Thread: The Daughter's Petition

Stand on your head, Daddy,
so I can see you frown.

Your smile hurts
when I come home
with knees torn up.

Blood and tears
before the scabbing
which you'll pick at,
leaving one more lesion.

Please, Daddy,
do upside down.

Be as nimble as
the rubber man
in a freak show
where Fat brats
stuff themselves
with popcorn,
spitting kernels
at you.

You study
weakness, on my face,
and like a keen scholar
you dig into your material.

You've made the Dean's list.
Go ahead and smile.

Do it today, Daddy,
I'm anesthetized.

Cut me open
till you find it.

My heart,
no longer
a baby nor
a child.

Do it.
Operate on me,
you drunken surgeon.

Use the sharp corners
of your mouth
to disunite me till

I’m just splinters
who no one
can love.

Code blue, code blue! Your mantra.

And that, ear to ear,
half mad moon
on your night face.

Wait.

Please, no more,
Daddy.

I have no pretty buttons
to sew up the sins
of your grins.

Wow,just wow, it was really well written, I don't really like the story its portraying (very, very sad ) but it was well made so keep up the good work!

Chief, no. Not a pretty story at all. But that it made you sad (I'm sorry) makes me pleased because I think that I might have done my job. Now, cheer up or you might force me to be inclined to write a purely "happy" poem which I'm not very good at!

hehe, well you did indeed do an outstanding job lol. no need to spoil your dark talents on sunshine or rainbows I'm perfectly cheery

You must have read my signature!

but of course

A very powerful piece. This one really got to me with the connections that I have. And so, on that level, it's really hard for me to critique this. Emotionally, you're achieving exactly what you need to, and that's pretty outstanding. You're making a connection with your readers.

And, of course, I'm drawn to the medical aspects of this piece. I loved this:

Do it.
Operate on me,
you drunken surgeon.

At this point in the poem we can visually see everything becoming fragmented with all the short stanzas. I like that. I do feel like the stanzas above the point where you first began talking about cutting should be longer. Maybe combine some lines. So everything above this:

Do it today, Daddy,
I'm anesthetized by now.

Cut me open
till you find it.

I think it might even be more interesting if there was just one stanza before this and then it all busted apart.

I have no pretty buttons
to sew up the sins
of your grins.

I love the ending. It's perfect. Captures everything. And the rhyme you snuck in is brilliant.

There are a few things that I would cut or change:

with knee, torn up.

Knee or knees? Think it reads better as "knees."

leaving yet one more lesion.

I would cut that word. I think it takes away from the assonance and the flow of that line.

with pop corn,

One word?

You've earned your 4.0 GPA

Maybe "perfect" instead? 4.0 just doesn't strike me the same way.

Otherwise, no nits at all. This is a truly powerful piece of work, Laurie. I love the image you created in the beginning. Don't we wish... Beautiful job.

Bay

I need to come back to this to give it a proper response. But I wanted to let you know that upon first reading, it is striking and powerful. I really love the transition throughout the piece as it gets darker and darker.

I will come back to this and give you a detailed response.

Bay, thank you. I always hope to connect with the readers even if my subjects are not their exact experience. And thank you for your suggestions.

Do it today, Daddy,
I'm anesthetized by now.

Cut me open
till you find it.

I think it might even be more interesting if there was just one stanza before this and then it all busted apart.

I think you might have something here and will give this some thought.

Knee or knees? Think it reads better as "knees"

Right on spot! Consider it a fix. Much more impactful.

leaving yet one more lesion. I would cut that word. I think it takes away from the assonance and the flow of that line.

I should have stayed with my instincts. I wasn't quite sure about "yet".

Don't we wish

Don't we...

Thank you for taking so much time, digging into this. Laurie

Glass, thank you so much for your attention and that you wish to give this more thought is a great compliment as I know you have a busy schedule. That you found this powerful is also a great compliment as I know you go deep.

"Stand on your head, Daddy,
so I can see you frown."

loved those first 2 lines, they started me off on the right foot, as i read i paid attention for things twisted and out of place, and you delivered. as a reader i was expecting to see a father being a good father, in essence, exactly what a daughter should expect, but she knew better. and even though i can see how she is being destroyed by his mocking and critical nature, i can also see her strength as she turns that mocking back at him (which is so well displayed in this) and finally sends her petition out "please no more". what else can she do in the face of such brutal authority.

i only noticed one flaw

"Do it today, Daddy,
I'm anesthetized by now." this line seems to break flow, and feels a little passive, perhaps cut the "by now"

Do it today, Daddy,
I am anesthetized

oh, and then one more item

"please no more" i don't know if you need a comma after "please", but a little pause right there might amplify her plead a little more... it's your call on that.

very well written, i really like what you've done here.

wood

Oh Laurie,

Another powerful poem that cuts down to the soul. The opening lines are captivating, making me want to continue this mystery.

Stand on your head, Daddy,
so I can see you frown.

As I continue reading, the more loathsome this "Daddy" description becomes:

Be as nimble as
the rubber man
in a freak show
where Fat brats
stuff themselves
with popcorn,
spitting kernels
at you.

And again:

Do it.
Operate on me,
you drunken surgeon.

Use the sharp corners
of your mouth
to disunite me till

This stanza obliterates you. Look what your "daddy" did to you. How sad.

I’m just splinters
whom no one
can love.

Very revealing of that face. I like "half mad moon"

And that ear to ear
half mad moon
on your night face.

Wonderful work. Thanks again for sharing. I know it took a lot for you to do so.

Cindy

Thank you so much, Wood. I made changes per your suggestion, pronto. Very astute, making the poem read smoother.

his mocking and critical nature

I dare not go deeper but the father was downright sadistic. If I went more explicit I fear the reader might have a nervous breakdown! But at least I got your observation across.

I'm glad you saw the father as being benign in the beginning as I wanted to bring the reader into a decent into the very sad relationship.

And you're correct. All she can do is plead. All that a young child can do in the face of a sadistic parent. The poem is really just about her thoughts, hopefully leaving the reader wonder what her real defense mechanism is all about.

I'm really pleased that you like what I've done with this and thank you, again. Laurie

I particularly liked the opening and closing stanzas. Powerful writing.