Thread: The Apple, the Dragon, and the Inevitable Conclusion

Author's Note:
Aha! I'm posting this in the correct place this time, I believe. So, I do not have very specific plans for this poem, but I care about it deeply and what it to be good. I figure it is a good poem to test the waters with here at WF. Below is what I'm looking to find out. Thanks!

• I'm curious to hear your interpretations of and reactions to this poem. What's going on in it? Does it make any sense to you? If so, what? I'm curious to see if my intended message is clear.
  
• I feel that something needs improvement, but I'm not sure quite sure where to focus my efforts. It might be something in the second section in particular. Thoughts?
  
• While it's not my main concern, any suggestions about formatting would also be appreciated; I don't usually write poems that have numbered parts, so I was at something of a loss to figure out what to do in that respect.
  
• Any other critiques are also, of course, very welcome.

The Apple, the Dragon, and the Inevitable Conclusion


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You are the dragon, about to be conquered? The apple is sin, or life, or, anything? Not too sure, but in the end, intended meaning means very little to me. We all make what we will of art.

This is good, but there are some issues. First, I think you need more images. There is a lot of exposition here. The third stanza is great because it starts off image heavy, but lines like "in an adequate though less than satisfying display" are needlessly vague and expository. Can you show that display? A line like "eager to catch eternally the hiss of wind over each scale" is great. It shows what is wanted and does it with a powerful image. I'd like to see more of that.

In the first part, I would get rid of "also" in the final line. The lead up to that statement is well done, but the "also" makes it feel dangling.

Also, I might be alone with this, but I think the voice could use some tweaking. Prashes like, "and as I said" feel choppy for a poem. Remember, say only what needs to be said. If you must repeat something there is no need to direct the reader with such an obvious ploy. Let the reader explore and discover the emphesis on his or her own.

Finally, I would leave off the titles of each stanza. Just keep it as 1,2, and 3. The reader will understand because of the poem's title.

All in all, this is a very interesting piece.

Intriguing. I had fun playing with your comments, and I have a revised version to show for it, which I'll post below. I want to keep some of the exposition, but you're right that I ought to balance it out with much stronger and more imagery. Perhaps more of that is needed still. There is also more enjambment in this version. I like it better so far.


REVISED VERSION:

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An striking use of imagery, [ liked this, but I can seldom keep myself from making a few comments. In verse one, to be consistent, the walls should "bind" not bound. In verse two I think it is stronger if you say, "---thief WHO comeS to steal OR A warrior WHO comeS--". In verse three --The inevitable. THE hero raises---"

Feel freed to ignore these suggestions. They are nothng more than one man's opinion. BTW, I really liked the "shiver like flames"" and will likely "borrow" it some time.

Prof

Thanks! I appreciate your suggestions and I'm glad you like it.

In this case, "bound" is actually used correctly. Bind means to fasten or attach to, where bound means to form a boundary.

BOUND
verb [ trans. ] (usu. be bounded)
form the boundary of; enclose : the ground was bounded by a main road on one side and a meadow on the other.
• place within certain limits; restrict : freedom of action is bounded by law.

Despite my belief that it's correct enough, if it is not commonly known, I'd rather switch it so that people don't assume it's wrong.

Does anyone care about the enjambment?
Should I give it consistent line lengths or stanza lengths?
What other places don't have strong enough imagery or are confusing?