Thread: House of Invisible Viruses

House of Invisible Viruses

Porcelain windows live in ovals
around this house with shutters
like rock candy, diamond kisses
on either side. Symmetric frame.
Terracotta tiles out front—
we want to live in this house.

The door hangs in a braided veil,
where stars come to breathe silk.
Our eyes lick its reflection,
shave off the skin to peek in
the skeletal lock. And we see
nothing but shadows.

Untwist the veil. Make frays
to find what’s behind these
pretty doors breaking.
A ll the stars fall down with
Z est, sewing words below our feet.
T erracotta glitter—this is what’s real.
No one has to know. Be healthy.

Floorboards bitten, walls with handprint bruises,
broken fuses. Glass is collected
on the inside, and inside,
we are too perfect for this place.

A faceless man is twirling hours
on a clock across the hall
with hands like crinkled paper,
spitting whispers in rhythmic ticks
that race to the roof.
This is my house. This is my house.

A ll must crack. Give opportunity.
I bet you’ll be beautiful in pieces.
D ead, and no one will see.
S omething inside you that breathes.

We won’t touch the walls.
All the furniture is in disarray.
Toxic pieces. This house brings diseases.
And the man carries his clock
in our direction. Invisible hands.

You will make your exit now.
I’m positive.

It's 2 am and I have work in 3 hours, so I don't know how much help I can be, but here are my thoughts.

Originally Posted by Angel101

House of Invisible Viruses

Porcelain windows live in ovals
around this house with shutters
like rock candy, diamond kisses
on either side. Symmetric frame. This initial stanza feels cloudy to me. Perhaps pick one description, one image, and roll with it?
Terracotta tiles out front— A very good line.
we want to live in this house.

The door hangs in a braided veil,
where stars come to breathe silk.
Our eyes lick its reflection, Yum
shave off the skin to peek in
the skeletal lock. And we see
nothing but shadows. You use internal rhyme very effectively throughout this piece.

Untwist the veil. Make frays
to find what’s behind these
pretty doors breaking.
A ll the stars fall down with
Z est, sewing words below our feet.
T erracotta glitter—this is what’s real. You do this again later with the spelling of "AIDS". AZT? I don't know what it means. I honestly find the technique gimmicky though. I think your images speak well enough for themselves.
No one has to know. Be healthy.

Floorboards bitten, walls with handprint bruises,
broken fuses. Glass is collected I love that image/enjambment
on the inside, and inside,
we are too perfect for this place.

A faceless man is twirling hours
on a clock across the hall
with hands like crinkled paper, Very strong simile.
spitting whispers in rhythmic ticks
that race to the roof.
This is my house. This is my house.

A ll must crack. Give opportunity.
I bet you’ll be beautiful in pieces.
D ead, and no one will see.
S omething inside you that breathes. Again, I don't think the visual clue is necessary. Your title and imagery get the point across.

We won’t touch the walls.
All the furniture is in disarray.
Toxic pieces. This house brings diseases.
And the man carries his clock
in our direction. Invisible hands. I love this stanza. Your images and use of enjambment are beautiful.
You will make your exit now. Maybe a comma here instead of a period? Semi colon?
I’m positive. Strong ending.

Thanks for going through it for me.

However, those isolated letters aren't really meant as a clue to what this is about. They're meant to structurally show the process of being exposed (naked) if that makes any sense. AZT is a drug meant to slow down the transition from HIV to AIDS, by the way.

Hmm. Well, I still think your language itself is effective enough. I'd be curious to see what others think.

I didn't notice the acrostics at first, but for what it is worth I agree with SG; they are gimmicky and introduce an awkwardness into the wording. I would like to see it end with "We will make our exit now", which seems to fit better with the overall tone and the inclusive phrasing that precedes it. Maybe the word 'positive' could be worked in earlier. Ending on it, particularly with yet another point of view ( Our, you, I) is jarring in a show-offy kind of way.

cheers
J.R.

