Thread: Façade along the Esplanade

This is just an experimental little piece I wrote this afternoon. I don't do this explicit rhyming often, but I hope it works. Any critiques would be most appreciated. Thanks!


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Façade along the Esplanade

Interesting. I note the rhymes in lines 2, 5, and 8, and repeating of the "ah" sound... tawny, along, far, call, gone, Also, nice rhymes in plod, sod, god, esplanade.

However: according to a quick Google search, sarongs are worn mostly in Asia. And Amun-Ra is Egyptian. So it's a little inconsistent.

Hey, S.G. -- I really like how this reads and the rhyming. It works for me.

I like the imagery too, except the one bit about about the nose -- especially the dripping part. I'm not sure what you're trying to do with that.

I didn't notice the sarong thing, but I guess that makes sense.

Good work.

Creates a mysterious picture. Makes the reader want to know more about her.
Like the lines:

Close, her eyes
are blue enamel; far,
withdrawn planets in space.

and

my mind is dusk

Nice work!

Glass, this piece is beauty breathing. You’ve taken a moment in time and stretched it with colour, sultry movement (she) and impression. Now, I think this is the most charming and powerful poem you have written, shared here. It’s forthright which I believe is different from your others where you go acutely abstract. This, here, is just my personal preference. Two portraits, if you will. The beginning drew me in immediately and wondered if you could keep it going. You did, continuing with clarity and exquisiteness.　

She glides by
in a pallid sarong
with ivy green shadows –

Now, I’m nearly quoting the whole of the poem! Stasis gone. A kind of death e.g. “till it fully decays”. It fits the narrator.

I strive to move –
call her before she’s
gone, but my mind is dusk

plodding along the sod
till it fully decays.

The only problem I have is with the following stanza. It seems out of place with the picture. Frankly put, I don’t think that nose and dripping should be so closely placed. You know what I’m thinking! More refined descriptions of the nose seems to be in order.

I notice the nose
all stretched along
like dripping, sandy dough
　
And her name, Amun-Ra, is exotic yet delicate. I don't think it matters that the name is Egyptian. I wear sarongs in the summer as do other women.

The narrator and she, so clearly fleshed out in a brief poem.

Glass, I absolutely loved this piece. Laurie

　

My criticism, pulverized. Oh well!

But I think there is nothing wrong with stretched noses like dripping dough. Even if you're writing a poem, sometimes you have to stick to the actual image and not the ideal.

Trides - Thank you for the compliments! As SilverMoon said, sarongs are pretty common in the summer time, but I see the confusion.

Joe - Ah, the nose, haha. I didn't want to present a perfect image. The girl I was thinking of has a long, thin nose. I'm not really sure how else to describe that. Any ideas?

Candid - Thank you!

SM - Thank you for the great review, friend. As I said before, I'm not sure how to change the nose. Ideas?

I would start off using "Aquiline" nose. Def. by Wiki

An Aquiline nose is a human nose with a prominent bridge, giving it the appearance of being curved or slightly bent.This type of nose is primarily found among Mediterranean Whites marked by a brown complexion; long, black, lank hair;

Not quite an obviously long nose. A cross between a "very" long nose and a "slightly" pugged one. I've seen very stunning women with an aquiline nose, especially in France. But in America so many women are getting nose jobs, it's difficult to spy such an exoctic and regal nose, known for its mystery.

Just an example of re-work.

I notice her nose, aquiline.
Ever, a scultpor's dream;
making love to sandy clay.

Here is my edit. Any better?

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Façade along the Esplanade
(Torch Song)

Hi Glass, I've read this one several times now and I like your edit better than the original, like the others, I was having trouble with the image of the nose.

Heh. Much better, SG. Nice.

Add my nod for the edit, SG. The initial nose stanza was a bump for me as well. Have to agree with Laurie regarding the directness, different for you, yet as equally well executed as your usual. I enjoyed this.

Best,
Lisa

Ah, glad to know it's fixed! Thanks all for the kind words.