Thread: Snowflake in the Midst of May

Like a snowflake in the midst of May,
your beauty strikes a picture of perfect contrast
with a world that’s filled with desperate hate.
Your eyes are alive with desire’s gaze,
yet body steadfast in gentle grace.

In a fragile moment’s allowance of time,
while close to my heart,
I can smell the fragrance of your love
and feel the soft touch
of your cheek against my lips.

Pressed close to me,
for just a moment we’re free,
and I can stare into your honey/green eyes.
For now we can forget
all of hatred’s cold lies
until the second passes
and we’re swallowed by time.

I like the sweetness of the message. I think its a rather universal one that most people can relate to; an instance of fleeting perfection in love.

However I found the construction and word choice to be a bit jarring at times. The language didn't flow nearly as seemlessly as the idea.

hmmm.... What parts did you find to be jarring?

"yet body steadfast in gentle grace" really sticks out to me. The majority of the poem has no discernible rhythm to it and yet feels like it should.

Your usage of the word "allowance" in the second stanza seems gratuitous. It doesn't feel like that line needed it.

The addition of "and I can..." in the third line of the third stanza throws off the flow of it. I think your third stanza came closest to a sense of rhythmic cohesion however.

In general it feels like you used too many words when fewer were warranted, but that's probably just a personal prejudice. Hopefully you can get some contrasting reviews from other readers to round out the impression this poem leaves on a good cross section of tastes.

I agree with glass pencil about how certain words|sections can break up the flow of this piece. Perhaps if you simply strike out problem areas you could improve this piece, if I may ...

Like a snowflake in May, Midst often reads as among or physically in the middle of, although it can also apply to temporal things I don't like it here
your beauty strikes a perfect contrast The real thing is more powerful than a picture
with a world that’s filled with hate. You dont mention the hate elsewhere why is it desperate?
Your eyes alive with desire’s gaze, (removed are)
your body steadfast in gentle grace. I think ¨your¨ would be less problematic for the reader

In a fragile moment, (simplified the complex image)
while close to my heart,
I smell the fragrance of your love (removed can)
and feel the soft touch
of your cheek against my lips.

Pressed close to me,
for a moment we’re free, (I sacrificed just for meter since this is a sort of rhyming couplet)
as I stare into your honey-green eyes. (removed and I can)
For now we forget (removed can)
all of hatred’s cold lies
until the second passes
and we’re swallowed by time.

Another thing you should be aware of is what associations you create and try to respect them throughout the piece. In the first few lines there is a positive association with a snowflake (something cold), then towards the end of the poem you describe hatred's lies as cold so this breaks up the tactile association you had set up, perhaps this wouldn't bother anyone else (it is only a minor thing) but it stood out to me. Hope you find this helpful and good luck
-Ian

Thanks guy. Ian- I appreciate your thorough critique, and I agree with you on a couple of things like L4, and the 'cold' controversy. Does no one else prefer the complexity though? It may just be me, and it may be opposing taste. I suppose that if all else fails, I shall have to do an experiment and offer differently constructed pieces to the ultimate authority on my love poetry... That might be pretty interesting actually. I shall have to try that and keep everyone here posted on the process.