Thread: ...day to day... (Edit 1)

This is a poem I have been working on and reworking for the past few weeks. I was hoping to get some feedback on it and some suggestions and critiques for improvement. The poem is inspired by the Radiohead song "Let Down".

Thanks in advance!

---------------------------------

Originally Posted by Squalid Glass

This is a poem I have been working on and reworking for the past few weeks. I was hoping to get some feedback on it and some suggestions and critiques for improvement. The poem is inspired by the Radiohead song "Let Down".

Thanks in advance!

---------------------------------
Hey SG, here's a few thoughts that may or may not be helpful:


…day to day…
(after Radiohead) (don't know the song, how about a link?)


“the loss of a creative individual's ability to function in the modern world.” – wikipedia


imaginary people
on the digital mirror screen.
frantic type, posting pics,
the emptiest of feelings. good start, but this is a terribly telly line- needs an image to evoke the emptiness...

voyeurism, trivial things.
pillow talk
in a message box,
a sentimental fling. like the rhythm of this one

gurneys flung
down paved sisyphean-streams. 'sisyphean' is a rhythm killer here
supplies to sell, phones to ring
spiders stuck on sticking walls.

cubicles –
four by four – white and black
or black and white; static boxes,
lonely picture frames. a stronger word than 'lonely'.... alien?

syntax gone and rhymes don’t
scan. bugs are trapped cut 'are'
in spider webs, limbs twitching
and deranged.

'limbs twitching and deranged' is a terrific phrase and bang on your theme.

RADIOHEAD - LET DOWN LYRICS
I have been struggling to get the feeling of the song to show in the poem for those not familiar with the song. That line you mentioned in the first stanza is from the song, hence the italics. I realized it was telling, but i wasn't sure how else to incorporate the lyrics. Thank you so much for your thoughts! I will certainly mull over them as I edit.

I can see how this would be difficult to put down but this is a very good attempt. You are at your strongest when using slant end rhymes like in S2 the ending line is also quite strong. I have to agree with J.R. about "sisyphean", is there a reason why "never ending" wouldn't work in that line? Personally, I didn't have a big issue with the "telling" line I feel its all been given away before you get there anyway, not that that's a bad thing. A small suggestion you might want to look at is playing with the order in which message box and pillow talk appear, there are a few ways to flip those lines, thats just personal prefference though. Best of luck with your edits would love to read the finished product.
-Ian

Ah, I am a huge fan of OK Computer, so there is no way I can NOT comment on this...

“the loss of a creative individual's ability to function in the modern world.” – wikipedia

Is this a description of the song "Let Down" from Wikipedia? Maybe you could reference that in this starting quote, i.e.:

“let down: the loss of a creative individual's ability to function in the modern world.” – wikipedia

Just a thought. Because it sounds like the definition of a word or phrase, yet there is no word or phrase being defined, so it feels incomplete. Of course, I can understand if you don't want the connection to the song to be that blatant, so it's just a suggestion.

imaginary people
on the digital mirror screen.
frantic type, posting pics,
the emptiest of feelings.

I too have no problem with the tell-y quote from the song, but that's probably just because I love the song... so it's not exactly an unbiased opinion. I like the ambiguity of "frantic type," although I'm not sure about "posting pics." That said, I don't know what you could replace it with and still keep the rhythm, so it's probably fine. (Don't mind me; I'm thinking as I type...)

voyeurism, trivial things.
pillow talk
in a message box,
a sentimental fling.

This bit is excellent, as others have pointed out.

gurneys flung
down paved sisyphean-streams.
supplies to sell, phones to ring
spiders stuck on sticking walls.

This bit is rather awkward. Maybe take out "paved" in the second line to preserve the rhythm? You might also consider putting the word "down" after "flung" instead of using it to start the second line; the way I read it, it would free up more "space", if you will, for the rhythm.

Also I'm not sure what you mean by "spiders stuck on sticking walls" (although it sounds kind of cool - alliteration and all that). Still, because you talk about spiders in the final stanza, maybe you could cut that last line and add something that fits in a little better with this particular stanza; as it reads right now, it feels a little out of place.

cubicles –
four by four – white and black
or black and white; static boxes,
lonely picture frames.

"Cubicles" is telling in a different sort of way, and I think you can come up with something better to open this stanza; other than that, I love the subtle humor of "white and black/or black and white." "Lonely picture frames" is good too; very poignant.

syntax gone and rhymes don’t
scan. bugs are trapped
in spider webs, limbs twitching
and deranged.

