Thread: F/Off (moderate swearing)

F/Off

Tough guy
"Death or Glory!"
He drinks and smokes and swears daily

His facebook says

Switchblade Jesus is his nickname
He’s a part-time tattoo artist
Imposing and bearded and fully inked

in his facebook pics

He likes to shoot loud guns
And get with girls with black hair and lots of tats

Although his facebook status is single
and facebook doesn’t tell you

He lives with his mother
In a tiny apartment
And the utilities just got shut off

His facebook challenge says:

“You wanna fight?”
But two or three gang girls beat the shit out of him last Tuesday
In the parking lot behind a bar
Until he escaped by crawling under a car
And he borrowed the money for the doctor
To fix his booted face
From his dying grandma in the hospital

He didn’t put that on his profile

facebook lists his profession as

artist/dirtbag/machine builder
it’s 1/3 right
and I just wanna say to him
“You’re 32 years old; when the f**k do you plan on growing up?”

But we’re not facebook friends,
My second cousin once-removed and I,

And I don’t feel like making a scene
at his grandmother’s funeral.

Very cleverly crafted. I liked all the references to Face book-I am often amazed at the blatant lies people post there..
I really enjoyed reading this unique poem.--Thanks--Peace--Jul

Hey, I have a cousin like that, too. Enjoyed this one, alan. Great ending.

It's good to see you in the poetry forum, I don't think I've ever seen you post a poem here before.

I thought the title an ironic request to the staff.

That ending is just perfect. Jesus, who hasn't come across this on the good book?

I really enjoyed it, based on the title I had no idea where it was going to go, but I was pleasantly surprised. I think it speaks wider then just for whoever inspired you to write this piece which at some points (to me at least) comes off as very personal. But that's a compliment as I feel it makes it relatable to almost anyone.

To me this is more then just a remark on one person, or even facebook alone. It's about people and their deceptions. I think we all know people like this even though the circumstances are different for everyone. To me, it makes me wonder if that person is really that ignorant or if they're just in that much denial - who knows, but the anger and contempt towards his false way of live where he acts like a strong man while mooching off family and the world is real and visceral. I don't mean this to be comedic or dense, but it reminds me of my drug addict uncle.

The ending was powerful too. It really made me double take and think back at the rest of it. It's an unbelievable feeling when you really just want to stand up to someone, and tell them exactly what's on the tip of your tongue because you know damn well that you're right, but you refrain - not for them, but for the respect of those who they are probably actively disrespecting.

Woo. Loved this, Allen. (Your alan-Allen thing really does my head in, haha).

Two lines in the whole thing didn't have the first line capitalised... couldn't see a reason for that, so, nit?
Otherwise, pretty awesome. A few of my cousins are near-strangers to me. No gun-toting switchblade Jesus though.

heh, yeah i like this. very well done. loved the ending. i like how worded your "facebook" lines and kept them seperate, gives it an air of questionable authority, very nice effect.

And he borrowed the money for the doctor
To fix his booted face
From his dying grandma in the hospital - these lines felt a little bit wordy to me, perhaps not. also wondering if they might work better with the last two lines flipped:

And he borrowed the money for the doctor
From his dying grandma in the hospital
To fix his booted face

other than that, i have no nits. really enjoyed this, very well written.

wood

Wow. Thanks all for reading, and for the thoughtful comments! This was a personal situation and I wrote with a bit of disgust, to vent. I fell better now.

Jul - thank you! Glad you enjoyed it. Some people construct a new self for facebook. Seems odd to me, but then I am a pretty happy and satisfied guy.

Gumby - This is my second posted poem in the four years I have belonged. Every once in a while I step outside my niche, but i generally would rather read other people's poetry than write my own. Thanks for reading, commenting, and your nice words.. Maybe this guy is a modern phenomenon like the drunken uncle, every family has one.

Baron - hahahahaha! But I actually like and respect you all too much.

Squalid - Danke! I am pleased that the ending made a good impression.

Kaskadian - Thank you for the thoughtful comments. Your comment got me thinking further about more people I have known like this guy and a couple of thoughts materialized. First, that humans have a great capacity for rationalization, subjective viewpoint, and self deception. And second, that of the people I have known like this (and I was married to one once), they have been incredibly unhappy or frustrated by the clash between their own self-image and how society at large sees them and deals with them. I was pretty mad when I wrote this because the guy is just a douchebag, but it's not really my place to make an issue of it.

LaF - That is a valid nit. Looking back, I have no idea why I capitalized some but not all, except twice where it was obvious a sentence continuing into the next line. Hmmmmm. Better take a look. I got a Woo. yay!

Wood - thanks for the read and critique. I'll have to give it some thought, but on balance, I think you are right about switching those two lines around. I'll have to play with it a bit.

Much appreciated, folks. The poetry forums are jumping. Now I will commence to giving some reciprocal critiques.

It's fun to see the stark difference of a character in two worlds. I've seen a lot on facebook. And I often wonder whose words are to good to believe. This is really a fresh take on the poetry section. Thanks.

Thank you, foxryder. (Are you any relation to Flynn Ryder?) Glad you liked!

Another poet digs himself out of prose for a few brief moments to delight us. This is simply grand, you really should stop by more often. I'm sorry to learn it's based on actual facts, although I think we call have a cousin or two who aren't removed enough. In any case, I'm glad you took the high road and vented here as opposed to doing so at the funeral. Words are so darn liberating. I'm glad Fox brought up the caps, I'm one of those who dislikes caps every line so I would have preferred them only when warranted, but that's just my personal preference. I really enjoyed this, it's very cleverly constructed and engaging. I do hope you'll grace these boards with your work again sometime soon, or else I'll have to pry myself away and slink over to the prose boards, *shudder* in order to read more of your work. You wouldn't do that to me, would you? (I'm kidding, of course, about the shudder, I mean, lol)

Best,
Lisa

Why hello, madame moderator! I actually stop by quite a bit to read, but I suppose I ought to spend more time being visible and commenting. I am one of those annoying readers who doesn't necessarily feel qualified to crit poetry, but I know what I like when I read it. Thank you very much for the critique and compliments.

lol at your shudder, especially since most of my writing is fantasy or historical fiction, genres which readers either really like or really despise. I am not a very prolific poster, especially since daddyhood up-ended my world a year and a half ago, but I wouldn't trade that experience.

I enjoyed this gritty, satiric take on some hardscrabble family dynamics. My one suggestion for possible improvement would be to begin with the line

"Switchblade Jesus is his nickname" so it starts as strong as it finishes.

cheers
J.R.

Ugh! Late to the party, again. But I have my party hat on after reading your piece. Finding you here! smile

You manage the caustic very well. Not overdone at all. And loved the very clever and inventive "Switchblade Jesus." Your entire piece was engaging. Good to have fresh blood around here. Sail over with a boat load of poems. It could be a small row boat to begin with? Laurie