I appreciate the suggestions and opinions; however, I'm not changing those aspects. Any other suggestions are welcome. And again, it's not that I don't appreciate what you guys are saying. But it's not something I'm willing to edit.

Not sure you meant to post that twice--haha--but thanks. I'm still debating that last line right now. Even though it's important to me and I like it, sometimes you have to make cuts where you don't want to.

A very interesting read. Personally, I like the acrostics; they don't seem gimmicky to me.

I know you said you were torn on whether or not to cut the last line. Maybe instead of splitting it, you could say:

You will make your exit now, I’m positive.

See, I agree with Foxy that "I'm positive" isn't a very strong ending just hanging out there all by itself. But if you merge the last two bits into a single line, I think it reads better, because you don't have that enormous pause from the line break putting so much heavy emphasis on "I'm positive."

Anyway. Just a thought.

This is a very strong, well written poem.I loved stanza 5.I get the feeling that this is a very personal poem and I feel an underlying tension in your carefully selected words.--Thanks for sharing, Peace--Jul

Bay, love, I don't have sufficient time at the moment to properly crit, I say leave the last line in and where it is, it ties in with the acrostics perfectly if I'm correct about its duality. I'll be back when time permits, hon.

Me

Originally Posted by Chester'sDaughter

I say leave the last line in and where it is, it ties in with the acrostics perfectly if I'm correct about it's duality.

I did not even catch that; I can't believe I missed it. I think you are right, Lisa, in which case, I agree: let it be.

I think the acrostic would be fine if it wasn't so overt - Forget the spaces and let the reader find it through close reading.

And we see
nothing but shadows. Leave out the And

I'm not sure about the ending, is it a self-reference to the AIDS you've already signalled, or the certainty of a departure? Perhaps it's to subtle for me.

Thanks everyone.

Bachelorette: Thank you for taking time to comment and leave me suggestions. Always appreciated.

Lisa: Yes, you caught that. Double meaning there. First, it's talking about certainty, yes, in the certainty of society's fear of HIV. And second, it's referring to being HIV positive.

Firemajic: Thank you for your kind words. All of my pieces are very personal in one way or another.

Bloggworth: Thank you for you suggestions. As stated before, there is double meaning in the ending. And as for the spaced acrostic, they're like that to structurally create "exposure." So double meaning there as well.

well, very well constructed. really i have only one or nits, but i'll get to those

Our eyes lick its reflection,
shave off the skin to peek in
the skeletal lock. And we see
nothing but shadows. - great foreshadowing, perked my ears up

Floorboards bitten, walls with handprint bruises,
broken fuses. Glass is collected
on the inside, and inside,
we are too perfect for this place. - more foreshadowing, delivering doom at a steady pace, very nice

A faceless man is twirling hours
on a clock across the hall
with hands like crinkled paper,
spitting whispers in rhythmic ticks
that race to the roof.
This is my house. This is my house. - this is just a great stanza, period

the acrostics in this poem don't bother me, i think they add a structural quality, especially since you are literally building a house out of words. gimicky or not, it doesn't bother me. however, i really didn't like the ending line. it's very playful and cute, a cuteness that might work in a south park skit, but in this poem i just find it to be mocking. i feel that it really damages the seriousness of the poem, i think it ruins the build-up you created (the stuff i pointed out). i don't think it make a good twist.

this is awesome work, one of your best (that i've read anyway) i really do hope you reconcider the ending.

wood

Thank you, wood.

The ending I'm not sure about. I don't see how it's mocking or playful at all, but obviously everyone has their own point of view. For me, it was a very serious way to end this piece. But I'm conflicted between what I feel and what everyone else is feeling. Because I don't think what I'm feeling there is coming across to everyone. And I'm trying to get past the emotional attachment I have to that line and really look at what it's doing for the poem, but that's hard for me. I'll let it be and come back to it, I think.