Thread: abstracting the fatal

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This is a bleak and barren picture you have painted-completely devoid of any chance of the smallest glimmer of hope or redemption. I was afraid when I started reading,that this would turn to a chaotic poem......not so! You handled all the chaos with such expertise that I was hooked! Hope I am making some sense. I feel I am being chaotic .....I enjoyed reading this poem, Thank you--Peace--Jul

I liked everything about this save the second-to-the-last stanza. I think this would be better if you left it out entirely. Also, I'm not sure about the repeated use of "nothing" throughout the poem; you might want to cut a few of the earlier "nothings" out and see if that sounds better (example: I don't think the "stockpiles of nothing" really add anything to the poem; you could remove that line completely and I think it would read better).

But, wow, I really enjoyed this, overall. Thanks for sharing.

I agree with Bachelorette about the second to last stanza, but I contend that the repetition of "nothing" is crucial. I like it.

This:

"a young girl tightrope walking on the shadows of telephone poles
sings a song that sounds like static and means nothing"

What is that feeling? Life? Madness? Normalcy? Such contradiction of normalcy in such a powerful image. Well done.

I do enjoy seeing the daily world through your eyes here. A very strong piece.

I liked this poem, but I sort of felt like a scene was being set the whole time, but I actually think that was helpful with your theme. However, I sort of had the same issue I had with the last poem of yours I reviewed, where I feel like it's too much. Like you're adding in all of these images and ideas, but all of them are meaning the same thing--nothing.(And again, that was the point, but I think you sort of overstated it.)

But some of these images are really powerful. I think the "tightroping" part struck me the most.

And I did have an issue with the lack of capitalization this time. I don't think it's really serving any purpose. But that seems to be a running theme with you, and if it works, stick with it! (Just a little pet peeve of mine is all.)

I think, though, that my biggest problem was the end. If I were you, here's what I'd do:

but every thought that crosses my lips
evaporates, becomes mist

You don't need that. It's redundant. That image is already in my head with "evaporates." I feel like the ending would be perfect if you left it at that.

Okay. Now on to all the images that I liked!

the way fence posts spring up from the ground and sprout
ugly barbed flowers in a junkyard garden, means nothing

I love this. Really cool picture and strong language.

I also liked how you used "this poem." Even though I felt it was too long, all the various images really conveyed that idea that what we do, what happens means nothing on the large scale. And all these things that are fated to happen to us are going to happen no matter what we do.

Thanks for sharing this. Really cool and interesting write.

Bay

I truly enjoyed this, wood, wonderful read.

Joining the chorus against the penultimate stanza, but loved the rest. So many images wonderfully drawn and with such precision.

a young girl tightrope walking on the shadows of telephone poles
sings a song that sounds like static and means nothing

the way fence posts spring up from the ground and sprout
ugly barbed flowers in a junkyard garden, means nothing


Loved these especially, but the whole poem is a glory to read.

I think what makes this work for me is the last bit, about the friend. It seems to me this is the reason the author is seeing the world as he is -- otherwise, although the imagery is quite good, this would be just another litany of bleakness. We all know that things can be dark, and that it seems sometimes like there is no point -- but without something behind it, something like this can come off as self-indulgent or even whiny. The line about the girl is important to me, because she's doing something normal and likely singing something something upbeat -- as children do -- it's the author's perception that it's "static" -- but it hints at a world that isn't all dark -- we're just seeing things through the eyes of someone who is dealing with loss -- maybe a seemingly senseless loss.

I'm a fan of the lowercase thing -- and I've been thinking about why I do it, since someone mentioned it on reading something of mine. I try to employ it as a device that allows me to put emphasis on certain words and phrases, to connect thoughts in ways that are interesting or playful. To me it adds another way of looking at words, combining them in ways that are unexpected. I mostly write prose, and I can do the caps and punctuation thing there 'till the cows come home -- so I like the freedom of not having to announce, "here's a new sentence everyone!!" So I guess the bottom line is -- there should probably be some reason to do it -- I don't know if that's clear-cut here, but I didn't have a problem with it.

hi everybody! thanks for all the input, great stuff here.

first i want address the capitalization issue. i thought this matter had been cleared up a few decades ago, but apparently not. i don't use capitalization because it really does not serve any purpose, it's a needless formality. the first word of a sentence is the first word you see, by default, there's no need to "flag" it, readers can find it with easy thru natural progression across the page. planting a go sign immediately after a stop sign is just silly. capitalizing proper nouns is just as needless, the stature of a person, place, or thing is not dependant on the size of the first letter, it's significance is determined by syntax. this is jsut how i feel about it, i have no use for it so i don't use it. how other people use capitalization is their business, i barely even notice it anymore. sorry if this bothers some people.

firemajic, so glad you liked this. not sure what you mean by chaos, but yes, i do try to create some kind of order. thanks again

bachelotte, cln, and squalid glass, thanks for the feedback. i was wondering if you could elaborate about your dislike of that stanza? it's one of my favorates, so i'm not sure what you see in it that is different than what i see.

thanks gumby, i'm glad you liked it. how come i don't see any of your poems in the forum? did i miss them?

joseph, ah, you hit the nail on the head. normally i don't translate, but this was not about the the truth of the the world, but the truth of a particular moment. glad you enjoyed this.

angel, you're right about that last line. i'm still playing with how i want this to end, but that last phrase it unneeded. your insights are alway useful, thanks again.

wood

Originally Posted by wood

bachelotte, cln, and squalid glass, thanks for the feedback. i was wondering if you could elaborate about your dislike of that stanza? it's one of my favorates, so i'm not sure what you see in it that is different than what i see.

Well, I understand being attached to a stanza that other people might not care for so much. That's the way it usually is for me... loving parts of my writing that most other people don't.

So, I've given it some thought, and I think that if you want to keep it in, you might consider swapping it around a bit so that it reads like this:

the random madman stranded on the median between two swift
rivers of steel, screams for no reason: “picnic on a runaway truck ramp!
did you hear what i said? i said picnic on a runaway truck ramp!”
he wants to stab at nothing

I think this works better because it fits in better with the rhythm, the way you've been ending each bit with "[something something] nothing" toward the end of the poem. I think my problem with it was the way it just kind of felt like it had no connection to the rest of the poem. If you fit it in to the poem's rhythm like this, however, it falls into place much better, IMO. But, ultimately it's your choice, of course.

Finally, I'd like to respectfully disagree with those who don't like the last line--I love it, in no small part due to the slant rhyme you've created between "lips" and "mist." That being said, if YOU don't like it, well, that's what matters.

Also, I'm with you on capitalization. I use it, but I just as often don't. I think the lack of caps in this poem reinforces how small and powerless the speaker feels after the death of his friend. OTOH, that might not have been what you were going for, but that's what I got out of it, and I think it works.

Anyway, hope some of that helped.

On the second to last stanza - I think the image of the madman on the side of the highway is great. I felt that that line alone should stand as a single image. The picnic repetition is what didn't work for me.

I greatly enjoyed this piece. Very good imagery, and interesting contrasts. I also like the phrase; "means nothing" although in the first instance you use a hyphen and then the phrase; perhaps you might to continue this "convention" throughout. As much as desirable. The times where you just use "nothing" works for me, I somewhat think of it as a change-up. Used to keep the monotony down. There are too many powerful and effective lines to discuss them all. You had me hooked with "the flickering of television boredom"

Keep on, keeping on.

jeffrey