Thread: Wishing for a Track

Hello, I'm fairly new to poetry. I really favor honest harsh criticism as long as it shows me where I went wrong. As I grow as a writer I will obviously contribute back to the community in thanks for the support.

Thanks in advance.

EDIT: I am stupid and did not see the poetry guidelines sticky. I apologize for my title.


First draft here, final below

Wishing For a Track

You were always there
Older than me
But I was the wiser
Because of you

As I grew
You shared your secrets
And I shared mine

And as your growth slowed down
So did your focus
But it was a study
I couldn’t yet see.

So you waited patiently until
You and I became
We
And We pondered what it meant
To be
Us

We thought we were pawns,
Moving forward to the wishes
Of some omnipotent being-
Neither friend nor foe

We thought we had the foresight
To see that which we were given-
A world on a train track
Where all we could do was move
Forward

We saw too, as in Chess
That other pawns might block our way
And if we worked hard enough
We could change our track and continue
Forward

We thought that if we obeyed
And fought and sought for
Opportunity
We would find a throne
At the end of the track
And sit next to
The Omnipotent
So we moved
Forward

But we were wrong
As we now know
We aren’t pawns
We aren’t on a track
We aren’t moving forward
We aren’t moving

We are little Go stones
Unmoving, unwavering, unconscious
Little beings planted by
The whims of the omnipotent,
With no way out

We are forgotten, until-
They find use for us again,
But we are only useful because
We can’t move,
Not even
Forward

But worse!
It who placed us
Is incompetent, apathetic, and neither relatable or reliable
It will let us be surrounded, covered in a shroud
By a world that we can’t truly understand
And it will suffocate us
As we grasp for it

But don’t worry
My brother
Because there never was
A Me
Or You
Or We


Final draft:

Wishing For a Track

You were always there,
older than me,
but I was the wiser
because of you.

As I grew,
You shared your secrets;
I shared mine.

As your growth slowed
so did your focus,
but it was a study
I couldn’t yet see.

So You waited patiently until
You and I
became We,
and We pondered what it meant
to be Us.

We thought we were pawns,
moving forward to the wishes
of some omnipotent being –
neither friend nor foe.

We thought We had the foresight
to see that which We were given –
a world on a train track
where all We could do was move forward,
one block at a time.

We saw that other pawns
might block our way
and, if we worked hard enough,
We could change our track and continue forward,
one block at a time.

We thought that if we obeyed
and sought and fought for
opportunity,
We would find a throne
at the end of the track
and sit next to
the omnipotent.
So we moved forward,
one block at a time.

But we were wrong.
As We know now:
We aren’t pawns,
We aren’t on a track,
We aren’t moving.

We are little Go stones:
unmoving, unwavering, unconscious;
little beings planted
by the whims of the omnipotent,
with no way out.

We are forgotten – looked over, until –
the omnipotent
find use for us again.
Because, We can’t move.

But worse!
It who placed Us is:
neither relatable or reliable.
It will let Us be covered in a black shroud,
by a world We can’t understand,
and it will suffocate Us
as We grasp for it.

But don’t worry,
my brother,
because there never was:
a Me, or You, or We.

-LilliputianAllusion (love this name) I'm just going to bring up a few things that perhaps you would like to take note of, first off not every line needs to start in caps it can be visually distracting and kills the value of capitalizing certain words for emphasis. You also have We/we and Omnipotent/omnipotent, the only reason I can think of to spell these both ways is to indicate a taking away of power? As I began to write poetry one of the first things I had to realize is how ugly the word "and" can be. You haven't gone overboard with and here but I think finding ways around it could be helpful anyway, for example ...

As I grew
You shared your secrets,
And I shared mine.

And As your growth slowed, down
So did your focus
But it was a study
I couldn’t yet see.

