Thread: House of Horrors -Lust-(mature content)

OK second part of my House of Horrors series, I still consider this piece a work in progress, but felt it was ready to be posted - hope you enjoy and pleas critique and review it!
EDIT: I edited in the revise

The slick, mucky door opens
leaving behind gluttony,
I place my cautious foot
on her seductive floor.

My eyes adjust
to a horrific view,
chained lovers
decorate the walls
never to be together.
Stolen hearts hang from the ceiling
their emotions slowly peeling,
beautiful lips kiss the floors
licking clean, such dirty whores.

In the center is an angel
caressing the feet
of a bewitching demon
guarded by her succubi.
The caged cherub
begins to cry.

The demon glances at me and holds
an entrancing stare,
proclaiming her name without a care
she is lust

She spoke few words,
she merely smiled and gestured
for me to come forward,
so gentle she appeared to be
until she forced me
to my knee.

“I'll take all your troubles away”
she said to me,
as long as I continue to play
her twisted games.

She crept to her bed
and bade me to follow
as she undressed
tempting me with desire.

My body lost all will;
she showered me in lust
mind rolling,
I fell onto her bust
as she wrapped me in
luscious legs
smiling, she pulled me closer.

Giving me all I require
is her desire
making me promise
to fill her void
by becoming her little toy.

However, she was reluctant to say
she must offer me an option
before we play:
stay and be consumed
with overwhelming pleasure
or go deeper
into the nether.

“Go no further.”
she says,
“I may be deceiving,
tormenting and luscious
but compared to pride
I am your precious”.

Hi Chiefspider. I know very little about poetry, so I don't feel qualified to offer much of a critique. I did enjoy reading this though. I'll just mention a few minor problems I see.

lips of a fallen angel
seek you company, (your)

and raise your hand
just bellow my neck, (below)

you wish for more pain then love (than)

He his beyond the door of lust (He is)

I hope this helps. Best of luck!

Nad

Wow lotta typos! thanks for catching them

OK I edited in the new version hope you like it better I hated the old version lol

OK I cleaned it up a bit and edited in the new version - enjoy!

You're gonna hate me, my dear Chief. There's a lot of great gruesome imagery in this piece which I enjoyed and for that reason, I'd love to see it polished. I've given you my humble suggestions to that end:

The slick, mucky door shuts (opens would be better, a closing door wouldn't spread guts)
spreading various guts, (various is unnecessary, guts are guts, lol)
as my cautious foot
lands on her floor. (add period, this piece needs to be properly punctuated, great opening)

My eyes adjust to a (add cap to my, move to a down to the second line)
horrific view,
chained lovers
decorate the walls
never to be together. (period)
Stolen hearts hang from the ceiling (cap)
their emotions slowly peeling,
beautiful lips kiss the floors
licking clean, such dirty whores. (period, great image)

In the center is an angel (cap)
kissing the feet (perhaps a different verb for kiss, too close to the other)
of a bewitching demon
guarded by her succubi. (period)
The caged angel (repetition of angel is too close, perhaps cherub)
begins to cry. (period)

The demon glances to me and holds (Cap,The demon glances at me)
a deep entrancing stare, (in an entrancing stare, deep is already implied)
proclaiming her name as just (this I just don't get)
she bends over and shows me lust, (period)

She spoke few words, (cap, comma)
she merely smiled and gestured
for me to come forward,
so gentle she appeared to be
until she forced me
to my knee. (period)

she'll take all my troubles away (cap + quotes "I'll take all of your troubles away" must use I, she's speaking with you)
she said to me, (comma)
so long as I continue to play (as long as I continued to play)
her sick, twisted games. (sick is redundant, her twisted games is sufficient, add period)

Her slim figure (cap)
bent to meet my gaze, (comma)
she stared into my eyes
sending me into a maze. ( period, this seems forced to make the rhyme, what kind of maze?)

She slowly crept (cap)
to her love-making bed (love-making is unnecessary, to her bed would be better)
and gestured for me to follow
she starts to undressed (then she undressed)
tempting me with desire. (period)

My body lost all will: (cap, why the colon? semicolon would be better)
she showered me in lust
sending me down this dark hill, (why dark hill? it seems forced to make the rhyme)
falling onto her bust (I fell onto her bust, falling is improper tense)
she wrapped me in (as she wrapped me in)
thin, luscious legs (nix thin, luscious usually implies meaty)
smiling, she pulled me closer. (period)

Giving me all I require (cap)
is her must desire (why must here?)
making me a promise (nix a)
to fill her void
by becoming he little toy. (her not he, period)

However, she was reluctant to say (cap, comma)
she must give me an option (offer would be better than give)
before we play: (add colon)
stay and be consumed
with overwhelming pleasure
or go deeper
into the nether. (period, really nice bit here)

“Go no further.” (cap)
she says (comma)
“I may be deceiving, tormenting and luscious (break after deceiving)
but compared to pride
I am your precious” (period, I like how you echoed the end of the first piece)

I hope I haven't driven you mad or confused you. I liked this heaps and look forward to the next installment, pride should be very interesting.

Best,
Lisa

O_O well I asked for it lol, I see I need to learn to properly punctuate, and yeah a some stuff I tried to force rhyme guess it didn't work hehe. Well as usual your critiques my my pieces that much better XD, thanks for the review I'll get working on this ASAP.

OK! I edited in,yet another revise *face palms* lets hope this one sticks hehe, if not and it still needs more work - I'll make note of it and keep it on my to-do. However it is no longer on my top priority list, I have many more ideas spawning as we speak. so for the love of god please enjoy lol.

I have to say your edits have improved this piece quite a bit its much more polished now, a fun and interesting read. I have a only a single suggestion for one line (I'm sure my sleep deprivation is making me miss things left and right)

She crept to her bed
fingering me to follow -> and bade me follow
as she undressed
tempting me with desire.

I believe you mean "fingering" to be a gesture of bidding/invitation but the word more often implies pointing someone out as in "fingering the culprit" or some other connotation we could touch on since this is lust after all. In short though, I would avoid using it here. Hope that helps.
-Ian

Wonderful edit, Chief. I do agree with Ian regarding fingering, though. Please don't hate me my dear. lol.

Best,
Lisa

@ISeeBull - I see what you mean, thanks for the review and I'll be implanting that that line as a replacement

@ChestersDaughter - Oh I could never hate you lol without you my poems would never improve