Thread: Sam (Strong Language)

Like a lot of my poetry, this was written for a ex-lover. It was originally called 'One of those Days' - but I changed it to 'Sam' after the distinct and piercing look I got from him after I showed this. The situation was, as one may assume from reading this, not fantastic. And similarly, like most of my exes, I have yet to have moved on. I hope to emphasize the hopeless dichotomy that one has when they lose a love, which is something like part anger, part disappointment, part love, part regret... and over all, the sense of not being ready to let go, although probably damn well wishing you could... Fuck the light and damn the dark I should have known you were trouble from the start King Bitch, King Bitch You'd love to see me fall down this ditch again Kissed you once, so what if it was nice? Who was I to know you'd turn to ice? Forget me now and I'll forget you No tears on the grass, no morning dew Spare me your perfect lies, fake cries And I'll hold onto the image of those perfect eyes

Hello and welcome! This poem has some very strong points and some very weak points. Your description is easily relatable, but at the same time, I think it highlights some of the weak points of this piece. I was curious as well - how old are you, if you don't mind sharing? My thoughts:

Originally Posted by Kaskadian

Like a lot of my poetry, this was written for a ex-lover. It was originally called 'One of those Days' - but I changed it to 'Sam' after the distinct and piercing look I got from him after I showed this. The situation was, as one may assume from reading this, not fantastic. And similarly, like most of my exes, I have yet to have moved on. I hope to emphasize the hopeless dichotomy that one has when they lose a love, which is something like part anger, part disappointment, part love, part regret... and over all, the sense of not being ready to let go, although probably damn well wishing you could... Fair enough, but just in case you felt this was needed, it is not. Explanation for explanations sake is fine, but don't ever feel like you must explain your choices and reasoning for a piece of art. It is you and that is well enough. First off, any reasoning for the double spacing? It was a little distracting for me. Fuck the light and damn the dark I like this line. It's rhythmic and it is strong. Some might not appreciate the swears, but I think it's fine. It creates an immediate feeling of anger and distress. I should have known you were trouble from the start A very telling line. How can you show this? Perhaps a memory? King Bitch, King Bitch This time, I do not feel the cursing is warrented. The repetition of the phrase draws emphesis to it, but I don't feel it is needed. You'd love to see me fall down this ditch again A very nice internal rhyme here with the last line. But - what ditch? Kissed you once, so what if it was nice? I like this line a lot. A very poignant rhetorical. Who was I to know you'd turn to ice? This is cliche. Perhaps another image to portray her turn... Forget me now and I'll forget you Here is where I have the biggest issue. This line feels like something written from your explanation of the piece. It feels sentimental and, well honestly, teenagy. I don't know if that's a word, but you see? I understand you are trying to portray anger here, but how else can you do it without coming off as an angsty high schooler? No tears on the grass, no morning dew Morning dew! Very nice image. I think you can do without the first part of this line and just leave the reader with the second part. "no morning dew on the grass" - something like that. Spare me your perfect lies, fake cries I like the rhyme and the sentiment, but perhaps you can show this. Again, there is a lot of telling in this and I feel more concrete images would help. And I'll hold onto the image of those perfect eyes Perfect is used twice in as many lines. Also, how are the eyes perfect? They haven't been mentioned at all in this entire piece, so perhaps you can add more imagery of her eyes earlier. This is a good place to end the poem, and I think it needs to be held onto, but can you show us instead of telling?

Hi there! Thank you for your feedback, to answer your question I am 18 years old as of this past March.

I enjoyed reading your comments and they raised questions that I hadn't realized at first. As for the explanation at the front, I just kind of put that there as background, but I could see where that would be redundant and unnecessary.

Double spacing is just how I originally wrote it in my notebook, there's really no reason for it other then that's how I did it at first and I never changed it.

As for how I knew he was trouble from the start, in reality it would have been from his attitude. He was very carefree, sometimes immature, and seemed to be most interested in having fun rather then actually being responsible. So I guess I knew it would be unstable, I just wasn't really sure how to explain that without dragging it out and defeating the flow.

