Thread: Ever Since We Met

Ever Since We Met

deadly dangerous, destroying my deepest defenses
vibrant and vicious, a viper poisoning my senses

the amaranthine reds of sunset’s horizon
now seem to show cinereous shades at day’s death
and the once glistening greens of nature’s new growth
suffer grotesque rot, reeling in Reaper’s breath

the melodic melodies of Mozart
has ceased to tug heart or even touch ears
for while pianos play precious music
the black and white notes, I cannot hear

succulent strawberries aren’t sweet
sorrowfully losing their soul
gluttonous gorging, on the fruit,
can’t fast enough fill this empty hole

roses and sunflowers,
whose soft smell did lure,
rather reek of sour sweat
a still, stagnant sewer

and what was firm,
felt fast with hands,
now seems distant
ephemeral sands

deadly dangerous, destroying my deepest defenses
vibrant and vicious, a viper poisoning my senses




*amaranthine - a purple-red shade, eternal, everlasting
*cinereous - ashen grey



Thanks for any comments. I've been up for 32 hours and just wrote this so, while I'm rather pleased, it is possible I am quite delirious.

I do hope you got some sleep!

This is an interesting piece. I don't normally like poems with large amounts of big words, but I think the style of this is fine since it is very consistent. Also, I think this might be more powerful without such a focus on the rhymes. I would like to see this without a rhyme scheme. Thoughts:

Originally Posted by Flapjack

Ever Since We Met

deadly dangerous, destroying my deepest defenses
vibrant and vicious, a viper poisoning my senses I don't think you need this stanza here or at the end.

the amaranthine reds of sunset’s horizon Good word! Nice way to describe it.
now seem to show cinereous shades at day’s death I don't know, I don't think you need the last three words. Also, you need a comma at the end of this line.
and the once glistening greens of nature’s new growth "nature's new growth" is awkward. Maybe rephrase?
suffer grotesque rot, reeling in Reaper’s breath Why no period? haha, you use commas! I like this line.

the melodic melodies of Mozart
has ceased to tug heart or even touch ears *have
for while pianos play precious music I think you get get rid of "precious music". It's not as strong as the simple image before it.
the black and white notes, I cannot hear

succulent strawberries aren’t sweet
sorrowfully losing their soul Sounds nice!
gluttonous gorging, on the fruit,
can’t fast enough fill this empty hole I think this is a good stanza but I think the rhyming flattens it a bit. It alters your natural syntax to much, making it seemed forced.

roses and sunflowers,
whose soft smell did lure,
rather reek of sour sweat
a still, stagnant sewer This rhyme feels more natural, and thus, the stanza is good.

and what was firm,
felt fast with hands, Hmm, not sure what this line means.
now seems distant
ephemeral sands Very good ending line.

deadly dangerous, destroying my deepest defenses
vibrant and vicious, a viper poisoning my senses

Thanks for your excellent comments, Squalid. I'll get to working on this soon.

I probably should mention the syllabic structure here. I used 14 syllables in the first and last stanza. 12, 10, 8, 6, 4 in the others respectively. That may explain the odd phrasing I used. I added the first and last stanza afterwards, but I'm hesitant to remove them because they are a thematic element, although not an essential one.

Thanks again!

Alex

Originally Posted by Flapjack

Ever Since We Met

deadly dangerous, destroying my deepest defenses
vibrant and vicious, a viper poisoning my senses

Whoa, alliteration much? Hehe. It seems a little overdone, especially in the first line: all D's but one word. I'm still debating on whether or not I agree with SG that these lines should be taken out entirely, but if you decide to keep them, consider reworking the first line so you're not clubbing the reader over the head with the same consonant.

the melodic melodies of Mozart

I don't know about "melodic melodies." Isn't that kind of like saying "red redness" or "analytical analysis"? It's just redundant, that's all, but I'll chalk that up to lack of sleep, haha. I think, though, that you can find a better word.

I used 14 syllables in the first and last stanza. 12, 10, 8, 6, 4 in the others respectively

Hm, interesting. It can be a good exercise to practice with different forms (or so I've heard) but if the form gets in the way of what you're trying to convey, as I think it might in this case, then, IMO, form should take a backseat to expression. I like the idea of diminishing stanzas, but I think you ought to focus more on what you're saying than on how it's presented, and I think you'll find that if you do, then you've got yourself a stronger piece.

Anyhow. Just my $0.02. It was a fun read, though; thanks for sharing.