Thread: Reading in The Library

First off, I want to say the reason for the name is because this poem is about me...when I read a book in the library, very boring. But! enjoy this short piece, critique if you must, and read carefully...words are dangerous O_o
EDIT: OK I revised the poem and changed the title enjoy!

Falling asleep

Eyes pulsing
ocular impediment
forcing a conclusion
rippled vision
smothering your brain
with thoughts of departure
to a long awaited vacation

sigh

at long last
curtains have fallen
covering my eyes

I see sheep running me by
one,two,three...
off to sleep

conjuring dreams
of newly read stories
causing the collapse
of a queer synapse

my mind dances to the beat
of this beautiful biorhythm
with my temporal as the floor
my dance partner
a caffeine induced-fit model

I can only imagine
what goes on in this
perfectly delirious
on-going dream

I liked this, Chief, it's adorable. Words are only dangerous when they're boring, lol. S2 reads a bit awkwardly as is. Fallen would be better than fell, and I would nix the the before curtains. I'm not sure onto is the right word here, technically, it might be correct, but I paused to think about it. In a piece so short unwanted pauses are that much more obvious. I'd say switch it for something, over perhaps, but I don't really like that either. It's worth considering a switch, though. I enjoyed this fun tidbit.

Best,
Lisa

thanks for the feedback ! I'm glad you enjoyed it, I'll take out that the, and I do not want any pauses hehe so I'll switch that up as well XD thanks again

I believe that you should add to this. Also: very not vary

oops, thank you , hmm I'll see I can add to it - I'll let ya know !

OK revision is up and I went ahead and changed the title, it no longer fits the poem (don't worry I have an idea for another "Reading in The Library") enjoy!

Love the title change-stanza 6-very clever.

thanks glad you liked it !