Thread: Twelve Words

I hate you-

three simple words
that will never quite explain
the feeling that drives me
to stand in the rain
and do nothing but curse at your name

Just go away-

three blessed words
that I’ve told you before;
I can’t bear the shame anymore.

Never come back-

My mind has lost track
of how many times
I’ve told you but I did not meant it.
You have leached to my heart
to tear me apart,
slam my head on the concrete
to watch me bleed out
on the street.

I am free-

My heart can now see,
and I’m breathing again.
Life never tasted this good,
but every once in a while
I still curse your name
as I’m drenched by the rain,
but this time I’m dancing,
and I can think of you now
as an old, phony friend
who showed me how amazing
a life without Sin
can be.

I am free.

This feels like a song. I would like to hear it sung!

The rhyming is well done, and the sentiment is, of course, relatable and strong. My suggestions: look for cliches and eliminate them. "Alive for the first time", "knock me off my feet", etc. Also, meant should be mean. Maybe add another image? Something that appeals to the senses instead of something expository.

First, it's a good concept. Secondly, I agree with S.G., that you should avoid the more cliched phrases. They are one of the reasons it does remind me of a song -- where you'd be more likely to get away with them. Even "I'm free" sounds expected. Some imagery would help. The rhyming does work well. Good job. And nice to see a fellow Georgian.

OH I liked this!--been there and done that! very smooth melodic flow. thanks -Jul

powerful and punchy - very honest and hard hitting - this must have felt good to write

the flow does work well for a song, the imagery of the rain works well too

here are a few thoughts on the last stanza:

My heart can now see, slightly confusing image, heart "seeing"
and I’m breathing again.
It’s like I’m alive consider giving a metaphor here to "show" feeling alive, or how does that feel? It's easy to say you feel newly alive, but make the reader feel the same way, one really good unique metaphor could do it
for the very first time, an example of a cliche and unnecessary words: at least drop the "very: "for the first time" means the same thing
but every once in a while a breezy cliche - "but sometimes" is a simple straightforward alternative, but you could think of a better one I'm sure
I still curse at your name "I still curse your name" (drop the "at" )
as I’m drenched by the rain,
but this time I’m dancing, good switch, rain=sadness now rain=joy
and I can think of you now
as an old, phony friend maybe add "only" to the beginning of this line, and drop the "old"
that showed me how amazing "who" instead of "that", since you are talking about a person
a life without sin unclear how "a life without sin" fits in, I'm sure it makes sense on your end, but the reader is left wondering - the former phony friend showed you "how amazing a life without sin can be", and this is a bad thing? or good? are you showing a paradox here, or sarcasm, or bitterness, or still loving this person after all?
can be.

I do like the progression of this piece
---todd

Thanks guys! "I am free" is essential, but I did my best to find replacements for those ugly cliches. They sneak in there.

Good upgrade -- as they say where I work.

"slam my head on the concrete
so you can
watch me bleed out on the street."

Ouch! I hate when that happens.

Love the turn toward optimism. Refreshing after so many of us have written poems of grief and loss and despair, failing to follow up when we heal. Enjoyed this a lot because of its positive ending.