Thread: cycle of the moth

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oh, i forget say, this has been in my "fix me" file for some time and is open to all negative/positive feedback.

vary nice work! I love your imagery, the story had me a little confused, are you and the moth contemplating these things together or is the moth alone doing so?

hi chiefspider,

i was going to wait to get more reviews before i answered, i didn't want to influence anyones feedback, but maybe there won't be anymore feedback. so here's your answer:

i wrote this in first person, so all of the thoughts and observations belong to the narrator. i will rework this to make it more clear. thank for your input

wood

wood, I really enjoyed this poem. The imagery, figures of speech incorporated. Not one dull moment. Some thoughts came to mind which I share below:

so this moth sits on the back of my hand, examining my substance Nice alliteration and use of anthropormorphism
and the circumference of all things
human, and with or without understanding
of this or that or the other, it will drop dead living but a single day Reminds me of Cicadas living only for four weeksweeds grow in the fields below cool shades of sky I think "beneath" might sound betterwhile worms play with ideas of immortality
mortally wounded flies dangle from spider webs I love the play on words
like spider snacks in spider traps in a way that only dead flies can

the mortally wounded chevy nova sits flat against the certainty You swiftly bring in "mortality" again. Good. And swiftly leave nature. Maybe too swiftly. I had to quickly re-adjust my thinking.of dirt road, uncertain of it’s relevance
suspended in summer
wandering in thought

becky and mick are in the backseat talking, i am in the front OK. You bring me back to the Chevy Nova.stevie ray plays little wing on some distant frequency
she lights another cigarette just as he crushes one out
then opens her mind and lets her confusions flee: Descriptions: How does he open her mind. And what are her confusions?

how come the ocean is blue but rain is gray?
how come violets are blue and not violet?
why can’t violets bloom in the winter
in long cold gray of december
when i need them the most?
and what the hell are we doing
parked in the middle of nowhere? I love this entire stanza! Though, it seems almost like a poem in itself. I would not let this go! Maybe try to incorporate it somehow differently into the poem.we consider this

and suddenly hear the sound of one hand clapping I see now that you're connecting nature to the Chevy.as i slap another gnat crawling across the dashboard
(but they always escape me, those primordial memories
like buzzing swarms of mosquitoes, swarming memories of
primordial buzzing that escapes me, forever
swatting at absurdity) Great and I love "swatting at absurdity"!it all comes back to this moth, transcendental god of lost causes Good, the moth image returns. I love "transcendental god of lost causes"!
who lives but a single day, and spends it
banging against the windshield Fantastic! Very rich imagery for a wonderful ending. And I like your repeating "for a single day"

how design I need a little explanation, here. I'm missing something?

As much as I love that poem in itself I think it interfered with the whole. I still say try to fit in in somehow without breaking up flow. It's too good. A second thought. You might create a new poem employing that stanza

Thank you, wood, for another wonderful read. Laurie

cool, thank you laurie, i was strting to think this one was so bad no one wanted to touch it, lol

then opens her mind and lets her confusions flee: Descriptions: How does he open her mind. And what are her confusions?

ah, i think i see the problem, some pronoun confussion, should be "she opens her mind and..."
and the stanza below is her dialog, i didn't use quotations because i wanted it to blend in better, but that itsn't working

how design I need a little explanation, here. I'm missing something?

yeah, i don't like that line, kinda dopey. suppose to be a two word definition of the whole experience. plus its like the poem ends twice, which is also dopey and unneeded. i think i'll just cut that out.

i will end and make some changes, let me know if these are any better, and thanks again, such a great help!

wood

Hey, wood. I haven't been by poetry in a good while -- glad I posted something because it gives me good cause to read some things from new people. I really do like the imagery and the feeling that this is from memory. Reminds me of summer. Some nice references -- the Chevy Nova and Stevie Ray. (A personal favorite.) Becky's thoughts sound like weed-inspired contemplation. Is this fixed? Seems like it to me. Really nice job.

thanks joseph, im glad you liked it

" Becky's thoughts sound like weed-inspired contemplation"

yeah, that was the feel i was going for, you have a very keen eye. thanks again

Heh. Not really. I just might remember what that was like though...