Haha, this is so Radiohead-esque - I love it! I understand why you have "are" in there (for the rhythm's sake) but I agree with J.R. - it ought to go. Of course, that will require reworking it a bit to get the rhythm back on track, but I think you're up to it.

Two more things. You start off the poem with a nice collection of slant rhymes, but then you abandon them from the third stanza on. Any particular reason why you did that? I don't think you need them in EVERY stanza, but consider trying to slip a couple more in there before the end.

Second, I think you need a closing line to the poem; as it is right now, it feels unfinished. I would suggest borrowing another line from the song, one that sort of ties everything together. Maybe "hysterical and useless"? I don't know.

All in all, I really, really like this. I would love to see your revisions should you chose to revise. Thanks so much for sharing!

Thank you all for the critiques! They have really helped, and I feel the poem is now stronger because of them.

A couple things: I was not able to figure out how to end the poem. I agree it feels imcomplete, but I'm still not sure what to add. Also, with the epigraph, I don't know how to fix it. It is actually from the wikipedia entry for Dark Side of the Moon, and it just said that that album and OK Computer both shared the same theme, then it listed the theme. I just thought the collection of words was the most depressing thing I have ever read, and I felt it needed to be included. Any suggestions on what to do with that?

Thanks again! Here is the edited version:

-----------

Ooh, I love the edit, SG, excellent stuff. I've added it to your title so everyone will know you've tweaked. I adore your final stanza and think it's a great ending, in fact, it ties in perfectly with the epigraph so I don't think that needs further clarification either. Please keep in mind that I am but a single soul, though, and one not too tightly packed at that. I am unfamiliar with the song, obviously my kids don't like Radiohead or else I'd know it, but I enjoyed this piece immensely nonetheless. Fine work, love.

Best,
Lisa

I agree with Lisa; this is much improved. A few more thoughts:

“the loss of a creative individual's ability to function in the modern world.” – wikipedia

I have two ideas for this bit, which I agree is essential to the poem. Maybe you could put ellipsis marks before the word "the"? That way you're making the reader aware that it's kind of an incomplete thought and that you weren't just putting in a sentence fragment out of ignorance. My other idea, after looking at the entry for DSOTM, was to do this:

“a common theme: the loss of a creative individual's ability to function in the modern world.” – wikipedia

That makes it more of a complete thought, IMO. But naturally, it's your call. Just thought I'd offer the suggestion.

frantic type in gigabyte,

This is a big improvement.

worker pods

As is this.

then gurneys flung
down stretched spillways
of sweating, stagnant tar.
home by five, hope for no delay.

I really hate to say this, but this bit still doesn't work for me. I think my two big irks are the word "then" and the third line. I would nix the "then" and replace the third line with your original intent:

gurneys flung
down stretched spillways
supplies to sell, phones to ring
home by five, hope for no delay

Again, just thought I'd throw that out there.

Thanks for posting your revision. I <3 it.

"a common theme" - that's it! Goodness, I love it. As for that third line giving us trouble, I honestly feel that neither line works. The new line is off rhythm and your suggestion of bringing the old line back has issues - it doesn't fit with where the poem is at in that stanza, and it does not finish the metaphor of the gurneys. I am at a loss right now of where to go there.

But thank you! Your suggestions have helped greatly!

CD - Charmed, as always. Thank you very much for the kind words.

Originally Posted by Squalid Glass

"a common theme" - that's it! Goodness, I love it.

Hehe, glad I could help.

As for that third line giving us trouble, I honestly feel that neither line works. The new line is off rhythm and your suggestion of bringing the old line back has issues - it doesn't fit with where the poem is at in that stanza, and it does not finish the metaphor of the gurneys. I am at a loss right now of where to go there.

Hm. Good point. Mind if I ask what you're trying to convey in that stanza? I guess I have to admit that right from the start it seemed a bit out of place, and I've been having a hard time reconciling it with the rest of the poem.

Also, there's something I noticed just now that I didn't catch before. In the last stanza, you say "bugs trapped/in spider webs". You took out the "are", which is good, but now the rhythm is a bit off. Maybe replace "bugs" with "insects"? That way you get your extra syllable in there.

Okay! I'm done nitpicking now, I promise!

Nitpicks are exactly what you need in poetry. I have changed bugs to insects, and I like it.

That stanza is supposed to be the traffic stanza. Cars driving down highways during rush hour. Hence the tar and paved in previous drafts. Is the image not strong enough? I can work on another if need be.