Thread: An adventure in cynicism

Poets
Prophets
Visionaries
Dreamers

did you think
they meant you
perhaps you thought
you could
believe in their dreams
enter into their nightmares
wake up
clutching your blankets
close to your chest
pulse pounding
covered in cold sweat
for thousands of years
we paralyze are future

why do we give away
what we have
to others
why do we take
what they have
we have no faith
in ourselves
we continue to create
in another's image
with blood stained hands
we grope blindly
following the truth
nailed to a cross
purchasing redemption
with a bucket of blood
we wash ourselves
the bleeding Christ moans

do you see yourself
waiting for a ticket
this epoch is over
another's ready to begin
shall I tuck you into bed

written jan 1996 jcmc

Hey Jeffrey,

Thanks for the post. I had a couple of suggestions:

Originally Posted by jeffrey c mcmahan

Clutching your blankets
To your chest
Pulse pounding
Covered in cold sweat

You have a good opportunity here to use alliteration. I would rewrite this with emphasis on the "k" sound. Obviously, we don't want to just use alliteration for alliteration's sake. That hard sound here would strengthen the image and possibly add to the sense of sudden awakening and fear. Here is one option on rewriting it:

Clutching your blankets
Close to your chest
Covered in cold sweat


Also, I wouldn't capitalize the first word of every line. This is especially true in this piece where many lines are meant to be read together. In poetry you have no obligation to capitalize anything, and should use it as another tool for emphasis and conveying your meaning.

Thanks again for posting this. I see this is something written a while back. How has your writing changed over the years?

Alex

Greetings;

Alex, thank you for the read and your review. As is apparent I have edited out most of the capitals. I have been reviewing (just reading for now) others work and reading the reviews, so I have read discussions about capitalization. I think I've got it now. If a word is good, used correctly, and topical, it shouldn't need emphasis. I guess some things should be left for the reader to read into the; word, phrase, ect. thereby letting the reader take what they can, without forcing it into their ears, and mind.

Kudos, you made me learn something. to wit; the discussion about alliteration, I had to look into a dictionary. I liked your suggestion and have followed it. Good call.

Once again thanks for your interest

Jeffrey

P.S. As for your question about how has my writing developed from the examples of my early work to my more recent pieces. Look to the Introduction forum. I am going to shortly post there, and will discuss some particulars.

Regards

I feel this piece could use some punctuation. Nixing commas and periods is useful when it is purposeful. In this piece, I don't see that purpose. I think the poem would be clearer and more focused with some punctuation.

SQ;

If you don't pause at the end of a line, you will inhale nothing extra

I really liked this. Cynical indeed. especially St 3, what a dark viewpoint. My favorite line had to be the end, nice zing.

the only thing I had trouble understanding was,

'for thousands of years
we paralyze are future'

It comes right after, some cool imagery that represented the harsh realities that the people, who succeed in reaching their aspirations, have to overcome. Now it is good enjamb for your next st, excuse me if I don't use that correctly, but I don't know if your talking about the wannabe or not, or what you mean if you are. the only thing that comes to mind is that thinking cynically paralyzes your chances at success, but I feel like i'm reaching there.

And the only other little thing I noticed was in your first stanza. It seems like your talking about aspirations, until you get to dreamer. You don't need to work hard to be a dreamer. There is probably another title that would make many people jealous that you could use their instead, maybe.

Those are small things, I liked it a lot.

Deyo;

Thanks for the read and feedback.

Your right about the; "For thousands of years..." It was an analogy to the 2000 years since the man was nailed to a cross. Then the next stanza leads up to the direct image, which completes the association. I guess by introducing the four classes of individuals in the beginning; the following line; suggests, whether they should be emulated, pitied, or in some cases ignored, perhaps. It's written to express the hardships and struggles they face; and questions whether it is all worth it. The title is unfortunate, because this poem was not titled, but as I had a few other pieces listed as untitled; I felt I should maybe but a title on, and did my best to express the general gist of the poem.

Once again thanks for the read, your remarks were gratifying.

jeffrey