Thread: florescent light

removed bt author

ah, i love a happy ending. all critical feedback welcome

wood, this outstanding! Your imagery "hits" throughout. Imagery is my thing as well but my hit usually comes in the last verse or more often the last line as a wake-up call. You are the advocate, here, hitting throughout. Now, I may be entirely wrong but my interpretation of the "florescent light" is that it's a metaphor for gun or gun fire. This may be sophomoric so you very well might have to enlighten me.

Here's why a gun comes to mind.

cold to touch, unholy

this is the same light that shot john lenin

i banish this wicked light from the universe

Now onto your very powerful imagery:

There it is
hung from the ceiling, humming its heatless mono-song
flickering some measureless rhythm
cold to touch, unholy
charging the air supply both sterile and stale

everything i read in this light
becomes a refrigerator repair manual
Income tax extension form, overdue payment notice

this is the same light that shot john lenin
caused the meltdown in chernobyl
this light was the inspiration behind
infomercials and cold war

these long white tubes are filled with
all the lies ever told, and the frozen souls
of every man fried in the electric chair

this light unshines, these wavelengths are snakes
sucking the pigments from my world
converting life to black and white frames
then repainting the spectrum in synthetic technicolor

this light must die

this moment has been foretold in the pages of
intro to human behavior (freshman psych, 101)
i banish this wicked light from the universe
with a 12lb sledge hammer

* the landlord is going to be pissed
when he sees my new ceiling fan

* These last lines are cleverly straightforward. It's the turn around.

An issue I have with your work. I think you could get your important points across more powerfully if you work on stanza stucture. I'd love to give you an example of what I would do but not everyone is game for this kind of input. So, let me know if you'd take no offense and I'd be happy to give you an outline of what I think might work better. It took me awhile to get it and I still work on perfecting it. But I think I might be able to offer something here.

An incredible poem! Laurie

Heh. Could be wrong too -- but my interpretation, is that like me, you despise florescent light -- and this is a tongue and cheek rant of sorts -- some observational humor. Those long white tubes remind me of poorly renovated basements or the DMV. I got a big kick out of it. Made me smile -- and it reads well too. Good job!

on rereading -- maybe:

the landlord will be pissed
when he sees my new ceiling fan

a little more concise than "is going to be."

Nice! Something different to read. As Laurie said, powerful imagery. And I love how you call the ending a 'happy' one.

joseph, actually i had no idea how much i disliked florescent light until i wrote this, heh. i was just doing my morning write and there it was.

candid petunia, thanks, i'm glad you liked it.

laurie, no, not sophomoric at all, i try to portray the light as a lot of things, a weapon is certainly one of them, and a gun is a very valid interpritation. i've worked quite a bit with stanza structure, but i'm always open to ideas, so by all means go ahead