Thread: jalopy dreams of a mothership

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this is a work in progress... so hack it up! thanks

I can't use the F word here, but if I could I would say "That was f'in brilliant."

Incredible, I probably love it because its very close to something I would write in tone and prose. I loved every line, it makes you want to go out and live.

I'm having trouble looking at this objectively or finding fault. I think sometimes the artistry isn't in the method. It makes me think of Kerouac in that if there are any faults in construction they can be forgiven in light of its vibrancy.

WHEEEEEWW!!!! Such CHAOS -with out reducing me to confusion!--Glass Pencil said it all-and so brilliantly-That I have nothing left to say........Peace-Jul

Will come back to this when I have more time to give you a thorough review, but will say two things now:

1. I love the idea of this.
2. The "bless'd" got on my nerves to the point where I actuallly started skipping those lines. With that said, this poem could stand to be edited down. A lot. You could really have something here. But as it stands, it's excessive.

I thought that this was marvelous piece of writing - of a realm I could never write about myself, but you use so many delightful phrases and make the urban setting fascinating -

The piece is dense with great lines, too many to quote, but these may be my favorite:

"bless’d are the jalopies, the proud pilots of jalopies
the mechanics of jalopies, the philosophers of practical jalopyism"

"every word a bruise" is great too

This has a near liturgical feel too, though the subject matter is not - which is part of the magic here.

As far as the number of "bless'd"s, they didn't bother me so much - but you could limit it a bit, maybe once per stanza, and figuring out a way to tag on multiple descriptions instead of saying it over and over, or vary it some by putting ", bless'd are they." at the end of a line here and there, instead of "bless'd are..." always at the beginning -

Truly a very delightful read - I look forward to more of your posts - hopefully there are more colors on your palate.

---todd

thanks everyone, glad you enjoyed this, and thanks for all the great insight, gave me lots to consider.

angel101, i look forward to your critique

thanks again

The heart and soul of this piece is wonderful wood. As the others have said there are many great lines in this. I do happen to agree with Angel though, the repeats are just a bit too much. Always a danger when you use repeats, especially in such a long piece where it is used often. However, that may simply be my personal opinion, not everyone will feel that way.

A hearty welcome, Wood. I loved this, it just rolls off the tongue. I'm like a pig in...well, you know. You know your way around sound, that's for sure. The repetition did not bother me, nor did the length, it was too absorbing to feel long. There are a couple of nits, but I am pressed for time at the moment. I shall return with a more in depth. I truly look forward to your future offerings.

Best,
Lisa

Okay, I'm back. I must reiterate, I love this piece, it's simply grand. Onto possible nits. Here I get lost:

bless’d is the professionalism of a skilled thief
who can jimmy a lock without breaking it, or smashing awindow (needs a space after a)
or pressing a knife into a throat

I'm fine up until breaking it, what follows is confusing, I think removing "ing" from both smash and press would remedy that.

bless’d are the billboards reminded us to buy milk (need that or which before reminded)

thru coffee stained windows, argued and debated, praised or persecuted
profound or profane (I absolutely adore this except for thru, made me cringe, through would be better)

i shall not fear (I think the lowercase i might be intentional)

So there are my silly little nits, forgive my anal obsession with tiny details. Can't say how much I enjoyed this enough times. I'd line cites, but I'd end up citing the entire pieces, just about every line is spectacular. Really, love, it's superb. I am elated you've joined us.

Best,
Lisa

wood, sorry so late to join the party. Like lisa, I don't feel that the repetition of b'lessed takes away from this poem of yours, ladden with caustic wit clothed in such brilliant images and startling examples of ongoings in this world. Such a "rich" poem. Just one adjective which does not really do your piece justice. But this is what comes to mind, first. Like "dark" (being my thing) and apealing to those who have a sweet tooth for a new and captivating "voice"

I'm one for use of the quote box but since yours is a lengthly poem I will have to limit myself to my utmost favorites:

bless’d are the mom and pop shops, orphans of the industrial apocalypse
forgotten in the aftermath of bizarre bubble-math

"orphans" I like your use of the anthropormorhism, here. The wonderful play on words which reminds me of my behind the scenes mentor's style (he created nearly a new genre of writing). The highlighted.

the philosophers of practical jalopyism

I had to smile. A neologism which I would love to see in the dictionary!

my graffiti poems glow in the dark
adhesive nightlights, loose power lines frayed and sparking
words painted in the my graffiti poems glow in the dark
adhesive nightlights, loose power lines frayed and sparking
words painted in the color of fire and blood, knowable only to those
who speak the language of drums, fists, heartbeats

I belive the highlighted could stand on its own without "b'lessed are the grafitti artists". I think a bit redundant as you already mention "graffiti poems"

for they shall inherit these walls

Now, I think this is the perfect ending following the above highlighted on its own line.

My only two nits. Sorry I could not abide by your request to "chop it up." No cleaver in my hand for this one!

Bless us with more. Laurie

wow, thanks everyone. sorry i haven't stopped by till now... got caught up in a mess.

thanks gumby, that makes 2 votes against, i will have to think on that.

chesterdaughter and silvermoon, thank you so much, i made a list of your points and will start working things out. i just had one question:

"i shall not fear (I think the lowercase i might be intentional)" i wasn't sure if that was a nit or just a statement. i always use lowercase.

thanks again everyone, very helpful... and i'm glad to be here!

wood

Okay. Now I have returned! (Finally)

As I've told you, I aboslutely love the idea of this poem. Kudos for it, really. It's excellent. But yes, the repetition. Clearly, it hasn't bothered everyone, so this is probably just a personal taste thing. But I honestly feel the poem would stand better and be more effective without so much of it. And I do have a "because" (haha). Because when you say something a million times it loses its impact.

For example, I often have to remind my significant other to do things. I remind him over and over. When I do this, his response is to tune me out. And that's true even if someone is telling you something you like. Like "I love you." If someone said that a hundred times in one conversation, the natural response is going to be: That's great... Enough already.

And because I like the idea of this poem so much, I hate that one of the best parts of it isn't making the impact that it could make. And while others like it the way it is, perhaps you should experiment. Cut down on it and then see what people think. You might get even better responses. Or maybe I'm totally wrong and you can shut me up. Ha, ha.

The length was also an issue for me. Again, not for everyone. But I suppose for me the issue was that while each idea was different, the purpose (to me) read the same. Eventually, it started to feel like a list. I feel like if you cut it down, you could eliminate that feeling. Or maybe taking out some of the "bless'd" will do that. It's your art. Do with it what you will. These are just my humble suggestions.

Now that I've said what I didn't like, I can say what I liked! I like that this poem was lacking in capitalization and in ending punctuation. Actually, that was my favorite part of it. Crazy for me, because I'm a huge grammar-nazi (and nobody knows, shhhh!). But it really added to the concept of this poem and to the attitude and tone. And to the idea of graffiti.

And I loved this line:

even though i walk in the shadow of a 73 story corporate headquarters

Good stuff!

thank you angel, i will keep all of that in mind as i work on this, thanks again!

wood

Lowercase I is a personal peeve, I had noticed that you refrain from using caps across the board, therefore, it is both a nit and a statement. lol.