Thread: Indoctrination

Nun-eyed
stepmother wore a
diamond cross with
matching earrings.

She who taught me
my first Catholic prayer.

“Tiffany's will be yours someday. Amen”

Rhombus woman,
never sanctified by
holy tonic water and gin,

would always be Canaanite’s daughter
before the spell was lifted.
~
I modeled
my pearl rosary beads
round my neck

Painted my bible pink

Cast plaster Virgin Mary
into a makeup drawer.

No one heard the Mocking bird sing.

They brought me to a priest,
who sported a Rolex watch.

I see the drought's over, Amen for rain. I don't know who was worse, your father or your stepmother. Ugh. It's a crying shame that they convoluted religion so much that you walked away with distaste upon your lips. They even denied you the comfort of faith, pigs I say. I suppose it didn't help much to be mentored by a priest with a taste for material things, either. They are not all like that, Law, I swear it. The piece is brilliant, as always. The opening lines had me perplexed for a moment, but the second stanza quickly cleared that up, and I must admit I love the childlike quality of those lines. Love the wordplay, especially "cast plaster Virgin Mary". I also love the cap in mocking, you clever beast, you. Two tiny nits, stepmother is one word and Tiffanies should be Tiffany's. I would love to say I enjoyed this, but in all honesty, it pissed me off, which means you have a success on your hands. Kudos, love.

Lisa, thanks for catching the misspells but more importantly for getting the childlike wording made to play up the adult crimes. The few times I've touched on religion I just can't hold my caustic tongue! My apology to those of faith whom I might have offended but I must write my truth.

I would love to say I enjoyed this, but in all honesty, it pissed me off, which means you have a success on your hands.

Well, thank you (smile)

Thank the muse you are back! Since I grew up under similar circumstances, this resonated greatly with me. The language itself is wonderful, per usual, and I'm so glad you are feeling like yourself once more. Thoughts:

Originally Posted by SilverMoon

I thought that Christ died for our sins I don't think the extra words are needed - they should already be known.
on a kind of tiara. I agree with CD about the slight confusion early. This becomes clearer later on, but maybe reworking your syntax here might help. Like, "on a tiara of sorts" or something like that.

Nun-eyed, Ha! What a great description.
stepmother wore a
diamond cross
with matching earrings
who taught me my first Catholic prayer. "Who" is an awkward transition within this sentence. Right now, it's kind of a dangling modifier. Maybe a new sentence for this line with "she" instead of "who."
“Tiffany's will be yours someday. Amen” You use dialogue in such a powerful way. It's one of your strengths. This is a great insertion.

She, rhombus woman, Another excellent description, and with so few words! Poetry indeed.
never sanctified
by holy tonic water and gin You need another comma here. This and the line prior are nonrestrictive modifiers to your subject (she) just as "rhombus woman" is.
would always be Canaanite’s daughter
before the spell was lifted.

I modeled my pearl rosemary beads
round my neck, painted my bible silver I think semi colon instead of comma.
and cast plaster Virgin Mary into a makeup drawer. My favorite stanza. "Round" instead of "around" is a simple but wise touch.

No one heard the Mocking bird sing. Leaving this on an island creates emphasis. I think this is the perfect line to do that with. It's ironic, and it shows a lot.

They brought me to a curative priest,
sporting a Rolex watch. I thought this ending was a bit abrupt. I think you might be able to give us one more line to fill out the picture. Also, this is another dangling modifier. Who is sporting the Rolex?

A bit more like myself. Still tired. This is really a snap shot of a poem and I understand how you can relate! You've made some very good points which I'll be attending to.

but maybe reworking your syntax here might help. Like, "on a tiara of sorts" or something like that.

Thanks, Glass. What a difference!

I thought you did an excellent job with this. I have to disagree with the others about the beginning. It didn't confuse me. It just made me curious and want to keep reading. I wouldn't add any clarity there. It's a hook. I also disagree with SG about the ending. I thought it was perfect. And I really liked:

No one heard the Mocking bird sing

Capitalizing "Mocking" was a great touch. Emphasized the mocking of religion.

“Tiffany's will be yours someday. Amen”

I wouldn't put this part in quotes. It's already sort implied and I think the quotes give more emphasis than needed. What I think would be cool is if "Amen" was its own line. That would also emphasize the "mocking" sense that you have here. And to have two mocking lines on their own like that would create a more fluid sense in this piece. If that makes sense.

She, rhombus woman,

I actually didn't like this part. I loved "rhombus woman" (great imagery), but didn't like "she." The line was just awkward to me. I almost want to say just cut out "she" and make it just "rhombus woman." I don't know. Your call.

I agree with SG about adding a semi-colon, but I would put it after "silver." Then maybe cut "and" and add "I"? Again, this is just an opinion. I think bringing "I" back there would make the line more personal and bring the reader there with you.

Really liked this one. Great work as always!

Great title, and a very revealing poem Laurie.

I thought that Christ died for our sins
on a kind of tiara.

Nun-eyed,
stepmother wore a
diamond cross
with matching earrings
who taught me my first Catholic prayer. I do think the who needs to be she or clarified more.
“Tiffany's will be yours someday. Amen” I like the way you've put the Amen here, rather than on another line. I think it's more mocking and abrupt, a great effect.

She, rhombus woman,
never sanctified
by holy tonic water and gin
would always be Canaanite’s daughter
before the spell was lifted.

I modeled my pearl rosemary beads
round my neck, painted my bible silver
and cast plaster Virgin Mary into a makeup drawer. Like this a lot.

No one heard the Mocking bird sing. Like the others, I think this line wonderful.

They brought me to a curative priest,
sporting a Rolex watch. I too think this one needs more clarifying, though I did get it. Maybe, who sported or he sported.

Nice work. The language is very good, as usual -- and I get the whole thing too. Although, I must be one of the few people raised Catholic who actually had a good experience -- and I went to Catholic school and the whole nine yards. I'd still be Catholic, except my wife's Episcopalian and we flipped a coin. Regardless, I liked this, and can relate to it on some level, being familiar with the trappings etc.

Is that supposed to be rosary -- instead of rosemary?

I haven't been around enough to know you were away, but I'm glad you're back. Cheers!

Bay Very pleased you liked the beginning as well as the ending. Such important aspects of a poem.

I took your suggestion

She, rhombus woman,

and eliminated she. I think extranious.

Please keep your suggestions coming because you have a very good feel for poetry at large. Thanks much, Bay.

Cindy thanks so much for such generous feedback.

who taught me my first Catholic prayer. I do think the who needs to be she or clarified more.

Thanks. I changed to she, who taught me my first Catholic prayer.

I did eliminate "that" before "Christ. It does read better. More poetic.

Maybe, who sported or he sported.

Consider it done. Again, thank you for the digging.

Joe Yes. I'm back. Had been feeling poorly for weeks. Thanks for the welcoming. So you survived the Catholic experience? My stepmother was a fanatical, staunch Catholic and parochial school was no walk in the park. I've written about the subject before and will probably write more about it from different angles. It left a great mark on me. Oh, I must have been thinking about food, seasoning. Ha! Rosary. Glad I can laugh at myself!

Thanks, Joe, for your feedback.