Thread: After the Fact

Oh, the extended metaphor...


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After the Fact

For personal reasons-this poem resonated deeply with me--Thank you-peace-Jul

This is good. Sure, it's an often used metaphor, but it works here. And the problem with many of them -- people tend to force them, and I'm not getting that.

I think you might leave off "like" seeing as it kind of announces things. I don't think you need it.

I was thinking maybe, "flowers can't scream," as opposed to "don't know how..." That seems a little too passive.

I really like the last line.

Good stuff, SG.

Thanks for the kind words guys. Joseph, I will look at those changes for sure.

How I love extended metaphors, and you've done a brilliant job with this, SG. I agree with Joe about nixing like, it's unnecessary as your intention is crystal clear. I also like Joe's suggestion of "flowers can't scream", it's just a tad more powerful and it has pleasing aural quality. Fine work, here, love, and much enjoyed.

Best,
Lisa

I enjoyed this piece and the deft use of extended metaphor - although I must agree with Joseph the piece would gain more power if you dropped any "like" words, and immerse the reader completely in the metaphor, then allude to the meaning at the end - also, "like...as" makes the piece actually an extended simile not a strict metaphor, although what you have already done is beautiful here - you use so many great earthy details, very rich and vivid
---todd

Ah, thank you all for the consensus. I have made the necessary changes.

Being a great fan of metaphor, this one resonated with me, Squalid. I like Joe's suggestions, too. Well done.

I am not sure it was your intent, but this made me think of the two worst teachers I ever knew. I had 36 years in public education at the high school and the college level so I do know there is a difference between bad and really bad. You nailed it. One suggestion, In the first verse it might be stronger if he pulled the flowers and watered the weeds.

Prof