Thread: The Dove

Dazzling thoughts, floating like a lost boat
in the middle of her ocean..
fighting to gather herself,
surrendered to stall to the empty ground..
:
:
panicked, looked confused with no directions in mind
struggled to stand on her fragile feet,
denying the extreme pain, attempting to fly,
her broken wings, let her devastated
;
;
helpless, she sat, shallow breathes,
tiresome, got her exhausted

Trapped in the options game,,
Whether to wait for her destiny
Or
Take the risk and walk..

Welcome to WF, ContendeR.

Nice poem! I like how you wrote about how the dove has to fight, how she tries not to succumb to the pain, to keep moving on--like a person who has lost a lot but still doesn't give in. Absolutely loved the ending:

Trapped in the options game,,
Whether to wait for her destiny
Or
Take the risk and walk..

In S2 L4, I think it should read

her broken wings, left her devastated

A suggestion though: you'd find almost all the members here start the poems from the left-margin. It's easier to read that way.

Nice work. Keep posting.

I am confused in parts about the tense. It feels quite jumpy because of this.

I also agree with c.p - center framed should only be used for a purpose, as with all other modifications of grammer and style. If it does not serve a particular purpose, most readers will find the alterations distracting.

I like this, the message, the progression, the ending - and I feel the words can stand stark on their own without the center-justify, or the colored font, or the : : and the ; ; Also, I'd advise either completing the ellipses with a third dot, or take it down to one dot - two looks a bit off, especially the double comma,,

also in the second stanza, consider:
panicked, looking confused with no directions in mind
struggling to stand on her fragile feet,
denying the extreme pain, attempting to fly,
her broken wings, let her devastated not sure about "let her devastated", not even sure what to suggest since I don't know what the phrase is intended to mean

Welcome to the forums, you will find people here ready to give honest feedback - take or leave mine, just trying to be helpful : )
---todd

... but i'm allergic to purple poems... no just kiding

the first stanza doesn't seem to belong to this poem, it's a mixed metephor. the first stanza is all images of boats and oceans and sailing, the subject of the poem is the injured dove and its conflict and survival, which in itself is a metephor, and the imagery it that of wings and flight. the two don't really mesh well in this poem. you might want to cut the first stanza completely, or rework it to match the imagery related to the dove, either would make this a stronger poem. thanks for sharing this and i hope this helps you.

wood

I too, think that the formatting gets in the way of the words here. It winds up being a distraction. I wrote my first poem here in center formatting also, I simply thought it was pretty, but it served no purpose to the poem.