Thread: Humanization

Humanization


Solar panels are pure good.
Cigarettes are pure evil.
The cycles of life:
you try to convert your inner cigs into panels.
A long time ago
I bought peppermint seeds and left them at your house.
Now I can't plant them in my sunless apartment.
Love is a name given to a joyful madness:
the joy of a foolish child
and the madness of a rogue, a lunatic.
An arbitrary feeling that makes no money; it must be another evil.
Lump it together with cigarettes and alcohol.
The sun rises in the east every day
and that’s what makes crops grow.
The factories keep pumping
and that’s what makes the food we eat, the clothes we wear,
the toys we buy then throw away.

Humanization, the new and improved version


Solar panels are pure good.
Cigarettes are pure evil.
The cycles of life:
you try to convert your inner cigs into panels.
Then blow away the ashes.
A long time ago
I bought peppermint seeds and left them at your house.
Now I can't plant them in my sunless apartment.
Love is a name
given to
the joy of a foolish child
and the madness of a rogue, a lunatic.
An arbitrary feeling that makes no money; it must be another evil.
Lump it together with cigarettes and alcohol.
The sun rises in the east every day
and that’s what makes crops grow.
When the rains come on time,
you don't worry about quirks of the heart
and you know what you can afford.
The factories keep pumping
and that’s what makes the food we eat, the clothes we wear,
the toys we buy, then throw away.

this is what I love about these forums: such varied voices on such varied subjects.

What a take on love - and unpredicable: "try to convert your inner cigs into panels", would never have thought of that one -all these lines hang together like a jangling mobile, but they hang together nicely.

the last five lines seem to change the tone and start to lead somewhere else, but end abruptly - it seems like there should be at least a few more lines to wrap the piece up.

---todd

This is very interesting, Trides, it seems almost all over the place yet it's quite finely meshed. I like that, a lot. As for the ending, I though it abrupt initially, after rereading I kinda get the feeling it's meant to say life goes on even after love goes belly up. I'm probably way off base as is my habit, but I really like my personal interpretation of this piece in its entirety, you're preaching to the choir, kind sir.

Best,
Lisa

I agree. What a neat piece. And I like the ending as well. Seems like it should be an odd place to end a poem, but it wasn't. Really worked.

A few things I had issues with. The beginning, for instance. Maybe it's just me, but it just seemed too blunt and too conspicuous. It didn't really catch my attention (as I wasn't yet aware of the metaphor), so my first thought was, "Well, duh!" After taking in the entire poem, it didn't bother me quite as much. But I'm still not loving it.

The only other part I had an issue with was this:

Love is a name given to a joyful madness:
the joy of a foolish child
and the madness of a rogue, a lunatic.

Again, it felt too obvious. My brain was there before you expanded on "joy" and "madness," and so I didn't feel there was a need to explain it.

But again, I really like this idea. Nice job. Keep writing!

Thanks, all. I didn't really expect comments on this one. I suppose I should add a bit more to the end... but it will be difficult to maintain the same level of randomness...

@toddm: Jangling mobile, eh. I 'ppreciate it. The cigarettes -> solar panels thing was very spontaneous. The first four lines were actually, er... part of a chat I had with my closest friend over Gmail. Will consider the suggestion.

@ChestersDau... Lisa: Finely meshed, eh. I 'ppreciate it. Nice interpretation, although I myself don't know what this lump of lines is about. Didn't really intend it to be about love.

@Angel101: Eh. I 'ppreciate it. I have noticed that you like to be very subtle, mysterious, enigmatic, and complicated in your poetry, so much so that my pea-sized brain (definitely not a sterilized one, in more than one way ) often can't make sense of it. I, on the other hand, am very blunt and obvious. I salute you.

What a very unique way of looking at good and evil, great imagination, Trides.

Hi, Trides. I happened to like the beginning very much (people see things so differenty in interprative verse) Nothing is pure evil or pure good so I detected a bit of the caustic which gives the poem a great start because I read more of it throughout your poem i.e.

An arbitrary feeling that makes no money; it must be another evil

"You write that love is a name given to a foolish child..." and then connect it to the "arbitary feeling" - another evil because it renders no money. (Very Ayn Rand of you!) More of the caustic which I love in this context.

And the ending. Here you wrap up the poem nicely. The highlighted is not only blatently true but also keeps in line with the sour wit. Unlike the others, I think this is the perfect ending.

The factories keep pumping
and that’s what makes the food we eat, the clothes we wear,
the toys we buy, then throw away.

Poem captured my interest all the way through. And Trides, I dare not suggest stanza breaks as before! This was a smooth read. Laurie

vary nice, I like the revise better then original, but I must say I'm not particularly liking the whole start with bigish letters and go down to small, sorta hurts my eyes, other than that though great job loved it!

Thanks, all.
@Gumby:
@SilverMoon: Ayn Rand... *Wikipedia* I hadn't heard of her before, but she sounds very headstrong and outspoken, much like my best friend! Thank you very much... it's rare for you not to suggest an edit.
@Chiefspider: Sorry Spider. I'm too lazy to twiddle with fonts. Was unintentional. XP