Thread: pretty waitress perfect of fools (language)

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Well, you've certainly got a knack for creating crazy (in a good way) images. And I really like that about your work. But I feel disconnected from it all. There's just so much, and I feel like there's no thread holding it together. It's sort of all over the place. And with all these wonderful ideas and images, I think you'd have something really great if you could sort of "tame" it. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. Not trying to mess with your poetic voice or anything. You have a style that is signature to you. And all your images are sure to enamor readers. I just wish I could really connect, I guess.

I'm rambling. Haha. It's late. Hope I made some form of sense.

"she wears a uniform of fingerprints, greedy eyes always touch
too much"

I must admit, that is a very brilliant line.

I like your juxtoposition of real and imagined, and your allusions are top notch and out there. Your similes are what bug me and what I think need more work. Your metaphors are very strong, but your similes just don't seem right.

"in a peanut butter jar
like voodoo" - a good concept, but what? what does voodoo look like? when is it ever in a jar? either I'm missing something big here or it just doesn't make sense.

"a small voice becomes urgent like
some twisted edvard munch screaming:" - I see what you're trying to do here, but I'm not sure if it works. Maybe the phrasing? I don't really know what it is, but this simile, to me, just doesn't do what you're trying to say justice.

Now, compare those with: "she’s a lovely cold sculpture" and "she's a painting of a painting."

I think those images are just more poignant and touchable. Even your crazy metaphors are given great explanation, like the wormhole one.

Now again, all this may just be my issue, but I think you can use better similes. I think this piece needs one or two more. You're metaphor heavy right now, which is fine, but I think a better blending of metaphor and simile might help.

Regardless, this is a fascinating piece. It's engaging, rhythmic, and well paced. Great work.

Hello Wood,

First things first: you command a figurative style of writing. With that to your credit, you can choose to create a lot of effects like a color artist. You leave me jealous. Another thing is the flow. I'm not complaining. Only a few people could maintain smooth wordings throughout a long piece.

It's somehow distracting when I get a sense of who the waitress was, her character, her work, and then...kabusi...a few other lines work against the good foundation. If you could work on some of the similes, that would be OK.

This is freaking brilliant. Although it seems like it's almost all over the place (yet again, you've got this style nailed) but it isn't, at least not to me. I was with you every step of the way, it seems you have an uncanny ability to duly sate my particular brand of insanity. Can't say if that's a good thing or not, no matter, though, I loved it! For what it's worth, I got the peanut butter jar/voodoo bit, yeah I know, please don't ask. And I have to echo SG regarding the fingerprint line, to die for. I could completely relate and slipped it on like my favorite robe, but that might be because my Mom was a waitress until her legs and feet finally gave out, and I spent a great deal of time in diners watching her work as a young child. Like your lady, she had dreams, too. Only one definite nit, rattlesnake is one word and one possible nit, manikin, is it deliberate wordplay on napkin or just a typo? If it's the latter, than it should be mannequin. Enjoyed to the extremes, keep doing you, dear Wood, you liven this joint up for sure.

Best,
Lisa

hi bay, thanks for the review. untamed, yeah i guess thats a good way to describe it. i'm still in the edit phase, so this may become a little more tamed... but not much.

squalid glass. you're absolutuly right. i'm not a big fan of simile and rarely use it. the first one is easy enought to fix. i need to reword the second one, i want that image of munch's scream to be more litteral, not sure what to do yet but i will work on it. thanks for your input on this, you've got very keen eyes.

foxryder, thanks for the feedback, you flatter me, but i'm not sure i deserve that much credit. "distracting when I get a sense of who the waitress was, her character, her work, and then...kabusi...a few other lines work against the good foundation" i wasn't sure what you meant by that and hoping you could clarify, or if you could point out which lines you are refering to. thanks again

lisa, doh! (head-slap) i can't believe i let those slip thru. should be mannequin. it was a late night, i have no other excuse for myself. so glad you could identify with this, i like making those connections

I really like this too. It seems like it's the product of something I do -- and that's observe people and invent scenarios. I love the bit about the furniture, especially. That made her come alive to me and really hit home. Very nice writing.

thanks joseph. yes, it's a portait... but only half invented (i didn't want her to know i was writing about her so i didn't ask a lot of questions). and thank you for not using the words crazy, insane, or madman in your review, lol.

Wow. After reading that I feel like I just lived through a meteor storm. So many images, hitting so hard.

My favorite line is the same one SG likes.

I confess I was distracted by "Venus on the half-shell" and had to go look up the novel cover, with the goodlooking guy in the red minishorts with the star on the butt and the couldn't be more scantily clad stars heart and heels Venus. mmmmmmm. Now where was I?

Also, this was brilliant:

picasso shaped heartbeats
a basement full of hey-dudes and hey-bros in vodka flavored
party masks

Fantastic, but a bit overwhelming.

"...with the goodlooking guy in the red minishorts with the star on the butt and..."

thanks for the review. err, i don't think we are talking about the same painting, lol, but if that's what you see then i say go with it. "a bit overwhelming" seems to be the consencus, i will keep working on it. thanks again.