Thread: Pteronarcophobic

Based off of a real experience... an experience I'm having right now.

I hear you buzz
behind those golden curtains that are half see-through
I hear you.
And I get up.
Armed with a plastic swatter,
I roam the room, like a hunter
Apt and ready to kill.
Then I hear you buzz again.
Static! Thunder!
At the other end of the room this time!
Zzzt! Zzzt!
You are there,
somewhere,
feasting on the leaves
of my dear,
baby,
avocado seedlings.
Equipped with everlasting enmity,
I gaze upon those golden curtains,
and wait for you
to surface.

I really enjoyed this one, lots of fun - well written too

Just a few things (and you say oh no : ) - but really, take it or leave it)

Originally Posted by Trides

Based off of a real experience... an experience I'm having right now.

I hear you buzz
behind those golden curtains that are half see-through consider "...those golden see-through curtains"
I hear you. delete the period, maybe
And I get up.
Armed with a plastic swatter,
I roam the room, like a hunter great metaphor, no need for further descriptors
Apt and ready to kill. great again
Then I hear you buzz again.
Static! Thunder! unusual, and it works
At the other end of the room this time!
Zzzt! Zzzt! nice onamonapeia (that's a hard one to spell, had to look it up)
You are there,
somewhere,
feasting on the leaves
of my dear,
baby,
avocado seedlings. love that surprising detail
Equipped with everlasting enmity, great hyperbole
I gaze upon those golden curtains,
and wait for you
to surface. consider "to appear."

I will say it again, I really liked this one -

---todd

Mehehe. Thanks toddm. Oh, and are you sure you looked it up? Because it's "onomatopoeia."

I hear you buzz
behind those golden curtains that are half see-through consider "...those golden see-through curtains" Ah, but then it wouldn't rhyme! But I will edit that line.
I hear you. delete the period, maybe ... maybe.

And I do prefer "surface" over "appear"... it also seems to me as if "surface" also applies to a reader "surfacing" or "emerging" from the poem...
"Take it or leave it" -- well, I think I'm going to leave it, for the most part--but thank you for looking it over!

Slightly new and slightly improved.

I hear you buzz
behind those golden curtains, half see-through
I hear you.
And I get up.
Armed with a plastic swatter,
I roam the room, like a hunter
Apt and ready to kill.
Then I hear you buzz again.
Static! Thunder!
At the other end of the room this time!
Zzzt! Zzzt!
You are there,
somewhere,
feasting on the leaves
of my dear,
baby,
avocado seedlings.
Equipped with everlasting enmity,
I gaze upon those golden curtains,
and wait for you
to surface.

The is a cute little piece. But I agree with Todd about the "Half see-through" thing. Even in the edit, it's not really working for me. Maybe try something "transluscent" instead?

Armed with a plastic swatter,
I roam the room, like a hunter

I would change that second like to "like a hunter, I roam the room." May just be me, but I think it flows better.

Otherwise, I didn't really have any complaints. Like I said, really cute. Thanks for sharing.

~Bay

[QUOTE=Trides;1439453]Mehehe. Thanks toddm. Oh, and are you sure you looked it up? Because it's "onomatopoeia."[QUOTE]

That will be the last time I trust the first thing that pops up - wiki answers led me wrong:
Answers.com - What is onamonapeia

: )
---todd