King Bitch, yeah, I can see where that would trip someone up and make them not like that. The line has to do with something that him and I wrote on the wall in my room when we were together, but it would be lost on just about anyone else.

The ditch I referred to was supposed to be relative to the feeling of me falling into a pit that I couldn't get out of, like a depression. Especially because he knew that when I got with him that I was having a lot of woes about a past relationship, so that leads to him pushing be "back in".

Completely agree on the "ice" line as being cliche, that's my least favorite part about this, but I had trouble finding a replacement.

Also completely agree on it being a little angsty and teenagey, I suppose it is like that, because it was written by a teenager about a teenage relationship! (laughs)

On the concrete imagery, that's a recurring problem for me, I tend to kind of pull things up as I think and sometimes forget that they might not have any relevance to what I've written. Like with his eyes, they were easily my favorite part of his physical appearance, big and blue that would shine like the sun radiating off the ocean if he was in sunlight, but once again I'm unsure how I'd actually say that in the constraints of this work.

But thank you very much for your critique, I appreciate it, and I can tell that you really put a lot into your responses and they make a lot of sense.

Originally Posted by Kaskadian

Hi there! Thank you for your feedback, to answer your question I am 18 years old as of this past March.

I enjoyed reading your comments and they raised questions that I hadn't realized at first. As for the explanation at the front, I just kind of put that there as background, but I could see where that would be redundant and unnecessary. Again, no problem, I just hate when people feel they have to defend their art as being about this or that. Art is art and people will make what they will of it.

Double spacing is just how I originally wrote it in my notebook, there's really no reason for it other then that's how I did it at first and I never changed it. No issue, but as of now it seems each line is it's own stanza. I think it might be beneficial to go through and decide where more logical stanza breaks should be.

As for how I knew he was trouble from the start, in reality it would have been from his attitude. He was very carefree, sometimes immature, and seemed to be most interested in having fun rather then actually being responsible. So I guess I knew it would be unstable, I just wasn't really sure how to explain that without dragging it out and defeating the flow. Exactly. Pick a moment that represents what you just described, and describe it. It will be much more powerful than stating the fact.

King Bitch, yeah, I can see where that would trip someone up and make them not like that. The line has to do with something that him and I wrote on the wall in my room when we were together, but it would be lost on just about anyone else. Perhaps put it in italics, then. That will show that the line has some sort of meaning.

The ditch I referred to was supposed to be relative to the feeling of me falling into a pit that I couldn't get out of, like a depression. Especially because he knew that when I got with him that I was having a lot of woes about a past relationship, so that leads to him pushing be "back in". I figured, but again, show this. The imagery of a ditch works perfectly for this sentiment. Expand the image.

Completely agree on the "ice" line as being cliche, that's my least favorite part about this, but I had trouble finding a replacement.

Also completely agree on it being a little angsty and teenagey, I suppose it is like that, because it was written by a teenager about a teenage relationship! (laughs) Of course, and I'm sure everyone understands those feelings. My thought is that in a mature poem, that angst should and can be avoided. Hold onto the emotion and sentiment that you carry about the issue and then filter it into something that resonates as pure and mature. Nothing wrong with teenage angst, but you have shown that you are a strong writer, and a strong writer can do more with the feeling you describe in this line.

On the concrete imagery, that's a recurring problem for me, I tend to kind of pull things up as I think and sometimes forget that they might not have any relevance to what I've written. Like with his eyes, they were easily my favorite part of his physical appearance, big and blue that would shine like the sun radiating off the ocean if he was in sunlight, but once again I'm unsure how I'd actually say that in the constraints of this work. "big and blue that would shine like the sun radiating off the ocean if he was in sunlight." There you go. That's how you show and not tell. That image itself is a bit cliche, but it's not bad. Descriptions like that add power and substance to the things you wish to communicate.

But thank you very much for your critique, I appreciate it, and I can tell that you really put a lot into your responses and they make a lot of sense. Thank you for sharing! You'll see your writing improve dramatically here.

well, i think squalid glass covered everything (he's a pretty sharp cat). i can't think of anything else to add. i like the energy of this, and the anger and hurt is displayed well thru your tone. i look forward to reading more of your work.

wood