We thought that if we obeyed,
And fought and sought for -> I would put sought before fought
Opportunity
We would find a throne
At the end of the track
And sit next to -> where we would find?
The Omnipotent
So we moved
Forward

You used alot of images and metaphors here but be careful not to overindulge these, chess, train tracks, growing plants, (trees?) and the royal omnipotent being, these are alot of images to manage, perhaps focus more on one or two and really develop those. I would love to see the poem mirror a winding train track or a convoluted game of chess but in bringing them together you may have sacrificed a bit of both. Your first four stanzas are the strongest in my opinion because here you are managing only one image you've created nice internal rhymes and have alot of good word pairings in these stanzas eg: study~see, patiently~ponder, shared~secrets, slowed~growth. I hope that you find this helpful and that this hasn't been too rude an introduction good luck and keep writing.
-Ian

Thank you for your reply; I really appreciate it.

Microsoft Word automatically capitalized the first letter in every line. I didn't really think about it. I will change it though, thanks.

The overuse of "and" is my fault. I will fix this. Thanks for your suggestions.

Really the only metaphors in the poem are a comparison between chess and the board game "Go" where the pieces are placed one by one and do not move.

You have two people who are growing up together and as they emerge into their early adulthood, they realize how cold the world is. Everything is controlled by an oligarchy of the rich, and people spend their entire lives being consumers - sheep really. But they figure if they continue down the path set up by the oligarchy, their lives will actually mean something. As in chess, you are a pawn and when you reach the end of the board, you can become a queen or another improved piece.

Unfortunately, the two realize that this isn't chess. There is no moving forward. This is Go. And you really have to understand more about the game of Go to "appreciate" the rest. Essentially, they are stuck where they are born and the only way to become stronger is to connect with others. As the two already are. And they have slowly been surrounded (how you capture pieces in Go) by the enemy which they didn't understand. Their entire lives they were trying to understand the enemy by trying to connect to them, but they couldn't and the more the enemy surrounded them, the harder they grasped to understand until they suffocated. (Captured - essentially dead.) That part requires a basic understanding of the game Go, which I already said.

In Go, once a game ends, captured pieces are fitted into your opponents territory to reduce the points your opponent gets. The two don't have to worry, because once the game ends they will be reunited with a world they can understand and become part of the whole, but when that finally happens, the world is over anyways. Hence, wishing for tracks.

Does that make sense?

And, how can I help express those ideas better?

Thank you again for your time.

I agree with ISeeBull. Remember, a big part of poetry is economization. Say only what needs to be said. Use imagery more than exposition. Don't overexpose the reader.

Also, remember your grammar. Break rules only when it's for a purpose.

That said, this is a very strong poem, especially for a beginner. You do a great job of setting forth emotion with your language. Keep working, and you will go nowhere but up.

My thoughts and edits:

Originally Posted by LilliputianAllusion

Wishing For a Track

You were always there -
Older than me -
But I was the wiser
Because of you. I like the very circular motion of this stanza. Good lead.

As I grew,
You shared your secrets
And I shared mine.

And as your growth slowed down
So did your focus,
But it was a study
I couldn’t yet see.

So you waited patiently until
You and I became I would not have the line enjambed here. I see that you want to emphasize the "we" by giving it its own line, but I think bringing the "became" down would not hurt the line.
We,
And We pondered what it meant
To be
Us. For me, this is a bit sentimental. Not the content, but the overt "us." I would bring it up a line just to tone down the attention. The reader should realize what you're doing without the extra emphasis because the movement from "we" to "us" is so close together.

We thought we were pawns,
Moving forward to the wishes
Of some omnipotent being-
Neither friend nor foe;

We thought we had the foresight
To see that which we were given-
A world on a train track
Where all we could do was move
Forward Same here as the line a few stanzas up that I commented on.

We saw too, as in Chess
That other pawns might block our way
And, if we worked hard enough,
We could change our track and continue
Forward. Same as above. I feel you are over emphasizing for sake of effect. The reader will see the repetition and that is emphasis enough.

We thought that if we obeyed
And fought and sought for
Opportunity,
We would find a throne
At the end of the track
And sit next to
The Omnipotent
So we moved
Forward. Same as above.

But we were wrong.
As we now know: I would switch this to "know now". "Now know" is a little confusing syntax.
We aren’t pawns,
We aren’t on a track
We aren’t moving forward;
We aren’t moving.

