Thread: Smashing Clocks

The ticking clock
The falling tears
The shouting trapped
Inside your ears
Fists are pounding silently
Blaring sounds of agony
Turn to whisper in her ear
And shudder soft in sudden fear
Blank and lonely, white and sparse
The love was lost from the start

Black and white memories
The color’s gone from pale, white cheeks
I just want to stop time
And make the clocks stand still
Stop tears
Leave them hanging in the air
The agony it blares
And the pouring blood runs deep
I want you right here next to me
And my promise I will keep
But I can’t make the clocks stand still
I can not stop the pain and grief

The shouting gone
The moment still
You’re in my arms
And I’ll hold you here
I can’t stop hate
I can’t stop pain
But I’ll hold you here inside my arms
As world around falls apart

I really like this - the "gimmick" (all good writing has one or more : ) is great: smashing a clock to stop time from progressing
here are some humble suggestions to consider:

Originally Posted by Isaiah Lake

The ticking clock
The falling tears
The shouting trapped
Inside your ears nice opening
Fists are pounding silently
Blaring sounds of agony
Turn to whisper in her ear
And shudder soft in sudden fear I like this line, shudder and sudden
Blank and lonely, white and sparse
The love was lost from the start "start and sparse" don't rhyme as nicely as the preceding lines, maybe make the "sparse" line end with "heart" somehow

Black and white are my memories
The color is gone from pale, white cheeks if cheeks are pale, they are white, and vice versa - maybe use a different adjective for one of those words, or make it something like "bone-white cheeks", or "moon-white cheeks"
I just want to stop time saying "I just..." weakens this - maybe say something powerful, like "I yearn to stop time", or "I've been yearning to stop time"
And make the clocks stand still I thought it was the other way around, make the clocks stand still to stop time, consider flipping these two lines around somehow
Stop tears "Stop these tears"
Leave them hanging in the air
The agony it blares "The agonies blare" ("blare" rhymes better with "air", plus the plural is a bit more unusual ("...agony it..." seems a bit colloquial)
And the pouring blood runs deep.
I want you right here next to me
And my promise I will keep
But I can’t make the clocks stand still you use "can't" in this line, and "can not" in the next - stick with one or the other
I can not stop the pain and grief it seems like you need one more line here, perhaps to rhyme with "grief"

The shouting is gone
The moment is still
You're in my arms
And I'll hold you here
I can’t stop hate
I can’t stop pain
But I’ll hold you here inside my arms consider something like "But I'll press you close to my heart" (you already said "I'll hold you here" a few line ago, and heart and apart are more solid rhymes to end with - "hold you here inside my arms" is so-so, and sounds (forgive me) too much like a power ballad from the 80's. : )
As our world around us falls apart (great end)

I do really like the overall message you get across in these verses, and there is a great deal of genuine passion in them
---todd

I agree with Todd's suggestions.

I found this piece interesting in theme. And I feel like this piece is coming from a very real, relatable place. I like that. I think the problem I'm really having here is how direct it is. Now, this is really a matter of personal taste. I do enjoy directness in a poem, but I always prefer to have a mix of imagery as well. And that's where I felt this piece was really lacking. The idea of "smashing clocks" is cool and you could do a lot with it. But I didn't feel like the piece was living up to the potential of the idea. Hope that makes sense to you. And like I said, it may just be me and my preference, but I'd like to see this poem grow.

But I think this piece had flow. Sort of rolls off the tongue, which is always nice. Only line I had a problem with there was:

The color’s gone from pale, white cheeks

I did like the lack of punctuation, though. A period is a stop, but time never stops. Nice. Keep writing.

I scratched this down to flow more as a song, but recently I felt like it should grow. Thanks for all the critique. I really appreciate it. When I get the chance, I'll work with it more. Maybe tomorrow I'll post more. I really like your suggestions. Thanks Todd/Angel. Angel, do you have a name or do you like to remain anonymous?

~Isaiah

Yeah, I have a name. Pretty sure everyone does. Ha, ha. It's Bayleigh. Looking forward to your revision.