Thread: Playing in the Rain

Upon my bed I lay
pondering
on what should be done today
starring at the ceiling
I try to find an answer
to this mid-morning question

whispering winds
blow through my cracked window
slowly rising
to a heavy breathing

I tilt my head to check
and see on the dirt covered glass
I see a speck
turning to an abundance

the rising skies dim to darkness
and through my window I can hear
the dreadful noise of
popping balloons in my ear

my semi-dark room
beeps every five minutes
beckoning a reluctant groan
I close my eyes and make a wish
for those dark clouds to
turn of the damn repetitive lights

refusing to acknowledge
my insignificant presence
I find some buds to stuff my ears
my mouth stretches wide
forcing a couple tears
slowly drifting
I decided on my to-do
smirking under the sheets
I do believe I'll go back to sleep

I love the subject matter of this poem-3rd stanza-wonderful-there is a melodic flow here that is -for me-perfection. Now having said that-I have a problem with the flow of the rest of this poem-the feel of this piece is of lazy contemplation -but when read ,feels just a little bit choppy and disjointed--That you are talented-there is no doubt.-and I always enjoy reading your work. Peace--Jul

hmm I see what you mean, I was trying to describe the storm as an appealing activity for the narrator but I see it lost its "lazziness" after stanza 3 I'll definitely work on it thank you for the complements and critique!

OK updated it to revised version! hope it better tells the laziness I was looking for

I didn't get the chance to read the previous version of your poem, but this definitely stands as an interesting read. Something else to this piece...it flows.

wow thanks! glad you enjoyed.

I think you want to say, lie, instead of lay. Lie is to recline, lay is something you do to something else, like lay the pen on the paper. Also, "upon," in this case, sounds a little archaic. So you could just as easily say:

I lie on my bed
pondering

Here's another example of how you might pare down:

I tilt my head
and see, on dirt-covered glass
a speck
turning to an abundance

or

I tilt my head and see
on dirt-covered glass
a speck
turning to an abundance

Also, not sure what you mean by "yawning with resent" -- that should probably be resentment.

Think about removing some articles like:

I find a humorous shape
in grooves of plaster

You don't really need "the" twice and it's a little more interesting to read.

The imagery seems a bit fuzzy here and there. I read "skies darken to a slight dim" and I'm not really seeing that.

Also in your last stanza, you make a shift to past tense, that should probably be, "I make up my mind."

Good job capturing a moment, but you might want to do a little editing and tightening. Cheers.

hmmm thank you for the critique I understand about the Lay/Lie part, was hoping to get away with it for the rhyme of today - but if it doesn't work it doesn't work and I agree about the first stanza, the unnecessary remark towards the ceiling was trying to relate to his laziness, again if it doesn't work it doesn't work XD I will definitely take in consideration of everything and hope to better it in the future - again thank you for the critique!

EDIT: edited in the new version hope it works

Nice work on editing your Poem--but I wish I had the original peace to compare it to. It seems to me that you have lost the "Playing in the rain" theme.......But I always enjoy reading your work. Peace--Jul

Indeed its no longer related to "Playing in the Rain" because when I was editing it I decided to go with a more lazy feeling and playing in the rain doesn't seem lazy wish I could change the title but the thread is stuck forever! in any case its a fun contradiction I suppose as always thanks for the compliment and critique wish I saved the old version so you could compare but I saved over it

The title is very innocent, and the content has the innocent feel of teenage disappointment. I do enjoy that. One thought though: this piece borders in places on sentimentality which, at least for me, is not very strong. Just a thought - avoid the overt and signal the feelings of the down through subtler means. For instance, your final line is great. It's a close without closure. It's simply a statement but it provides meaning and action to thought.

hmm I see your point, I'll think it over and se if I can find anything to fit it thanks for the critique as always