We are little Go stones:
Unmoving, unwavering, unconscious;
Little beings planted by I would move "by" down a line to help with the rhythm.
The whims of the omnipotent,
With no way out.

We are forgotten, until-
They find use for us again, They? So far there is only "the omnipotent." Singular.
But we are only useful because
We can’t move,
Not even
Forward. Again...

But worse!
It who placed us
Is incompetent, apathetic, and neither relatable or reliable.
It will let us be surrounded, covered in a shroud,
By a world that we can’t truly understand,
And it will suffocate us
As we grasp for it.

But don’t worry,
My brother,
Because there never was
A Me,
Or You,
Or We. Again, I think one line for these last three subjects. The repetition of the words will add emphasis enough.

Squalid Glass, thank you for the reply. I took into consideration what both of you have said and produced a new draft:

But I have some concerns below it.

Wishing For a Track

You were always there –
older than me –
but I was the wiser
because of you.

As I grew,
You shared your secrets;
I shared mine.

As your growth slowed
so did your focus,
but it was a study
I couldn’t yet see.

So You waited patiently until
You and I
became We,
And We pondered what it meant
To be Us.

We thought we were pawns,
moving forward to the wishes
of some omnipotent being –
neither friend nor foe;

We thought We had the foresight
to see that which We were given –
a world on a train track
where all We could do was move forward.

We saw that other pawns
might block our way
and, if we worked hard enough,
We could change our track and continue forward.

We thought that if we obeyed
and sought and fought for
opportunity,
We would find a throne
at the end of the track
and sit next to
the omnipotent.
So we moved forward.

But we were wrong.
As We know now:
We aren’t pawns,
We aren’t on a track
moving forward;
We aren’t moving.
We are little Go stones:
unmoving, unwavering, unconscious;
little beings planted
by the whims of the omnipotent,
with no way out.

We are forgotten, until –
the omnipotent
find use for us again.
We are only useful because
We can’t move,
not even forward.

But worse!
It who placed Us is:
incompetent, apathetic, and neither relatable or reliable.
It will let Us be surrounded, covered in a shroud,
by a world We can’t truly understand,
and it will suffocate Us
As we grasp for it.

But don’t worry,
my brother,
because there never was:
a Me, or You, or We.


My concerns: I completely agree with what you mentioned about economy. Except I was stupidly only focused on ideas and not words. I want every stanza to really mean something. If one was taken out, the poem wouldn't be the same.

For example: The first stanza is referring to the board game Go. "I" was placed beside "You" and because we connected I became wiser. It also, non metaphorically refers to a relationship between two close people. Is this strong enough? Is it clear enough?

And the rest of the stanzas have similar ideas, some more straightforward than others.

What do you all think about how I expressed my ideas? How could I improve.

Thanks again.

Cutting information that we think is essential is a difficult part of the process but necessary. Remember, say only what needs to be said. Use more imagery than exposition.

Here are my suggestions on how to trim this. Please take these as my suggestions. You are the poet and your opinion on this is what matters. These changes are just what appeal to my ear.

Originally Posted by LilliputianAllusion

Wishing For a Track

You were always there –
older than me – I was thinking about the dashes I suggested, and I think commas might be better.
but I was the wiser
because of you.

As I grew,
You shared your secrets;
I shared mine.

As your growth slowed
so did your focus,
but it was a study
I couldn’t yet see.

So You waited patiently until
You and I
became We,
And We pondered what it meant
To be Us. Honestly, I think these two stanzas can go. They are implied.

We thought we were pawns, Okay. I think you do really need to focus on one image here. The pawns and track are confusing. Comparing yourselves to trains would make more sense and make the metaphor easier to follow. It's more logical, and I think the train track image is stronger than the pawn image.
moving forward to the wishes
of some omnipotent being –
neither friend nor foe;

We thought We had the foresight
to see that which We were given –
a world on a train track
where all We could do was move forward. Is this line necessary? Don't traditional trains only move forward?

We saw that other pawns
might block our way
and, if we worked hard enough,
We could change our track and continue forward.

