Thread: Musings for a Lost Lover

PART EIN

lover, lover, come around

feed my yearnings, feed my eyes

my bloodhound heart

finds the way

give me peace for another day

the delightful curve of your back

and all the things you'd never say

no matter how we'd part our ways

had happiness once, maybe twice

and now it's on my own, all alone

no one to guide me through the night

show me the light of this frightful plight

PART ZWEI

night after night
by the glimmering light
i hold your bear, i hold it tight
devil-may-care, i'm like a lost child
only want to hold you close
stroke your hair and make you feel
like the most beautiful boy in the world
as you are, to me
always and forever
makeup or not
you don't know what you've got - naturally
lost, in your own way
you'll figure it out, you'll forge your way
little gay boy with a dream of flashing lights
shades of gray, always make me pray
you realize you are greater then your faults

CURTAIN CALL

but now it's all gone...

The curtain call kind of blindsided me there. I think it needs more, or something. I really think the second part of this is the best. You overuse rhymes in parts, but the flow and imagery is well done and superior to the first part. Interesting read!

A few misspellings, and these lines--
"show me the light of this frightful plight"
and
"you realize you are greater then your faults"
are a bit weak compared to the rest of it, but otherwise, great job.

As in:
"my bloodhound heart
finds the way
give me peace for another day"
the rhyming pattern, with the 2 short lines and 1 long line, is super cool. I also like how you built up suspense and only revealed the facts about this lover person near the end. I look forward to reading more from you.

It seems to me that your need for structure and rhyme are a bit at war with your raw emotions and tend to box them in a bit when you should be exposing your desire and hurt; that is where the power of your writing is, in phrases like

"only want to hold you close
stroke your hair and make you feel
like the most beautiful boy in the world",

not in matching night to plight. It could use a little structural loosening and thematic tightening, if that makes any sense.

As far as nits, should it be "my eyes" instead of "by eyes"? And line 11 should be "no one to guide me through the night"

I might change the title from Musings to Yearnings, because the yearning in it drives you, drives the poem, and swallows up the reader. very emotive. Makes me want to give you a hug.