Thread: Wedding Photo

Just a short one.


No matter that we are mannequins
posed for a future's sweet dedication.
Quiet together is what we have become.

Later, and two critic eyes peer into our frame.
Classless. Colourless.
A sexless marriage with eyes drawn on
two pointed pupils, an unsure mouth.

I like this. I wish it was a little longer, though. But you've really done well with saying a lot with a little. Since it's so short, I'll just go through and give you my thoughts along the way.

No matter that we are mannequins (I like this image. Good opening line. Made me want to keep reading.)
posed for a future's sweet dedication. (This is probably my least favorite line. I don't know if it's because I feel like "posed" is implied with mannequins, or if it's the "sweet dedication" that just sounds a bit cliche to me. Maybe both.)
Quiet together is what we have become. (I really love this idea. For some reason, though, I feel like there are too many words. Maybe take out "is" and rework it a bit?)

Later, and two critic eyes peer into our frame. (This one is easy. Hate "later." Love the rest of the line.)
Classless. Colourless. (Very nice. Really like this.)
A sexless marriage with eyes drawn on
two pointed pupils, an unsure mouth. (Really great ending. I wouldn't change it. Beautiful.

Really nice work. Enjoyed it. Keep writing and posting.

I agree with the above. I think the issue with second line is it is very expository instead of imagistic (is that a word?!)

I think the length is perfect. It goes well with the title. You look at a wedding photo, admire certain things quickly, then move on. Very nice.

I think it's perfect.
I just wonder if... maybe it was intentional... first it's plural ("we"), and then, despite the two eyes, it's singular... Did someone die/leave/evaporate?

Thank you for your comments Angel, Squalid and Trides, I'm going to give it a rework when I have time later next week. It definitely needs some nips and tucks, as all my work does.

I'll just try and explain the second line, it was intentionally meant to be cliche. In my mind this 'wedding photo' was one of the couple in a cliche 'wedding' pose- signing the register, hugging on the steps outside the register office. So I tried to chose a cliche to reflect that. Maybe I need to be more explicit if it's not coming across, thanks for flagging that up guys.

Trides, to be honest I think that was me being lax and not following the pronoun through. I quite like that's it's intrigued you though, perhaps I'll leave it as is

I edited a little, I got rid of 'later' but now I'm thinking it seems like two seperate pieces. Does it need bridging? I may play around it some more.

No matter that we are mannequins
posed for a future's sweet dedication.
Quiet together is what we'll become.

Two critic eyes peer into our frame.
Classless. Colourless.
A sexless marriage with eyes drawn on
two pointed pupils, an unsure mouth.

Wow...Surgically cutting to the bone...ohhh those last two lines leaves me bleeding....

Originally Posted by Firemajic

Wow...Surgically cutting to the bone...ohhh those last two lines leaves me bleeding....

Need a Band-Aid?

Originally Posted by Firemajic

Wow...Surgically cutting to the bone...ohhh those last two lines leaves me bleeding....

It is quite a bitter little piece, isn't it? Must have been in a bad mood that day and chanelled it into my writing! I'm on hand to mop up the blood seeing as I caused it

Not bitter, honest, Nenada. Marriages that actually last often wind up that way. I really dig this. As far as the edit goes, better, but I agree that a bridge maybe necessary. I'm not crazy for the word later, but something needs to denote the passage of time, otherwise it's a bit abrupt, could be the newly developed pics are being gazed at. Okay, and this is just me, the word critic is bothering me, but I can't say why. If it's only one critic, then I think critical would be better as an adjective, if it's two critic's eyes, then perhaps critics', but I believe it's meant to be a single person's eyes. Ugh, now I'm confusing myself. Even eyes of a critic would work. Anyhow, I'm insane and since no one else has complained, it's probably just me. Sometimes, my mind refuses to grasp things. I really loved your originality here and your brevity as well, so much in so few lines. Kudos.

Best,
Lisa

No, you're not insane! I can see what you mean. I could have put 'the eyes of a critic' or 'critical eyes'. I think 'two critic eyes' is quite odd sounding in a way- it makes me think of two separate eyes rather than a pair of eyes as you said. Two cyclops looking in, ha ha, anyways I'm going to give it a shot at making it sound less odd, plus try and replace 'later' with something a bit more subtle. Thanks for your response, much appreciated

Or maybe you could look at other ways to suggest the passage of time, rather than "later." For example you could say, "the tarnished frame." Or -- it would require more, but you could reference the condition of the photo, that is was faded, the "now muted colors" or something. Or, a wedding anniversary is associated with a certain material, for example, the 25th is silver -- so you might be able to work that in. It depends on how important it is for you to convey that. This is the old cliche, show not tell. And I did trip up on the "two critics" eyes too.