Thread: abandon your tight-*** ways

abandon your tight-ass ways

a demon infected you
gnarling your fingers

feel his hind claws gouge your bowels
make your splitting tongue be still
so words echo down the caverns of your thighs,
conversant with the ground.

his snarl ripples from your face
the melted mask trampled as
hypnotic hooves unwind their dance.

exultant thoughts caress your spine
broadcasting aliveness
like the first crows of the morning
like the last crows of the evening

as you abandon your tight-ass ways.

Well, I feel like your language is really strong in this. I do, however, feel like the idea of a "demon" is a little overplayed in poetry in general. You're running the risk here of sounding very cliche. I'm sure that's not what you want.

You've got some really terrifying imagery here, though, which I really like.

The line that really stuck out to me (and that I actually didn't like) was:

broadcasting aliveness

I think it's the word "aliveness" that I'm not liking. The line just doesn't flow with the rest of the piece.

Not much else to say. A pretty short piece. Nice job. Keep writing.

Thanks angel. yeah demons are overplayed, much like, well, angels. But both concepts are incredibly useful in dealing with human psychology. Wrestling with demons and angels, I suppose, just seems to be part of our lot in life. I like the line you don't so we'll agree to disagree on that one. I'm happy you found it affecting. I wrote the beginnings of it a few months ago when I woke up feeling beset by...I won't say it.

I am intrigued!! I adored the sheer savageness and brutal imagery you so deftly created here. I would NEVER ask--but would love to know--what inspired this amazing poem.I have a feeling that would be as enthralling to read as this poem...
Thanks for posting--and I will be watching for more of your stunning artistry.-----Peace--Jul

Like Firemajic, I really enjoyed this imagery, savage is a great word for it. My two favorite lines:

hypnotic hooves unwind their dance. Loved this image!

exultant thoughts caress your spine I could feel the aliveness in this line.

I know you've been busy with your novel (congratulations there!) but it's good to see you in the poetry forum, again.

Thanks Gumbster.

I'm looking forward to participating a little more.

It's wonderful to read a piece by you, it's been far too long. You know I rarely venture out of poetry, but when I read Cindy's comment, I went on a quest. CONGRATULATIONS! I knew you had a success on your hands after reading the first chapters. I'm so very happy for you, J.R. and wish you sales in the millions. I have to agree with Chris that "Waking Up Gilligan" will never go out of style.

As for this piece, ooh so yummy, although the bowel gouging made me cringe, a little too close to home for comfort, lol. My poor guts begged me not to read on. I have to agree with Cindy regarding both the hypnotic hooves and exultant thoughts lines, both very powerful, indeed, and my favorites. The crow lines work extremely well, also. Much enjoyed, love, and now that you're backing to having some leisure time, don't be such a stranger.

Best,
Lisa

Thanks so much Lisa. Please don't hesitate to download the entire book as I can really use the money.

Also the hard copy should be available around mid July. It is delightful to be able to work on some new stuff after focusing on the novel for so long and to have time to check out the work of others. You clearly have not been idle; the growth in your writing ability has been wondrous.

cheers
J.R.

Hey, man. good to see a poem from you. I like this -- really nice vocabulary and sharp images. It's a bit over the top -- but in a way, I think that's what you're going for. Another good one, though. Cheers.

JB: I'm beginning to think over the top may be where I live. Look forward to checking out more of your stuff.

P.S. Where did your daughter find that snow in HOTLANTA?

cheers
J.R.