Thread: A Thousand Angels Screaming

I stood there at that place
on Highway 67,
touched twisted metal,
shattered glass,trampled grass,
blood splattered on wild roses
and heard a thousand Angels screaming.

Casket smooth and polished wood,
lights soft and dim,
drifts of dying flowers,
soothing words of comfort lost
in the sound of a thousand Angels screaming.

Head bowed, hands clasped
in desperate supplication ,
gazing at your narrow grave
an abyss I can not cross,
"Amazing Grace" sang the choir
but above it all,
the angels kept on screaming...


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vary well done! I love your images - stanza2 was brilliant! keep up the good work.

This has the potential to be something great, but I think it still needs some work.

For starters, and this just may be me, but "a thousand angels screaming" does not strike me as a powerful title or recurring line. I don't know why, but it feels almost cliche and a little over dramatic. I think maybe if it was toned down to something more personal, it would fit the theme of the poem better. Thoughts:

Originally Posted by Firemajic

I stood there at that place This line needs some tweaking. Either leave it as "I stood/on Highway..." or take out "there"
on Highway 67... Elipses are not the proper punctuation here. I think you need to put the next few lines in parenthesis.
(touched twisted metal Need a comma after "touched"
shattered glass,trampled grass, Nice line
blood splattered on wild roses)
and heard the sound of a thousand Angels screaming.

Casket smooth and polished wood Comma needed here
lights soft and dim Need comma after "soft"
drifts of dying flowers
soothing words of comfort lost This is a very nice stanza. I say end it after "comfort".
in the sound of a thousand Angels screaming

Head bowed, hands clasped
in desperate supplication ... Again, elipses aren't needed here.
gazing at your narrow grave Maybe a semi colon or dash here.
an abyss I can not cross,
amazing grace sang the choir This feels like a forced rhyme but only because of the syntax. I say, reverse it and say it normally and you'll be fine. Also, the name of the song should be capitalized and in quotes.
but above it all
the angels kept on screaming... Again, I stand by what I said about this line. I also think the transition you make to it in each stanza is forced. I think the poem is much more powerful as is if this line is cut.


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I think this is a terrific poem. Great work. 'A thousand angels screaming' does it for me as captivating. One is drawn to know why angels, mostly good in nature should be screaming. It draws a sense of grim. Then you get to the piece itself and realize the dilemma of a lone person pondering over a sad event. Twisted metal, shattered glass, trampled grass, blood splattered and wild roses tells of the catastrophe. You begin to realize why the angels must wail.

Then comes the casket, wood, soft light; These vividly brings the demise to fore. For a thousand angels to register lament over one soul portrays import of the departed. Dying flowers and dim drifts don't actually catch me but they are not out of place.

At the end both mortal and immortal register loss as choir sang Amazing Grace while the angels continue their wail. Gazing at your narrow grave, an abyss I cannot cross. Don't u think a comma will do between grave and an as I have placed it? This line is super. I would have love to read on. A little longer maybe, forgive my hunger.



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Chiefspider--Thank you for reading and for your wonderful compliment!
Squalid Glass--I have corrected some of the punctuation problems you so kindly suggested,Thank you. I will absolutely consider all of the changes you suggested--you have some very valid and well thought out points. This is the first poem that I have ever written that I did not use rhyming words--so I am way out of my comfort zone here.This was written about the wreck that killed my beautiful Mother after she left my house..And I remember that when people would talk to me--it sounded like everyone was screaming...Thank you for your wonderful critique--I am always striving to improve. Peace--Jul

I'd read this yesterday, I was somehow very strongly attracted to it, made my heart ache, but couldn't understand it completely. Now that I know the story behind it--the way you put it is really beautiful. Love the title. As moonrise said, it's heartbreaking to know the angels, who are normally serene, are screaming so loud, and one wants to know what made them do this. Really nice work. Keep posting.

Moonrise--I am thrilled that you understood why the Angels Must scream...I felt that the Heavens must be grieving and horrified at the terrible tragedy that had taken place on that highway.Maybe one day they will stop screaming...Thank you so much for reading. There is a last stanza that I left off-I will think about putting it back. Peace--Jul

Candid Petunia--I am honored that you read and understood. There are many reasons why the Angels screamed--But the most tragic reason is that they screamed for me--I was unable to scream --I was struck speechless for a long time--Unable to make a sound-inside my soul--I was screaming, so the Angels screamed for me...Thanks again ---Peace--Jul

I know from whence this came, and I love it. Thanks so much, dearest Jul, S2 and S3 put emotions I don't dare touch on the table. A brilliant write, period.

hey jul,

I thought this was really lovely, in form and depth of feeling. I am sorry for your loss. These things should not happen, but they do. A couple of minor suggestions for you to consider:

Originally Posted by Firemajic

I stood there at that place
on Highway 67,
touched twisted metal,
shattered glass,trampled grass,
blood splattered on wild roses spattered instead of splattered
and heard the sound of a thousand Angels screaming. delete 'the sound of'

Casket smooth and polished wood,
lights soft and dim,
drifts of dying flowers,
soothing words of comfort lost
in the sound of a thousand Angels screaming. 'amongst' instead of 'in the sound of'

Head bowed, hands clasped
in desperate supplication ,
gazing at your narrow grave
an abyss I can not cross,
"Amazing Grace" sang the choir
but above it all
the angels kept on screaming...


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Lisa-I knew you would get it...Thank you so much for taking the time to read and to comment Peace...Jul

J.R.MacLean--Thank you for your insightful critique--I am going to take your advice in the first stanza and delete the words you suggested ..It sounds much better that way. Thank you also for your kind words. The Angels have been screaming for soooo long now... Peace...Jul

Wonderful introduction to an environment and persona in the first stanza. The imagery seemed focused and progressed fluently.The refrain lines provide a strong rhythm for the piece. I'd read this poem again.

Hey Jul, I recall the backstory from a while back and thought you did a really lovely job here - nice juxtaposition of images here, with the refrain returning - I thought if it had been "a thousand angels weeping", I may have joined in with Squalid about cliche and overdramatic, but screaming adds a twist, another layer - angels generally either sing or weep, at least as far as their typical representations - angels screaming become something akin to banshees of Irish folk legend, who appear wailing when someone is about to die - very fitting here
nice work!
---todd

jeffrey c--thank you for reading and replying --I am thrilled that you used the word "fluently" ...This is the very essence of what I was trying to create---a fluent telling of an event. Thanks again. Peace...Jul

Todd---You know I was longing for your critique...I love that you wrote of Banshees ...I was so intrigued with that thought that I reread my poem with different eyes--thinking of the wailing banshees. I would love to see you turn your considerable talent loose on that subject--What an amazing read that would be...Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply. Peace...Jul

Jul, what a powerful poem. The "thousand angels screaming" truly shows the horror of this tragedy. That one line says it all, and says it so much better than a book of essays could.