Thread: waltz

Do you like dancing?
no? Ok. That's fine (it's
more fun to watch other people
anyways). What about them?
the old couple helping each
other over the curb? Perhaps
they have been married for
40 years but originally weren't
married to each other in the beginning
(divorce was quite the scandal
back then but it's hard to live
with someone when there's no
love. Ok, maybe that is a sentimental
thought. Screw you, I'm writing a
fucking poem I have the right
to be sentimental!)
See how she looks at him. She's
terrified of losing him
and she knows that he's starting
to lose himself. He keeps forgetting
things around the house but he
just laughs about it and tells her
not to worry and do you think they
went out dancing all the time?
They used to but after a minor
heart attack at the dance he
was told not to exhert himself
like that but every once in the
while they put on a slow song
and hold each other and sway
to a slow waltz time.
(She holds my hand
and I tell myself to breathe as
my heart picks up the rhythm
and we aren't even moving but
I feel like we are dancing)
What about those people
over there?

The first thing I noticed about this poem is that it's one, giant stanza. That's an automatic turn off for me. The problem with having everything together like that is that it's very easy to break the flow, as everything is sort of running together in a block. I didn't expect to see it like this because of the title. I expected something that really flows and moves along.

The second thing I noticed is that you began this piece with a question. Huge pet peeve of mine. That's really a personal thing, but I think it's just so common. In poetry, I feel like questions have to be placed just right to really make an impact.

As for the poem overall, it didn't actually read like a poem to me. The emotion was there--very strong, actually--but there weren't really any poetic devices besides having it in short lines. It felt like you were sort of ranting, getting something off your chest. Writing is a brilliant way to do that. But I'd like to see some strong language use and some imagery here to give this piece some color and some life.

I think there so much you can do with this. Don't be afraid to revise. It can be really helpful. Just keep writing!