Thread: red and blue

we'll take some of the adderall
we saved for the fall
and spend the night
dancing to the Beatles
and we'll ignore our hunger
and live off water
and cheap cigarettes
while rambling on for hours and hours
and when the morning bares its roots
we'll drive in circles on parking garage roofs
counting down each disappearing star
until redpink becomes a light blue


Maybe this will work!


We'll calm each other down
when we crash to the ground
and burst into flames
of self pity sobbing sounds
and when our tongues flicker out
and the silence begins to sprout
I'll call some people
while trying not to shout
and everything will be splendid again
and maybe we'll dance to electric Dylan
and maybe we can feel that love
we thought would never end.


maybe this will work

I like it! its a good view of a almost-poor life with yet, happy loving emotions down to the last dollar all you have is each other - right?

It's about addiction

I thought this was a very melancholy poem. this line--We'll calm each other down--when we crash to the ground...ect.
was so chilling in it's despair. Beautifully written. Thank you--Peace--Jul

I liked this. It's got a quiet desperation to it. Very nice use of sound and rhyme throughout. It's calm, yet frantic. You did a wonderful job interchanging those two qualities.

It didn't really strike me right off as being about addiction -- and it might be because of your first line. I've known quite a few addicts, and I've never heard of an addict saving anything, never mind a drug of any kind.

I like the the "Maybe this will work" line -- that really does speak to an addicts self-delusion. I'm not really sure about the erratic rhyming -- but maybe that's fitting too. Good job.

Originally Posted by Hinducow28

we'll take some of the adderall
we saved for the fall
and spend the night
dancing to the Beatles
and we'll ignore our hunger
and live off water
and cheap cigarettes
while rambling on for hours and hours
and when the morning bares its roots
we'll drive in circles on parking garage roofs
counting down each disappearing star
until redpink becomes a light blue

When I first opened this thread, I didn't scroll all the way down, and I thought this was the whole poem. Frankly, I think this first half is much, much better than the second half, and if this right here was the whole poem, I'd break the forum rules and say "GOOD JOB!" and leave it at that.

Maybe this will work!

Not sure I like the exclamation point there. I assume it's there because, at this point in the poem, they're high as kites, yes?

We'll calm each other down
when we crash to the ground
and burst into flames
of self pity sobbing sounds
and when our tongues flicker out
and the silence begins to sprout
I'll call some people
while trying not to shout
and everything will be splendid again
and maybe we'll dance to electric Dylan
and maybe we can feel that love
we thought would never end.

The rest of the poem, this whole second half, is just so much moon-and-June rhyming. You go from creating a rather desperate yet oddly wistful mood in the first half to Dr. Seuss in the second. The last three lines are pretty good; maybe you can graft them on to the first half and make that the poem...

maybe this will work

...and then, tack this on after those. All told, it would read thusly:

we'll take some of the adderall
we saved for the fall
and spend the night
dancing to the Beatles
and we'll ignore our hunger
and live off water
and cheap cigarettes
while rambling on for hours and hours
and when the morning bares its roots
we'll drive in circles on parking garage roofs
counting down each disappearing star
until redpink becomes a light blue
and maybe we'll dance to electric Dylan
and maybe we can feel that love
we thought would never end.

maybe this will work

Or something like that.

If you're really attached to the second half, though, it needs serious reworking to make it as poignant and evocative as the first half. If you do decide to rework the second half, I'd love to see your revisions. Thanks for posting. Overall, I like this one.

hi

i like this, i thought it had a great rhythm to it. normaly i might tell you to cut out all the "and", but not this time, i thought it added to the rushed feel. i have to agree with bachelorette about the second stanza, the end rhyme didn't bother me, but the language wasn't as sharp and as original as the first stanze, and i think you could do more do condense the content from l1 to l8

i thought this line really defined the whole poem for me
"we'll drive in circles on parking garage roofs" great line!

really enjoyed this, and hope i was able to help.

wood