Thread: Enter, Madness

Please, tear this apart. As of now, it's an experiment in sound, but there may be points where it comes off too strong. Any suggestions or critiques will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

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Enter, Madness

That's crazy talk!

This is cool use of language, although a few times it veers off the edge (of madness?) into indecipherability. I like the mind-as-house analogy a lot, and this part:

washes your windows
so you may peep at the sheep
who live in Normal’s woe.

was especially great.

If you are using cad as a noun, I don't think you want the comma after rigid.

Thank you for the kind words!

I was hoping to use cad as an adjective. Is that possible?!

Oh yes! I would know your name by your title and you would know mine by my recent one. What decadence if we would collaborate on "Madness".

Enter the scoundral, villian indeed. He steals sanity as a pass time. Too many, his victim.

He is
sharp corners
with no sight around,
alone in a house
when shadows stretch like gum.

Shadows stretch like gum is brilliant! Though I would replace when with where.

But you’re gone, forever withdrawn
like an astral body
Milky Ways away.

Very powerful, depicting "gone" mad. Sanity's so far away, past the Milky Way.

But your poem is so close to my heart. Laurie

ah, i like this a lot. great word play, great form. everyline slid smoothly into the next, nothing wasted.

But you’re gone, forever withdrawn
like an astral body
Milky Ways away.

they were too many great lines to quote, but if i had to pick i guess it would be those last three.

wiggle nail dentures.
this was the only thing that felt unclear to me. i have no other nits and see no reason to rip it up. very well done.

wood

Thank you both for the kind words! Wood - wiggle nails are a type of nail with some spike like edges on one side. It was a ridiculous way to describe sharp teeth haha!

wiggle nails are a type of nail with some spike like edges on one side

ah, i see now. perhaps "wiggle nail teeth" would work better, but then it doesn't have the same sound quality as "wiggle nail dentures". anyway, this was a pleasure to read.

I liked this as well. But I sort of had this sense where I knew you were trying to play with sound. Like it felt a bit forced to me in certain places. And I think "madness" is just so overplayed. I appreciate that you're approaching it in a different way, but the beginning of the piece just sort of made me go, "Oh, boy. Not another one." The rest of the piece, however, wasn't like that at all. But I think the beginning detracted from that. It didn't really hook me. And far too many adjectives. But maybe that's just my taste.

Parts I thought sounded forced:

when shadows stretch like gum.

Succumb

I think it's the word "succumb" that's bothering me here. The idea is great. And like Laurie, I love the "stretch like gum" part. But I've read the word "succumb" in so many poems lately (not on this site), so I think I'm just a little sick of it. And the rhyme here seemed obvious. My mind was already there before I read the next line.

He becomes your cloak;
a dear, old bloke;

This to me sounded like you were just trying to rhyme and it breaks away from the tone of the rest of the piece.

I also thought the italics in the last stanza weren't doing anything. It seemed a bit emphatic to me. I don't think you need them to make your point.

He creeps about your creep
during paradoxical sleep
and washes your windows
so you may peep at the sheep
who live in Normal’s woe.

I loved this entire stanza except the last line. I didn't care for the personification of "Normal." I mean, it goes with the personification of Madness, like two opposing forces. That's probably what you wanted. But I didn't care for the personifcation of Madness either, so maybe that's why I'm not liking it.

I thought you really did have great sound here, though. Definitely good work. Looking forward to seeing what you do with it!

I think this is good too, especially the inventive wording. I do think the title is too telling -- maybe work the madness in some other way -- or maybe it just comes across without it. Now this may be too weird or come off as goofy, but maybe you could be tongue and cheek and say "hello madness" -- kind acknowledging the cliche aspect of it. It's the "enter" that makes it a bit too grand sounding, maybe. Just a thought. Heh.

Angel - Thank you for the excellent critique. I really appreciate it. I'm sure the whole damn thing is forced! Haha, intense rhyming like this is definitely not my comfort zone. I will continue to look to work on making it more subtle. I'm sorry you feel the subject tiring. Haha, sadly, it is pretty much the only subject for me, but I will look at the beginning to see if I can come up with a better hook.

Joseph - Appreciated, as always. I didn't realize the title came off as such. I'm not sure about "hello, madness", but I will look for alternatives. Thank you!

Hi SG,

Hope you don’t mind me throwing my two cents in. Experimenting is great (and necessary for development) but I think this is an experiment which didn’t quite come off. I agree with Angel that the first couple of lines are somewhat OTT/cliché, and that some of the rhymes felt forced. Other parts just didn’t make sense to me, or sounded ridiculous (damaged your choke? So you may peep at the sheep?).

I think with madness, less is most definitely more. By which I mean, you don’t need to layer it on quite so thick. The first couplet and stanza are really melodramatic. Perhaps that’s what you were going for, but to me ‘madness’ is a very loaded term and a more subtle treatment of it would be more hard-hitting.

Or taking a new and interesting angle. I LOVE the idea of madness coming to wash your windows. Lots. It reminds me of a poem I read not long ago (opening two lines to Sinead Morrissey’s ‘Through the Square Window’ 30 Years of the National Poetry Competition). It's an eery and uncanny idea. Watering the tree and mowing the lawn ('get off the grass') are also nice touches. You could probably take a whole new route with these few snippets, if you wanted to experiment some more.

Keep up the good work!

-R

I have worked with the criminally insane--and the "just plain insane"- And with people who for various reasons were pushed over the abyss into madness--Some of these people were able to function and to keep their madness hidden for awhile...This is what your poem reminds me of--A person struggling to appear normal--but not quite pulling it off..The erratic nature of this poem is madness personified ...I loved it except for the line" smoke from the pipe..." Peace--Jul

rainhands - thank you so much for your honest critique. I really do appreciate it. This is definitely a poem that is out of my comfort zone, so I'm not surprised a lot of it feels forced. I will definitely look into the changes you have suggested.

firemajic - thank you for your kind words! i.e. the smoke line. Hmm. I'm surprised a lot of people didn't understand that one. I thoght it was one of the clearer lines, hah. Choke as in the device which regulates fuel/air upon startup of a gas motor. I figured the line was about madness being something that destroys your ability to "start up". But I digress. I will look to improve that line as best I can.

Different strokes for different folks. I'm an oinker in a pen right now. I love this. I'm a sound junkie and this was a fine fix. I didn't find it forced at all, and I loved your use of both sheep and choke which made perfect sense to me. I will suggest that you don't offer an explanation before pieces like this, if everyone knows you're going after sound they will focus on it, best to let readers find their own way. I think without the forewarning, less would have found it forced, but that's just my opinion. I also loved the dentures bit, had to pause there and read it four times for the sheer satisfaction. I have no nits, but if it's cad as an adjective you want then it should be caddish. I'm elated that you've become so active, SG, you know your stuff extremely well, and are blessed with the capacity to relate your thoughts in replies to others in an absorbable fashion, I so envy you that. Well done, love.

Best,
Lisa

CD - thank you, once more, for the kind words. Caddish... wow, I didn't even think to use it like that. I like the change.