We thought that if we obeyed
and sought and fought for
opportunity, From the beginning of the last stanza to here is all exposition. It isn't needed.
We would find a throne
at the end of the track
and sit next to
the omnipotent.
So we moved forward.

But we were wrong.
As We know now:
We aren’t pawns,
We aren’t on a track
moving forward;
We aren’t moving.
We are little Go stones:
unmoving, unwavering, unconscious;
little beings planted
by the whims of the omnipotent, This is a very nice stanza with strong images.
with no way out.

We are forgotten, until – No need for the dash.
the omnipotent
find use for us again.
We are only useful because
We can’t move,
not even forward. I think this stanza could be cut as well, to be honest.

But worse!
It who placed Us is: Colon not needed.
incompetent, apathetic, and neither relatable or reliable. I think the strongest adjective here is "neither relatable or reliable."
It will let Us be surrounded, covered in a shroud,
by a world We can’t truly understand,
and it will suffocate Us
As we grasp for it.

But don’t worry,
my brother,
because there never was: Colon not needed.
a Me, or a You, or a We.

Take a look at how much shorter the poem reads with these changes:

You were always there,
older than me,
but I was the wiser
because of you.

As I grew,
You shared your secrets;
I shared mine.

We thought We had the foresight
to see that which We were given –
a world on a train track

We thought
We would find a throne
at the end of the track
and sit next to
the omnipotent.
So we moved forward.

But we were wrong.
We aren’t on a track
moving forward;
We aren’t moving.
We are little Go stones:
unmoving, unwavering, unconscious;
little beings planted
by the whims of the omnipotent.

But worse!
It who placed Us is neither relatable
or reliable.
It will let Us be
covered in a shroud,
by a world We can’t understand,
it will suffocate Us
As we grasp for it.

But don’t worry,
my brother,
because there never was
a Me, or a You, or a We.



I think there can be some words added in between the last two stanzas to tie them together, if you go this route. But again, these are only the suggestions of an observer. It is your poem and you must keep in what you believe to be necessary. Never let anyone tell you differently.

I really like most of your cuts, but the pawn part is a necessity to me. I'll think of a way to include the idea of tracks without strong connotations of trains. Thanks again. You've been amazing.

Maybe change the tracks to a chess board or something. Make the metaphor strong and logical.

I made a few changes, hopefully clearing out the unnecessary and strengthening the important ideas. The "track" idea is important. I don't see why I couldn't have both a chess metaphor and a track metaphor in one. A pawn moves in a straight line, like a track. Hopefully the changes I added clear this up.

The two stanzas you thought should be cut, I cut initially but I realized I wanted them back. I wondered why they didn't communicate the idea well, so I add a few words and took out the unnecessary.

I also added a few things to make the "Go" connection stronger. This is what I am considering the final draft for now. I'm tired of this poem.

Wishing For a Track

You were always there,
older than me,
but I was the wiser
because of you.

As I grew,
You shared your secrets;
I shared mine.

As your growth slowed
so did your focus,
but it was a study
I couldn’t yet see.

So You waited patiently until
You and I
became We,
and We pondered what it meant
to be Us.

We thought we were pawns,
moving forward to the wishes
of some omnipotent being –
neither friend nor foe.

We thought We had the foresight
to see that which We were given –
a world on a train track
where all We could do was move forward,
one block at a time.

We saw that other pawns
might block our way
and, if we worked hard enough,
We could change our track and continue forward,
one block at a time.

We thought that if we obeyed
and sought and fought for
opportunity,
We would find a throne
at the end of the track
and sit next to
the omnipotent.
So we moved forward,
one block at a time.

But we were wrong.
As We know now:
We aren’t pawns,
We aren’t on a track,
We aren’t moving.

We are little Go stones:
unmoving, unwavering, unconscious;
little beings planted
by the whims of the omnipotent,
with no way out.

We are forgotten – looked over, until –
the omnipotent
find use for us again.
Because, We can’t move.

But worse!
It who placed Us is:
neither relatable or reliable.
It will let Us be covered in a black shroud,
by a world We can’t understand,
and it will suffocate Us
as We grasp for it.

But don’t worry,
my brother,
because there never was:
a Me, or a You, or a We.