Thread: Friendship

Give your laugh and tears to it.
Never bury the sores of it for
they’ll fester and heart spoil.
Say that it hurts like thorns
so I can tweeze them from your core.

Let me word murder “Sorry”.
It’s a tired, nothing utterance.

Faithful love never left its pew
nor you, praying for ease.

It’s not a perfect thing,
this amenity, which leafs
through Hallmark cards.
More of a cardboard box;
love letters kept, yellowed.

Friendship is a ship sailing
when you need grounding.
I’ll not anchor you,
ever.

Never the sun will shine
on my storm words, blown.

Know I love you like the
thirsty farmer tending his crop.
Man in the dark of himself,
needing sun healing.
Or the sad girl who lends
her diary to friend-sister.

My love will never be
faded footprints on the shore.

For “Bloom”

Aww this was sweet.

Let me word murder “Sorry”.
It’s a tired, nothing utterance.
There is no wise tongue, now.

True.

Faithful love never left its pew
nor you, who prays for ease.

Loved this.

Totally loved the ending! Nice work, something different ​from you.

Thank you. Yes. Very different for me but when it comes to friendship how can one write darkly? It's the most precious thing we have.

"Friendship is a ship sailing
when you need grounding.
I’ll not anchor you, ever.
Never the sun will shine on
my storm words, blown."

This stanza alone makes the poem for me. This is very different for you. I like the fact that you are out of your comfort zone.

Thanks, Glass. Some things are so worthy that they take presidence over your comfort zone. I'm really glad you liked this stanza. It felt good to write, owning up.

Laurie,

What a pleasant surprise when I read this poem. Not like your previous writings at all. Thanks.

Yes, quite the surprise. I've stepped away from my style, offering this poem as a gift to a friend who I had a brief falling out with. My mouth, though inadvertant words. A simple poem yet very challenging for me to write. I look at it this way. When I go shopping for a gift for a friend, I never impose my taste. I think of what the person might like. This is my gift to her. And, as I had said, how on earth can you write a dark poem about friendship?

I'm pleased that you found this to be different. It is a bit of fresh air!

She's very busy right now dealing with unpleasant life matters but I hope she'll like this when she gets back to the board. I wager she will.

Hey, S.M. -- this is really nice and straightforward. It would be easy to express these feelings and slip into sentimentality -- you avoid that while still making it very accessible and well -- friendly. Good job!

Thanks so much, Joe. Since writing this poem is way out of my realm I was very concerned about it coming across as overly sentimental. What a relief to hear from you, truely! I think every poem should be on a sugar diet.

Hey Laurie!

Well, the sentiment here is clear. Really comes across in this, which is great. And I love that you're stepping out of your comfort zone, as everyone else has said. That's a wonderful thing. Wish I could do that! Ha, ha.

Some of my favorite lines:

Let me word murder “Sorry”.

Is more of a cardboard box;
love letters kept, yellowed.

Although, I'm not liking the word "is." The rest of it is good, though.

my storm words, blown.

Very nice.

But I do feel like some editing would help the piece itself. Not sure if you want to edit it because of the sentiment, but I'll give you my thoughts. Keep in mind that I don't write or read sentimental poetry generally, so I could be talking out my ass and not realize it. Haha.

Say that it hurts like prickles
so I may lotion your soul.

I found this part a bit on the awkward side. Firstly, saying that it hurts like prickles was off to me because I generally think of some that prickles, but not something that hurts like it. And "lotion your soul" was just awkward to me. Like the idea. It's really interesting, though, so I'm torn!

Let me word murder “Sorry”.
It’s a tired, nothing utterance.

Like I said, I love the first line. But I feel like the second line was already implied with the first. Like my head was already there before I read it.

Know I love you like the
farmer tending his crop.
Like the girl who lends
her diary to sister-friend.
Like the tourist needing sun healing.

I love the ideas here, but--gah!--I think I'm letting my feelings for similes get in the way. I'm not a huge fan of them. I feel like metaphors are stronger. But maybe if you just had one simile and expanded on it?

My love will never be faded footprints on the shore.

I think this line is beautiful. But I'm not sure about having it just one long line like that. Just because the rest of the lines are shorter. Visually, I think it's bothering me.

I feel like I picked a lot, but this was really lovely. Good for you for stepping out of your element!

Angel, you made some very salient points! I will certainly give the "all" some thought. I do agree with you on most every point. Will especially have to work on "prickles". I'll get to the revision as soon as I can and would like your input once again. Thank you for such a thorough review. And "Ever" is such a powerful word. I agree. It now owns its own line.

hi Laurie,

i see you made some changes since i last read this, so i have re-calibrate here on the spot.

i love your word play, great lines! i felt pulled all the way thru it, a smooth run. i didn't find it all that sentimental, some lines did, but i thought you pulled back out from them.

Know I love you like the
thirsty farmer tending his crop.

Man in the dark of himself,
needing sun healing.

Or the sad girl who lends
her diary to friend-sister.

i think i liked it better the way you had it, it felt more expansive, larger, but then these lines are new, so maybe i just need to adjust to them. anyway, i liked this, again i love the langauge (word murder, nice) enjoyable read.

wood

Thank you, wood. I did make some changes because I thought some words were overly sentimental like "soul".

This is all so new to me and I doubt I'll write another but I wrote this for a friend, here. That she reads this is all that matters. And I thank you because she deserves the best that I'm capable of giving, here. And I'm really glad you liked "word murder". My favorite.

I'm back! Ha, ha.

Give your laugh and tears to it.
Never bury the sores of it for
they’ll fester and heart spoil.
Say that it hurts like thorns so
I can tweeze them from your core.

This reads so much better to me now. Also, I forgot to point it out before, but I love the line break on the second line. The internal rhyme of "sores" and "for" is great. I love the way it sounds. But then I'm unsure about the line break at "so" on the fourth line. I think that breaks the flow for me. And I'm still not in love with the word "tweeze," although it certainly works with thorns. And I like "thorns" where it is, so... I don't know. I'm torn.

I am tempted to agree with wood, though, about breaking up the stanzas like that. This poem is about friendship. There's a very strong thread that holds friends together. I think keeping the stanzas more together would reflect that sense better.

Friendship is a ship sailing
when you need grounding.
I’ll not anchor you, ever.

I like this stanza. Actually, "ever" is my favorite word. But I would use it differently. I think I would make it its own sentence or its own line. So either:

"I'll not anchor you. Ever."

Or:

"I'll not anchor you,
ever."

Ever is such a powerful word. I feel like it needs to stand on its own one way or the other to make the impact that it's capable of.

Really enjoying this piece.

Thank you for returning to this, Angel. I needed some more of your advice with the revision. As I said, I'm so new to this. I need all the help I can get. Ha!
I tend to believe you and wood are right about how the similie stanzas being broken up takes away from a kind of closeness.

"so" is now on the last line of the first stanza. It does flow better.

Yes. Ever is ever important and now owns its own line.

Thanks, once again, for your keen observations. Laurie