fine gents who commented so thoughtfully. What's more, the one other person I showed it to was also female, and she too got on the first read-through. Funny, that.

For the record, I don't think your name choices in S2 are random at all, they describe the different "types" in my opinion, but perhaps I'm reading too much into it,

Heh, it's awesome that you caught that. It very much was intentional, yes.

Stop being so hard on yourself, Bachelorette, you've clearly got it goin' on.

Ah, well, I'm only hard on myself in an effort to be a better poet. I'm also possessed of a rather self-deprecating humor that doesn't translate well to the internet but is a tough habit to break. Still, thanks for the encouragement; it is much appreciated.

One last thing I thought I'd mention. This poem was written in response to a challenge: write a poem containing these five words: sometimes, Caligula, drumstick, shark, and baseball. This is what I came up with. Wheeeee~

From a rotten, stinkin', hard to accommodate prompt? Freaking superb, I bow to you. I know your words are suffused in humor, but please realize that are you talented. As for the guys, let them write their own stuff, lol. The name bit was ingenious, another bow, you're getting a bill from my chiropractor. Keep doing you, love!

Me

@Bachelorette well I do believe it is the second version, I didn't have the pleasure of catching the first one sorry .